Curse of Atlas

Life is just a matter of perspective.

There are just two absolute truths in life: Everything has a reason. Everything must come to an end. But perhaps life is so mysterious that these absolute truths may not be the only absolute truths there are. Or maybe I have just underestimated life itself.

I always tell myself that everything has a reason. An event will not happen if there's no underlying cause or if there's no reason to it. There must be logic to all the events. There must be. Or maybe I am just convincing myself to make excuses for my pathetic life. Perhaps I must understand and accept that I am living an empty life. A life that has no reason. A life that has no goal. A life that has no depth in it. I am living only for the people depending on me. I am not living for myself. I am living the lives that are not mine. I am living a shallow life. Almost existing, barely living. And what's worse is that it is okay with me. I find it okay that I let other people be the sole reason for my whole being. It is as if my life is tailored to be that way. I feel as if that is my entire reason for existing. Though I get sad and mad at life sometimes, I always find a way to reason out with my emotions. I get tired sometimes. I feel betrayed by humanity and great forces of being. I feel exhausted and lonely. But I always do sweet lemoning. Sometimes it sucks, but I cannot do anything about it. My life is not mine to live. Some people owned it for me. However, no matter how angry I feel sometimes with the people around me for pushing me too hard, I always think that everything shall pass.

Everything will come to an end. It must. And that includes the difficulties and pain that I am going through right now. Everything has its end. But the thing is, what if I die first before this "everything" comes to its end? Perhaps I should blame our kinship system for this Curse of Atlas.

Chopsuey

Perhaps when everything becomes clear, that's the time that we find ourselves questioning everything. When things unfold before us, questions keep on popping. When things get a lot better, that's the time that we more confused.

Or maybe it's just me being romantic and idealist again. For the past few months, I have glorified myself for being uncaring about the world around me. I have prided myself for being apathetic. I thought I could stand anything. I thought I already have a strong stomach. I thought the world has already turned me into someone heartless and ruthless. I was entirely mistaken. I am still the same--the idealist, romantic, dreamer of sorts.

I have seen a lot of things that shattered my dreams, my heart, even my faith. I have experienced some things that made me realized that life will never fair. I have prepared myself for further disillusionment. I thought that was enough. But nothing can ever be enough.

It still breaks my heart to see homeless people knocking on a black Mercendez Benz, begging for alms. It still makes me sad to know that poverty will never cease, that capitalism will always be the "only way", and that Philippines is just a victim of its own people.

Mad World

Do you know what's worth fighting for when it's not worth dying for?

The world has its way of disappointing people. I remember quoting myself that the world is simply harsh. Apparently, I have not lived to my own realization. The world is always surprising me. Always. One moment I feel like I have mastered the art of getting along with it. Then the next moment I am lost amidst the uncertainties of life.

It is like the world is playing tricks on me. I always find myself at the edge of things. I am always hanging like a wanderer, clueless and pathless. I always feel as if the world is going bipolar on me; as if I am being thrown to the opposite side every now and then. There is no permanence. There is no certainty. There is no guarantee. There are just surprises, detours, and disillusionments in the process of getting thrown to a lesser firm ground.

The idealisms that I held high for almost a decade have been flushed down the drainage. I have been awaken from my long sleepless dream. I have been disappointed by a lot of things, but never in my life that I decided that the world is simply a shallow place where people get screwed up by the system... Until now. I have come to an impression that the world is like a larger high school ground. Always too much of everything to the point of being void of anything.

The ambiguity and the vagueness of the world can sometimes be challenging. But it gets boring as time passes. It disappoints me that even though I am too grounded on reality, I still get struck by the cruelty of the world.

Whatever. This is just me being ambiguous and vague at the same time.

"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing."

-Anonymous

THE STORY OF MY LIFE IN ONE SENTENCE.

Regression

New life. New people. New friends to make.

So I have started working at the firm. There are a lot of new things to learn and new friends to make. I am still adjusting to the real world, and it is not uncommon for me to regress and to escape from reality. I still find myself lost amidst everything. I still find myself out of place. I feel a need to fit in.

It is like being in high school all over again with the office politics (which is a normal as ABC) as a bonus. I feel like I need to learn and to adapt faster. There'll be no grades. There's just an evaluation which is the basis of everything. It is either I performed well or I screwed up big time. It is either I get promoted/regularized or I get fired. There will be no in between shit. It is like what my professor told us, "You only have yourself to struggle with." And that's the problem with me. I just don't rely on myself alone. I also depend on my friends. But the thing is, my friends are not working for the same firm.

And I am not good at making new friends. Though people deemed me sociable, I would have to admit that it is not easy for me to settle and to be at ease with people whom I barely knew. This is the hard part of being older and cynic. Can I just go back to kinder where making new friends is as easy as borrowing your classmate's sharpener?