Can't Buy Me Love

Everyone has a price.

Mine was PHP 13,500.00. I was once a slave for PHP 13,500.00. I spent nine months of being a slave for money, which can't buy me love (as The Beatles would say.) I became a servant for money. And where does that leave me? What has become of me?

I got lost in the process. I got more confused. I lost my perspective. All the things that I have believed in were thrown out the window (as Sugar Ray once told me.) I became a massive bomb of self-destruction. I wandered without a cause. I talked without substance. I existed without a goal. All for PHP 13,500.00.

I was pathetic, yes. I became a victim of my own country. I became a victim of the system--the very system which I tried to change when I was in college. I became a slave, a person without a personality, for money. Money that can't even buy me happiness. And I allowed it.

Thirteen thousand five hundred pesos got me nowhere. It made me worse, instead. It changed me into someone I despised. I lost my idealism in life. I lost a part of me that I can never have back--humanity. I have turned into this money-making machine. Money changed me. And I hated it. I know that that amount of money is not my worth, but I still took it, believing that money is the solution to everything. And I regretted it.

I lost some friends in the process. I blamed them. I blamed them because they did not warn me about the real world and what it can do to me as a person. I blamed them for not giving me a heads up. I blamed them for what I have become. But really, I knew from the start that it was entirely my fault. I blamed myself for being superficial. I thought I could make it to the real world, unharmed and triumphant. I thought I could handle it, but of course, the Universe proved me wrong. I was too idealistic and too stupid for the real world. I was too young to handle such amount of responsibility.

I had been disillusioned by that meager salary. Then, just like a light bulb, an epiphany crossed my mind: The "mature" world is not for me to take...yet. I am still young in all aspects of my personhood. I still need to grow up and to learn a lot of things. I am not as tough as I believe. I need a retreat. I know soon, I deserve more, but not just now.

So, I decided to leave my job and to retrieve what I have lost. I decided to go back to the academe (to learn more, which I haven't done in college), fix my life (which I unconsciously wrecked before), rebuild my belief system, and reunite with my old retrospective self.

As I am writing this, I commemorate my 37th day of bumhood. I am young and I am broke. I may have no money, but I like the current version of myself. I still believe that everyone has price. It's just that mine is not as cheap as what I had bargained for.

Helter Skelter!

First post for another new decade: I ditched my work today.

I know this is going to happen. This is bound to happen--me ditching me work. I looked back at some of my posts and I realized that I was a wreck. I cannot decide. I was out of touch. I was disillusioned. I was as confused as I was when I left college. But what's even annoying is the sad reality that nothing changed.

I am still stuck in that phase. I still want to quit my job and study instead. I still want to do crazy things. I still want to abandon the world and stop thinking about anything else. LOL drama. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I am taking baby steps to get to my goals this year, which leads me to my 2011 resolution:

• Jog/Exercise
• Read more
• Write more
• Spend less
• Drink less
• Study harder
• Be competitive

I'd probably laugh at myself if I see this next year. I don't know. But yeah, I am starting to jog. I am currently studying for an exam in April (take note: in April! That's a start!) I am halfway through Skywriting by Word of Mouth. I am spending less, which leads me to a sober and happy version of me. I just hope that I could keep this up.

And yes, I am enjoying this "I-ditched-my-work" day. Start the decade right, so they say.

This is Why I'm Fat

After a week of recovering from hell files, I am bracing myself for another visit to hell next week.

This is the best that I can do with my area as of the moment, so pardon the shabbiness of it. I know that's one messy table, but the space is really not enough. That's an understatement, mind you. There are (rare) occasions though when my work space is as neat as a (private) hospital room.

Due to stress and lack of sleep, I noticed that I am having a problem staying awake while working. That's why I decided to give myself a strong shot of coffee. I named myself Bruno. Yes, the Barista was so game about it that he actually put it on. It was an effective upper...for about two hours. After that, I was dozing off again. Good thing my tummy has a love-hate relationship with coffee (and milk). So I spent the latter part of the day going to the comfort room, which kept me awake most of the time.

