Talk is Cheap

For the most part of my existence, I am confused.

What should I expect? After all, I am just a 20-year old adolescent who is torn between social responsibilities and personal responsibilities. I can be as confused as anyone else. They say life starts at 40. I still have 20 years left to waste, so to speak. And another 20 years to live Life before I die. But do I really want to waste 20 years for nothing? Can I stand living in this could of confusion for another long period of time? Is that what I really want?

I am a great mass of cloud. I have no form. I have no direction. I adapt to my environment. I don't claim my own personality. I cannot. But I want to be someone else. Not in the sense that I want live a different life in different time, I just want to be somebody whom I love to the core. And in order to be that someone, I need to decide and to act now. It's tough, but nobody said it was easy.

I am taking baby steps. I don't want to take a giant leap. I am not Neil Armstrong, so I'll pass that thing. I am nearing a decision. I've done this long time ago, but I just don't have the guts to do so. I think I know what I want now. I have wanted this long time ago, I just forgot about it. Certain things clouded my head and led me nowhere. But now, it came to me: I want to be a Visual Anthropologist.

This is what I wrote a year ago. I think I had it all figured out before, of course I was wrong. I am living in a fast-paced world where forgetting is as normal as breathing. It makes me sad how much conviction I had when I wrote this piece of crap. It was an epiphany. A eureka moment. But like any great inventions, it is destined to be put into oblivion. That's what sucks.

I just hope that this time I will pull this one off, that this time I will follow my dreams and will make sure that it will happen. I wish I had enough guts to abandon social constraints and go for it. But I guess, these words have no meaning until I act. And that's exactly the challenge for me.

I don't want to be confused anymore. I do not want to wait until I am 40 to realize what it takes to really live.

Life flashes a sardonic smile

I find it amazing how people can grow up and mature in a short period of time.

Just six months ago, my friends and I were gushing about skipping classes, hang overs, exams, thesis, papers, and sleepless nights. But now, we often discuss investments, money, career, and other stuff that only "old" people can understand.

It is funny in a harsh way. Because as everything sinks into my head, I am coming to a conclusion that we are now deduced to something far from our fun-loving selves before. Everything becomes complicated. From long exams to thesis, we are now faced with more serious things like surviving life with meager salary, paying the bills, making up to our parents aka paying back (though this one is optional), making the means and ends meet, getting along with a lot of superficial people, understanding the system, and letting it beat you up. We forget our dreams. Then, we become victims of capitalism.

Which leads me to respect every single soul who has the courage to take the step to become what s/he wants to be. I salute people who do what they love to do despite economic struggles. I look up to people who ditch a sucky job to do what their hearts really desire. Only few people can do that.

To Capitalism and beyond!

Shakespeare, I need you now.

I am never good at making decisions. Never.

That's why I keep on stalling. But time is running out. I cannot pretend to be rich anymore by wasting it. I need to come up with a good decision now. Or else, I'd be making the same mistakes that I did when I was in college. That'd be awful.

Oh shit. I need to contemplate now. I only have three days to decide. To be or not to be: that is the question. On the side note, why would I keep on doing something that I do not love? Why?

Prayers Will Do

I could use some prayers now. And while I pray, I will let the The Smith's Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want play in the background.

Pet Peeves 101

I am often an objective person when it comes to other people's antics and shits. But sometimes, I just get so annoyed at some little things that other people find irrational (Hey! That's why it's called pet peeve.)

1. People who walk veeeeeeery slow. I can understand the senior citizens, but a teenager with strong limbs and high energy? No.
2. People who block the way.
3. Intense Grammar Nazis.
4. Erasures on notes. I am sorry, but I take particular notice to handwriting and its neatness. So pardon me if I find erasures and intelligible writing offensive.
5. People who write on my notebooks/planner. I get very snappy when it comes to my notebooks/planner because they are my valuables. I can let a very close friend to write on my valuables, but it is only on rare occasions.
6. Self-glorifying people. I hate people who say/point out that what they do is way better than what other people are doing. Does demeaning other people's job make them a lot better? I find myself guilty of this crime sometimes, but I am trying to change the habit of lol-ing at some call center agents who are Grammar Nazis and so mayabang (because they can speak the language) but fail on delivering well.
7. Seniority. Some people/systems uphold the value of seniority. I understand it sometimes, but it is just too much when some people/systems tend to disrespect the neophytes.
8. Impolite elders. Oldies tend to be know-it-all creatures. Sometimes the way they speak to the younger generation is just too much. Most of the time, they are disrespectful of my generation. During those times, I just want to shout to them that it is their generation that raised us. But that would defeat my principle on individuals capacity to think critically. Or maybe it would not. I still have to figure that.
9. MRT.
10. When people become moody and inconsistent. That's just annoying.

"High with Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"

Let's chase the words before they slip away.

Nobody reads my blog entries except from some friends (three friends to be exact). It is not always that they read it, because my compositions can get wordy and dull and because they have no time. That's just fine with me. I prefer it that way.

