Talk is Cheap

For the most part of my existence, I am confused.

What should I expect? After all, I am just a 20-year old adolescent who is torn between social responsibilities and personal responsibilities. I can be as confused as anyone else. They say life starts at 40. I still have 20 years left to waste, so to speak. And another 20 years to live Life before I die. But do I really want to waste 20 years for nothing? Can I stand living in this could of confusion for another long period of time? Is that what I really want?

I am a great mass of cloud. I have no form. I have no direction. I adapt to my environment. I don't claim my own personality. I cannot. But I want to be someone else. Not in the sense that I want live a different life in different time, I just want to be somebody whom I love to the core. And in order to be that someone, I need to decide and to act now. It's tough, but nobody said it was easy.

I am taking baby steps. I don't want to take a giant leap. I am not Neil Armstrong, so I'll pass that thing. I am nearing a decision. I've done this long time ago, but I just don't have the guts to do so. I think I know what I want now. I have wanted this long time ago, I just forgot about it. Certain things clouded my head and led me nowhere. But now, it came to me: I want to be a Visual Anthropologist.

This is what I wrote a year ago. I think I had it all figured out before, of course I was wrong. I am living in a fast-paced world where forgetting is as normal as breathing. It makes me sad how much conviction I had when I wrote this piece of crap. It was an epiphany. A eureka moment. But like any great inventions, it is destined to be put into oblivion. That's what sucks.

I just hope that this time I will pull this one off, that this time I will follow my dreams and will make sure that it will happen. I wish I had enough guts to abandon social constraints and go for it. But I guess, these words have no meaning until I act. And that's exactly the challenge for me.

I don't want to be confused anymore. I do not want to wait until I am 40 to realize what it takes to really live.

Material Girl

October is not exactly my month.

On the first day of this month, I spent more than I could save for a phone that's not really universal. I should have given more faith in my philosophy ("Never spend on the first day of the month.") than in impulses. I should have known better than spending on the first day of a month. Now, I must suffer the consequences of going against my principle: I am broke.

Well, not exactly. I recuperated after two weeks. Thanks to my meager salary as an employee. Panic-stricken by the recent financial crash down, I planned everything ahead as I got my paycheck. I vowed not to spend on things that I don't really need. I paid the bills including my sister's Field Trip fee (yeah, I have to include that!) I promised to budget my allowance for two weeks. In short, I resurrected my savings. Only for two days.

Things got a little rough when I craved for french fries at McDonalds after I paid the bills. So I, together with my mom, headed out to the nearest Mcdo and ate a quater pounder and a cheeseburger. So much for the hungry tummies, I guess.

With my tummy full of junk food, I had the energy to roam around the mall and to do window shopping (it was the least that I can do since I intend to cut my expenses this time). Little did I know that it is not a great idea as I saw this pair of shoes.

It was love at first sight. I do not know how that happened, but yes. I fell in love with the shoes and thought I could do the tap dance with it. I think like an Irish, you know. Once upon a time, I did not understand why girls love shoes. But seeing this pair of shoes, I got the answer. In short, I bought the shoes. But my mom coaxed me into buying a gray bag to pair with my new shoes.

I can easily be convinced, that's why I ended up buying a gray bag...and a black one, too. And now I am broke. I need to save up again. Damned decision making skills. I just remembered that I still have a Batangas get-away to save up for. Now, I am screwed. So much for reading a lot of news regarding Finance and Savings. I totally banged up my savings. This is why I hate going to the malls. It is either I end up lusting over things that I do not need or I end up being broke.

Note to self: No to impulsive buying! (Now playing: Material Girl)

Jack of All Trades, Master of None

I want so many things at once.

And it's not healthy anymore. I am too selfish for my own sake.

Perhaps my interviewer was right when he told me that I need to focus on my future and with what I really want with my life. I guess my resume is a solid proof that I have diverse interests ranging from Human Resource Management to Research and Writing. At first I thought it was cool, because I can be anything I want. But then, I came to realize that it was far from that. I remain to be jack of all trades, master of none

I tried to be an artist, a multimedia junkie, an educator, an anthropologist, a writer, and an employee. They all worked out for me, except for the latter part I think (refer to the previous entry). I just want to explore all my potentials and capabilities, because I want to tell my grandchildren in the future that I had been this and that. Unfortunately, companies want someone who has a direction in life. And that's not me.