As for lunch, Tin and KC treated us (Riel, Iris, Sally, and I) to North Park. Good food is good food, I must say. I like their 3 kinds of mushroom--poisonous, slightly poisonous, and not poisonous. I cannot remember what we ate, but they're pretty much tasteful. I am not into Chinese Food, but I really had fun with North Park Special Fried Rice with Sauce.

And before I forget, it was Big Boss' birthday last Wednesday so he treated us (the whole office) to lunch at Max's. I was intending to take a picture of the food that I ate, but decided against it. Instead, I took this photo just to be disgusting and different. So yeah, whatever.

I noticed that I tend to eat a lot when I am stressed. Maybe that explains my beer belly.

My kind of Strawberry Field

"Living is easy with eyes closed."

I survived hell week! A week of agitation and non-existent social life due to hell files. I am just so glad that it's over now. Goddamn lot files. I felt zombie for the entire week. So yeah, that's why I am treating myself with... BEATLES!

Apparently, I have been listening to a lot of Beatles songs since god knows when. But I can't still get enough of this addiction. So, just imagine my glee when The Infidel sent me a copy of Across the Universe starring Jim Sturgess and Evan Rachel Wood.

Well. There's nothing really unique about the storyline of the movie. It is pure crap. Perhaps the writers of the movie were overwhelmed by the greatness of the every song. But! The music is good. The songs are well-chosen. And boy, it is psychedelic. It is rare for any artist to re-do and to give justice to the songs that are bigger than history. But yes, the artists in this movie actually pulled it off. I was amazed at how they did that. They have soul when they sing. They wear their hearts on their sleeves as they say each word in the lyrics. Ahhh. Too much!

I actually like their version of Revolution, I want you (She's So Heavy), Happiness is a Warm Gun, I am the Walrus, Girl, Come together, Hold me tight, A Little Help from my friends, Oh! Darling, While My Guitar Gently Weeps, All We Need is Love, and the medley of Helter Skelter and Across the Universe. I basically like all the versions of Beatle songs in this flick.

The movie in general is so-so. But yeah, I kinda like it because of the songs. I am biased like that.

Noodle Breakout

I had too much noodles and MSG for the night. So pardon my line of thoughts.

There are only two things that I want in life right now: Canon 1000D and Yashica FX 2.

I am so sorry for being materialistic these past days, but I really want these babies (especially the latter!) As I said before, I am torn between buying myself a new phone (need) and buying a camera (want). Apparently, Want won over Need. Talk about priorities in life. So I gave in to my inner evils. I need to see something empirical as the product of my meager salary. I need to see a product of my hard work. And it should be something that I want so that I could feel a little worth in my job.

In other news, I probably should get a passport now so that I could avail those cheap plane tickets bound somewhere beyond Philippine Area of responsibility. I should have done this when I was still in college, but I did not. Because back then, I was so blinded by the thought that I will not need a passport since I am not going anywhere but here (and that I might die if I ride a plane.) Little did I know that Real World will change my perspective. Now I want to go to Japan and Singapore (and maybe Africa) for some "anthropological" reasons. Thinking about it now, I want to punch the college version of myself for being so lazy. Good thing there's online application now.

I am a battered wife.

I decided to stay.

I just woke up this morning feeling a bit okay. It took me one Albert Einstein, a 7-hour sleep, some verses, and another 15 minutes to think over my life. Perhaps I am inconsistent and indecisive. But can you blame me for feeling such? I am just a struggling artists living as a corporate slave. My future is blurred.

I feel like a battered housewife. I am helpless over the fact that I cannot move on. I have other options, but I decided to stay, because I don't want to be broke. And being broke is something I don't want to experience ever again (okay, that was, of course, a sarcasm). Seriously, a lot of (working class) people feel this way. It is the strangling thought: If I resign now, I will have a hard time getting a new job. Only few have the guts to venture the path of the unknown, and I am not one of them.

By staying, I admit that I am a coward. I don't have the nerve to go and chase after what I really want. By staying, I admit that perhaps money weighs more than happiness sometimes. LOLJK. By staying, I admit that I want the best of both worlds.

But then, I am not staying for good. I will psych myself so that I could unlearn this helplessness that I feel. I will only stay until "such time" has come. Perhaps until then, I can truly decide.

Clean Slate

Hoping against hope.

The perfect phrase to describe my emotion right now. In a matter of 24 hours, I will be jobless. I am actually scared of joining the bum force. Mainly because I don't want to be broke again.

So okay. I have been thinking most of the day about my decision. I know for a fact that my current job experience will have no bearing on the field that I want to enter. I want Research and Writing. Period. And this is far from being a Researcher/Writer. It's the main point that I have been telling myself for the whole day just to make myself feel less afraid of being broke for the coming months. Other than that, I have nothing else to say.

Apparently, I am still not decided. I can still feel a flickering hesitation in my chest. Is this the best decision I can come up with right now? Do I still have any other options? And yes, that's just me making myself a lot confused that before. I am not decided yet, but every time I think about my deteriorating health and state of mind, I just feel tired and depressed. And that's not healthy. So by stating this, I think I will take the path less traveled tomorrow. I have thought about this for the whole day while reading Albert Einstein Biography. Enough said.

I just hope that whatever happens, I won't regret it for the rest of my life.

In which case, I shall drop some verses from the Bible:

"Therefore do not worry, saying, ; What will we eat?' or 'What will we wear? For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ( Matthew 6:31-33)

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: the neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!" ( Luke 12:22-24)

"So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today." (Matthew 6:34)

"And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to the span of life?" ( Luke 12:25)

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid." ( John 14:27)

They make sense to me. Therefore, I shall concede to Tintin's piece of advice: It is not as if we're not going to get a job.

PS:

I am blaming The Perks of Being a Wallflower for being this unmotivated and depressed. So to anyone who will read that book, just make sure that you like what you are doing, and that you are not some hormonal psychopath like me.

Chasing Liberty

And so I failed.

I was supposed to inform the office manager that I am not going to continue working with the firm anymore. But then tons of work came. I forgot what I was supposed to accomplish today.

My day started with "Oh shit!" as I realized that it was already 7:30 in the morning and I have work. I stayed immobile for some 15 minutes to plan my strategy for the day. Should I drop the bomb to the manager first thing in the morning or should I wait until my paycheck is given? Should I leave my work at once or should I linger to finish my pending files? Should I do it or not? What are the pros and cons of leaving my job without any certainty about my future? That was the longest and the deepest 15 minutes of my life. Ever.

I dragged myself to work after that. The whole day was hazy for me since I was not myself and I was waiting for the right timing. All came swiftly. It all passed and went. But there are three things I can remember. First, my immediate superior started the day with, "Hoy Angeline! Madami kang rush." while I was having my coffee and small talk with two officemates. Second, the manager was cranky but he told me that I passed my first three months with flying colors. Third, I was swamped with work that I had no time to talk to the manager regarding my impending doom.

Aside from my failure to accomplish my personal task, I also failed to keep hope burning in my chest. I came to realize what a fool had I been last night. I totally busted my chance. So much for shooting for the moon, I guess.

Jack of All Trades, Master of None

I want so many things at once.

And it's not healthy anymore. I am too selfish for my own sake.

Perhaps my interviewer was right when he told me that I need to focus on my future and with what I really want with my life. I guess my resume is a solid proof that I have diverse interests ranging from Human Resource Management to Research and Writing. At first I thought it was cool, because I can be anything I want. But then, I came to realize that it was far from that. I remain to be jack of all trades, master of none

I tried to be an artist, a multimedia junkie, an educator, an anthropologist, a writer, and an employee. They all worked out for me, except for the latter part I think (refer to the previous entry). I just want to explore all my potentials and capabilities, because I want to tell my grandchildren in the future that I had been this and that. Unfortunately, companies want someone who has a direction in life. And that's not me.