I have no direction in life. I have no idea what my career will look like five to ten years from now. Mainly because I have simple needs and simple goals in life. I have not thought of buying a car, because all I need is a decent home where I can eat my mom's cuisine. I have not thought of staying in a company for more than five years, because I want to do something more humane than that. Life is too short only to be spent in a routinary job. I have not thought of any other long term goals because I only have one: to renovate our house. I mean it. I guess if I answered that to my (future) interviewers, they will never understand. Because they will expect my answer to be more work-related shit. I hate to disappoint, but yes. That's the only long term goal that I have in mind.

I have no direction in life, because I want to live life one day at a time. It's funny, because people want to do just that, but they can never understand what it means. I have no focus, because I want so many little things at once. But the thing is, I want only one big thing which people will never understand.

That is to be profound.

Burning the Bridges

Sitting, waiting, wishing...

I could use some good introductions right now like "I wish I could write like Edgar Allan Poe..." or "How does it feel to be always waiting for something that will never come?" or "Some stars are meant to fall and never to regain its twinkle," but I know I could not sustain that. I would be bastardizing a good start with a nonsensical follow ups. So better not to use any of them.

I am thinking of something witty or interesting to write about. I have thought of writing my obituary, but that's just so typical. I have thought of ranting about how my life sucks right now, but that's so whiny. I have thought of weaving words for my suicide note, but that's pathetic. I have thought of listing down what I did today (which is not interesting at all), but that's very lame. So, I decided on writing about nothing and something at the same time. What could that be?

Superman is Gay. This has been a theory since time immemorial. I have heard a lot of accounts regarding Superman's gender. There are a lot of debates going on the virtual world, but nothing beats the joke that I have heard from Infidel today (I guess, that's because it was the first time that I have heard of this joke!) It goes something like this (but not quite). There were some text missing, but get the point? That must have been the start of his "gayness." LOLJK. I also found a discussion on his gender over the internet. A serious discussion, dude. You can check it out here. Oh, pop culture! What the heck. I need Foucault or whoever gender theorists are available.

Blue streak. Ever heard of the expression talk a blue streak? Well, I haven't until Infidel told me about it. It means to say a lot very fast, to talk very much and very rapidly, in short--to blabber. But! It also means something other than its figurative meaning. Apparently, it is the term used to label the act of igniting one's fart. I kid you not. You can check this and that for further proof that one's fart is combustible. I also Googled on the matter (fart is the subject, my friend) and found an interesting link that can provide anyone a better understanding on fart. And yes, while I am writing this I am slashing my throat using a bread knife. Writing about fart is close to abomination and social suicide.

Dongca's Birthday!

Ber Months. I am never a fan of months with -ber on its end, because that only means one thing: Christmas. Though I am lusting for a long Holiday, I am not looking forward to Christmas for reasons I stated before. I am slowly turning into a Grinch. I have to endure the (repetitive) Christmas songs again. Oh. NO.

Want vs Need. My ultimate dilemma. Right now, I am contemplating on choosing which to acquire: a cellphone or a camera. I really want to have a Blackberry for a phone, but that's just not me. I mean, 2mp and not much of a mp3 player. So I think I will settle for Sony Ericsson Aino. As for the camera, well... That's different. I am lusting for Yashica FX-2 ever since I held it with my hands, but it is not practical to use film right now (unless I am a professional photographer.) So I (will) concede to Sir Abe's piece of advice: Go Digital. But then, I am having a hard time choosing which of the two (cellphone and camera) I will get. I can only have one! It is hard to choose.

This and That. November and December will be the death of me. I need to decide before November 11, 2010!!! Why is it hard to decide? Tell meeeee! WHY?

Oh shit. It's past 12am already! I failed to post this on the first day of September. Crap.

PDF first Before Books

I promised myself not to buy any book/s until I am done reading Sherlock Holmes Volume I and Volume 2, but then it is hard to control my impulse when it comes to books (though my addiction is nothing compared to Kristine Joy Valdez Patag, free exposure dude!)

Usually, I do research on what book I am most likely to read. On a normal basis, I just download a PDF version of the book or borrow it from a friend first. Then, if I find it to my liking, I will buy it. But recently, I tried buying some books without even doing my usual routines. So I found these

and bought them. A big mistake! I was disappointed at Once Again to Zelda. I had so much expectations on that book since the teaser was interesting and the cover was cool. When I bought that book, I thought that I would learn something that I would not be able to learn from the internet. But lo and behold! I saw Wikipedia as its source! As for the writing style, it is not praise-worthy. I think that some parts of it were plagiarized. I felt like I wasted my money on that copy. Nevertheless, it still looks good on my shelf.