I have no direction in life. I have no idea what my career will look like five to ten years from now. Mainly because I have simple needs and simple goals in life. I have not thought of buying a car, because all I need is a decent home where I can eat my mom's cuisine. I have not thought of staying in a company for more than five years, because I want to do something more humane than that. Life is too short only to be spent in a routinary job. I have not thought of any other long term goals because I only have one: to renovate our house. I mean it. I guess if I answered that to my (future) interviewers, they will never understand. Because they will expect my answer to be more work-related shit. I hate to disappoint, but yes. That's the only long term goal that I have in mind.

I have no direction in life, because I want to live life one day at a time. It's funny, because people want to do just that, but they can never understand what it means. I have no focus, because I want so many little things at once. But the thing is, I want only one big thing which people will never understand.

That is to be profound.

Red Light is All I Need

Do you really know what depression means?

Because it is something that I have been experiencing since I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I feel the need to find myself and to figure out what I really want to do with my life. I want to vanish for a while. I want to go to a place where I could totally unwind and think about my life in retrospect. I know that I do not have the liberties to do that because I have responsibilities with my family and all, but then reality is depressing me. I am an employee. And I am not growing.

There's nothing wrong with being an employee. What sucks is that my job is not something that I really want. I wake up everyday with a big question mark on my head. I wake up everyday feeling very tired and depressed. I drag myself to work because I know that it is something that I need to do for the sake of subsistence. It is just a routine. And I don't like routines. For three months, I have been doing this and that. But I am not growing anymore. I am stagnant. I am not learning because I don't like what I am doing for a living. Perhaps it has something to do with that.

Three months is a short period of time to learn, but I know it when I am not learning anymore. I know it when all I do is passive learning. It is not good. For the past eight years of my life, I do that. And it is not funny anymore. The real world is here. There's no school to house me in times of great depression, and there are no professors to blame for a failing grade. The real world is here and I am part of it. I only have myself to struggle with. I am the only one who can change my life. I am the captain of my soul, I am the master of my fate.

So tomorrow will be a make or break for me. Sure I have made friends at work, but it is time for me to decide for myself. I won't make the same mistake that I did back when I was in college. I have been playing safe all my life, that's why I am stuck in mediocrity. I wish I could make something happen tomorrow.

It is time to take the risk. It's good thing that I am depressed right now. I do stupid things when I am depressed. I just wish that hope won't die with me tomorrow.

Shakespeare, I need you now.

I am never good at making decisions. Never.

That's why I keep on stalling. But time is running out. I cannot pretend to be rich anymore by wasting it. I need to come up with a good decision now. Or else, I'd be making the same mistakes that I did when I was in college. That'd be awful.

Oh shit. I need to contemplate now. I only have three days to decide. To be or not to be: that is the question. On the side note, why would I keep on doing something that I do not love? Why?

Everything to Everyone

I always have the need to explain myself to people who do not even give a shit.

I want to be like Holden Caulfield so that I could pass off for being such a jackass most of the time. Unfortunately, I am far from being that person. I guess, I am more of Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower (I keep on typing wallpaper! Allahdammit.) I can be really dense and shithead sometimes, but I (try to) understand the people around me without even asking why. I always try to be sensitive, because I know I am far from it. I try to be patient, because I am not. I try to be objective, because I am an emotional person. I try to be a team player, because I prefer working alone (and am efficient that way.) I try to be mellow, because I can get pretty aggressive. I try to listen a lot, because my attention span is really screwed up. I try to be kind, because I am mean. I always try. I always try to be someone better so that I could make up for my weak points. And it is not easy.

It is never easy to be the understanding one. Who says so? Everyone expects me to be cool and apathetic at all times. That is just sad. Because whenever I become insensitive, impatient, emotional, anti-social, and aggressive, people fail to acknowledge the simple truth that I also have my shortcomings like everyone else. It happens all the time. All the time. It is as if I have "Doormat" written on my forehead.

I cannot always be everything to everyone. I wish I could say that to some Neanderthals (oh yes, they still exist!) But then, I am a victim of the label that I put on my humanity: Wallflower.

Sleep is for the Faint-Hearted

My mom always nags about the benefits of a good night sleep. Even my sister always asks me what do I get for sleeping late when I have to wake up early in the morning for work. Little did they know that is that I want doing things without them lurking on my back and asking me what I am doing/writing. I love it when time is at my mercy. I like it when it is quiet, I can do all the things I am about to do. I think I lose hours of awesomeness whenever I sleep. Though I am cranky whenever I lack sleep, I can put up with that. I get cranky at myself. Besides, why do I need to sleep at night when I can be sleep working during the day?

I will not be surprised if I die of Leukemia or severe Anemia (though I know that lack of sleep is not a cause of such disease.) At the very least, I will not be surprised if I get fired for being such a lousy employee (Oh gods, employee does not sound really friendly to me.) Not at all.

Regression

New life. New people. New friends to make.

So I have started working at the firm. There are a lot of new things to learn and new friends to make. I am still adjusting to the real world, and it is not uncommon for me to regress and to escape from reality. I still find myself lost amidst everything. I still find myself out of place. I feel a need to fit in.

It is like being in high school all over again with the office politics (which is a normal as ABC) as a bonus. I feel like I need to learn and to adapt faster. There'll be no grades. There's just an evaluation which is the basis of everything. It is either I performed well or I screwed up big time. It is either I get promoted/regularized or I get fired. There will be no in between shit. It is like what my professor told us, "You only have yourself to struggle with." And that's the problem with me. I just don't rely on myself alone. I also depend on my friends. But the thing is, my friends are not working for the same firm.

And I am not good at making new friends. Though people deemed me sociable, I would have to admit that it is not easy for me to settle and to be at ease with people whom I barely knew. This is the hard part of being older and cynic. Can I just go back to kinder where making new friends is as easy as borrowing your classmate's sharpener?

Okay. So What?

I got a job. A real one.

(Yeah, I know I sounded unhappy in my last post but that's just me being bitchy about the tax). So here is the story behind my first real employment...

I applied to the HR/Admin Assistant position, and I was invited for an interview (that was Wednesday). I got excited. June 2. First Wednesday of the month. The moment that I received the message from the Office Manager, I told myself that I am set to pursue HR. I have made up my mind, in short. But as it seemed that day, HR has decided on me as well: It does not want me.

I was told, as the interview went on, that I was not qualified for the position simply because the firm preferred someone with experience in the field (i.e. Policy Making and other HR/Admin Stuff that I was not able to learn at the university). I was not qualified. The sad reality every fresh graduate must face: Being not qualified because of lack of experience.

Yes, it sounded as if a hopeless case but it did not. The Office Manager pointed out, "I could have set aside your resume since you do not have the most important qualification for the position you are applying to, but I saw something in your resume. You are well-credentialed, that's why I am going to discuss to you about the other positions in this firm."

The bottom line: the Office Manager offered me another position. He deemed that I would be better in that position. So he referred me (I just met him that day, I had no connections with him whatsoever) to that position, telling me that my resume would compete against the resume of other applicants (applicants to the same position) with Latin Honors. I just said yes (primarily because I was too sabaw to digest what was happening). That very same day I was interviewed by the Partner, Managing Associate, and Supervisor. That very same day. After the long interview, I had the exam. (Yes, I had the exam after I was interviewed). I had a long and tiring day (and it was all worth it, I guess). The parting words that I heard the Office Manager said was something like, "We'll get in touch with you Wednesday next week. Or maybe earlier than Wednesday." and something like, "Malay mo next time na mag-usap tayo, details na ng offer ang pag-uusapan." But I did not want to assume just yet, because I did not want to be jinxed (read previous blog entries).

The next thing I knew was waking up the next day and reading a message that came from the Office Manager stating, "The firm is set to make an offer to you. Hope you are okay tomorrow at 11am to discuss the details." And the only words that came out of my mouth was Oh God.

Another bottom line: I accepted the job. Hence my employed status.