As for the The Last Man Who Knew Everything, it is like reading an academic book. It is interesting, but it is boring. If you know what I mean. I cannot say much about this book though, since I am still in the middle of reading it. If I get past page 3, I will let you know. But for the meantime, I will pass it to my younger sister as her first reading material from me. While Bright Shiny Morning seems like a good read, but I have not opened the book yet so that remains to be judged soon.

I also bought To Kill a Mockingbird which is included in my reading list and Sexing the Cherry which is included in Tin's reading list. I thought of selling the latter to her since I just bought it out of whim and since it was on sale. (So please Tin, if you are reading this, I am selling you that book for only PHP99.00!)

I know I promised myself not to buy any book/s until I finish reading what I am supposed to read, but then seeing this book is urging me to break my promise (AGAIN!) I've already downloaded the PDF version (another addition to my reading list!) So I will just blind myself to death with a loooooong reading list to accomplish.

I should probably continue reading Sherlock Holmes now. Or else the list will just pile up.

Obliviate!

I will only admit it once: I am not really a fan of Harry Potter Series.

I know it is a modern classic already, but I am not really into it like any other people. I will not say sorry if it offended you that I am not as attached to it like any of you are. I have a read-and-forget attitude on books. Harry Potter is one of those books. I am not a fan, but I have read the whole series more than once (so let's make that twice.)

I have read (and watched!) it for one social reason--to relate to humanity. For one, reading/watching the whole series is like being updated to current events and not reading/watching it is equivalent to social suicide. That's common sense, I guess. It is a fad just like The Beatles during the 60s. It is a mania, and everybody and every single soul of this generation knows it. And not knowing will receive a reaction equivalent to "What era did you come from, dumb ass?"

I read it back when I was in high school. I remember that I still have to borrow the books from my friends in order for me to read it, because I had no intention of keeping them on my book shelves for the rest of my life (the dumbest excuse I could muster for being so broke) and because I really do not know who is Harry Potter (just like how I do not know 3D stereogram or Venus Raj.) So you see, I was not really updated with a lot of things back then (well, up until now I guess.) Most of the time, I was clueless of what my high school batch mates were gushing about. They were often saying unintelligible words that only they could understand. It was like they were speaking a different language from mine. I could not understand them. I could not relate. I always come home asking myself, "What is expelliarmus? Is it even included in the dictionary?" because my classmates often said that when they did not want to stand up and get their things. Only when I have read the books that I came to know the language they were playing. Then, I started to get in touch with the world they were living.

It must have been social pressure that led me to read and to watch the series, but for most part of it I was willing to. I am not a fan for the reason that I haven't memorized all the spells and characters and details in the series. I am not a fan, because I do not have the whole series of books. I am not a fan, because I can sleep at night without dreaming about my life in Hogwarts. I am not fan just because. I could list a lot of (petty) reasons as to why I am not a fan of Harry Potter, but doing so will just overkill and later on defeat the purpose. I am not a fan, but I do not dislike it. Actually, I enjoyed reading it. And maybe I will read the series again three or four years from now just to get a different perspective on why many people love it like I love Pride and Prejudice. Maybe then I will become a fan.

But for now, I will just stare at this set of Harry Potter series and drool. They are lovely. This picture is encouraging me to buy a copy of each book. A complete set will look good on my (future mini-) library of classics. Hmm. What do you think?

I am getting inconsistent with my previous statements. This picture is just pure awesomeness. Or maybe it has something to do with that Beatle figurine (or is it a Beatle?)

Dilemma: Want vs Need

I am a not fan of technology, but there is just one thing that tops my WANT list when it comes to laptop. It is none other than MACPRO.

Sorry guise, but I get shallow sometimes. LOLJK. But seriously, with its specs? Intel Core i5 and Core i7 processors, NVIDIA graphics, 10 hours battery life. Plus, it doesn't get PC viruses, which is the main point of having a Mac (for me). Dude, I could die for it.

Though I am still content with my laptop (named Zenki), sometimes I dream of owning a MacPro for myself, since well, Zenki is not a Superlaptop when it comes to viruses. I am using a Compaq Presario CQ40, by the way. Also, the battery life is only 2 hours at most (I am talking about a brand new Presario CQ40 here). After one year, Zenki can only run on a battery for less than 45 minutes. And to think that I am very careful with its battery, always making sure that it is not overcharged or something. So there, I want a MacPro. But then, it is expensive (PHP 64,990.00 at least). It will cost me 4 or 5 paychecks (I am not sure, I am not good at Mathematics!). As in FOUR/FIVE WHOLE PAYCHECKS, tax-deduction excluded. Hahaha! But then. It's a Mac. But I don't need it. I just want it. Or maybe I need it. I don't know. I am torn.

MacPro is just pure awesomeness.