However, I got interested at the job posting of the position that I have accepted. So I search online. And there you go (look at the picture above). The qualifications of an Insurance and Claims Specialist. My jaw just dropped at Fresh Graduates who belong to top 25% of the graduating class are encouraged to apply, and With experience working in an insurance company... I was not even a Cum Laude, and certainly I did not have any working experience in the field of insurance. (Plus the fact that my course is far from Legal Management or such disciplines!)

I must be born really Lucky! And yes, I am bragging this. I am sorry.

Tax is a bitch.

I got the job.

I should be happy right now. My bum days are coming to an end. But no. I am somewhere in between happy and sad just because of the tax. Crap. I miss the days when all I had to think about were exams, photocopying fees, and beer. But now, I have to think of a budget because I don't get an allowance from my mom. Now, I have to be wise with my money. And I have to pay the tax (which is the saddest part!!!) I also have to give back to my family (required!).

I have waited for this moment. Seriously. I thought that I would jump for joy and cry for merriment. I have waited for that kind of moment. But it never came. All I felt were a sudden rush of doubt and fear in me. The Am I sure to accept this epiphany came to me. I have seen the pros and cons of this job in a flash. I need to be patient and persevering. I have to. I need to be competitive. And fear is eating me alive, but I accepted the job offer.

I am about to venture to another chapter of my life. I am about to see the changes that will take course. I am about to unfold my future. Just because I got the job and I need to pay the tax.

There. Another rejection came in.

I would like to make myself believe that another rejection does not matter anymore.

Rejection is not fatal. Rejection is not fatal. Rejection is not fatal.

Yes, I am convincing myself. Kbye, I am off to mend my ego.

Zombies ate my brains!!!

When I stepped out of the university, I thought that I would not undergo any paper and pencil exams. I thought I was over it. I thought I was far from the stressful days of dreading an exam. I thought I would not be able to undergo heavy mental workout anymore. Oh boy, I was entirely wrong.

Little did I know that before getting the job of my dreams, I must endure the grueling experience of answering a pre-employment exam. I thought it was just the interview that I should dwell with. BUT NO! There are aptitude exams (most of the time) which consist of logic, abstract reasoning, numerical test, and sometimes grammar and vocabulary. Seriously. I thought I was over the UPCAT-stage of my life.

Recently, I had gone to different companies to take their examinations and it usually consumed my energy just going to the exam location. I had to travel long hours for an hour or so of examination, had to experience the rush hour, and had to stay optimistic at the results of the exams (after doing the B system) only to go home wearing a screaming tag on my forehead: UNEMPLOYED.

It was physically draining and mentally consuming. It was like zombies ate my brain.

A Humbling Experience

Rejection is indeed a humbling experience.

I have always been an average student. I didn't excel much in academics, but I had decent grades. Decent enough to be considered average. I graduated close to Latin honors, but not quite. I am a perfect example of someone who could have been somebody else, but decided to remain stuck in the same phase of mediocrity. I failed myself in the academe, that I realized. But! I am going to redeem myself, though not within the university grounds, in the real world. I aimed to shoot for the moon, so to speak.

In the past weeks, I applied to different companies including ABS-CBN Network, GMA Network, Unilever, Unilab, Procter & Gamble, IBM, and TNS. I applied to the position which I think I am qualified. I was anxious, I knew that these companies would prefer someone with experience in the field I was applying for. But that did not stop me from hoping that they'd contact me. Though some companies called me and offered me jobs, I told myself that I would not settle for anything less than my UP education. Yes, I admit, I was that proud. I was too proud for my own good. I should have known better.

I received an email from ABS-CBN Network. I can still remember how giddy I felt as I was waiting for the email to load on my page. I read each word with anticipation. I was anxious. Then, the rejection line came. It was quip and professional. Nothing that would make a proud Angel go back to square. But that moment defined a humbling experience for me. I may be a graduate of the best university in the Philippines, but it does not mean that I will be hired by the company that I wanted to work for.

I can be choosy, I can be ambitious all I want, but I cannot be too proud just because I have a degree from the University of the Philippines.