I write for the sake of writing, not for popularity. I write for myself. I write for the sake of my sanity. I write to exorcise the demon in me. I write to let my mind relax, because I tend to over analyze things. I write, because I am not much of a good speaker. I stutter a lot, and it is only through writing that I get my message across people. I write, because I have a problem with pronunciation, and it is only through words that I get to be sensible. I write for the betterment of myself. I write without intending to be popular. I write just because.

Writing is solitary for me. My thoughts and words are my entirety. So I like it when only few people read what I write. Perhaps you are wondering why I keep an online journal like this if I prefer few people would know what I write. It is as simple as the fact that there's nothing wrong in coping with technology and stuff. I'd like to see one day what I wrote. The old school writing (pen-and-paper) has more soul. I concede to that. But even papers and ink can get washed away by time.

However, you must not think that I have not thought of publishing my first book. Much as I like to have a fewer readers, I'd love to have my writings be published. I'd like to remain anonymous yet known to some. At least. Actually, I have taken much time to think about my first published book.

My first published book will start with "I saw Death." and will end with ""It was my death." or something like that. It will have 300 pages, but no other words will be written aside from the beginning and the end. The "middle" pages will remain blank. That's how I've thought of it. Then, it will become a movie of some sort. Its movie adaptation will be a 2-hour show with nothing but the narration of the starting sentence and the end thought. In short, my first published book will be a two-liner book. Just like that.

Or I do not know. It is still early to tell anyway.

Disappearing Act

Today marks the end of my shallow existence.

Everyday I exist, thinking of something good to do with my life. I wake up every morning with a big question mark in my head. I have nowhere to go. I got nothing to do. I go to work everyday with no goal but to end the day and move forward to another working day. I go home thinking what my life could have been if I had chosen another path. I go to sleep dreaming of Life. My existence has no meaning. At least, none yet. I have nothing else. I am naked from all the things that make someone human. I exist only for the sake of existing. There is no goal. There is no humanity.

But today, I will end this existence. Today will be the start of awesomeness!

Curse of Atlas

Life is just a matter of perspective.

There are just two absolute truths in life: Everything has a reason. Everything must come to an end. But perhaps life is so mysterious that these absolute truths may not be the only absolute truths there are. Or maybe I have just underestimated life itself.

I always tell myself that everything has a reason. An event will not happen if there's no underlying cause or if there's no reason to it. There must be logic to all the events. There must be. Or maybe I am just convincing myself to make excuses for my pathetic life. Perhaps I must understand and accept that I am living an empty life. A life that has no reason. A life that has no goal. A life that has no depth in it. I am living only for the people depending on me. I am not living for myself. I am living the lives that are not mine. I am living a shallow life. Almost existing, barely living. And what's worse is that it is okay with me. I find it okay that I let other people be the sole reason for my whole being. It is as if my life is tailored to be that way. I feel as if that is my entire reason for existing. Though I get sad and mad at life sometimes, I always find a way to reason out with my emotions. I get tired sometimes. I feel betrayed by humanity and great forces of being. I feel exhausted and lonely. But I always do sweet lemoning. Sometimes it sucks, but I cannot do anything about it. My life is not mine to live. Some people owned it for me. However, no matter how angry I feel sometimes with the people around me for pushing me too hard, I always think that everything shall pass.

Everything will come to an end. It must. And that includes the difficulties and pain that I am going through right now. Everything has its end. But the thing is, what if I die first before this "everything" comes to its end? Perhaps I should blame our kinship system for this Curse of Atlas.

Chopsuey

Perhaps when everything becomes clear, that's the time that we find ourselves questioning everything. When things unfold before us, questions keep on popping. When things get a lot better, that's the time that we more confused.

Or maybe it's just me being romantic and idealist again. For the past few months, I have glorified myself for being uncaring about the world around me. I have prided myself for being apathetic. I thought I could stand anything. I thought I already have a strong stomach. I thought the world has already turned me into someone heartless and ruthless. I was entirely mistaken. I am still the same--the idealist, romantic, dreamer of sorts.

I have seen a lot of things that shattered my dreams, my heart, even my faith. I have experienced some things that made me realized that life will never fair. I have prepared myself for further disillusionment. I thought that was enough. But nothing can ever be enough.

It still breaks my heart to see homeless people knocking on a black Mercendez Benz, begging for alms. It still makes me sad to know that poverty will never cease, that capitalism will always be the "only way", and that Philippines is just a victim of its own people.

Mad World

Do you know what's worth fighting for when it's not worth dying for?

The world has its way of disappointing people. I remember quoting myself that the world is simply harsh. Apparently, I have not lived to my own realization. The world is always surprising me. Always. One moment I feel like I have mastered the art of getting along with it. Then the next moment I am lost amidst the uncertainties of life.

It is like the world is playing tricks on me. I always find myself at the edge of things. I am always hanging like a wanderer, clueless and pathless. I always feel as if the world is going bipolar on me; as if I am being thrown to the opposite side every now and then. There is no permanence. There is no certainty. There is no guarantee. There are just surprises, detours, and disillusionments in the process of getting thrown to a lesser firm ground.

The idealisms that I held high for almost a decade have been flushed down the drainage. I have been awaken from my long sleepless dream. I have been disappointed by a lot of things, but never in my life that I decided that the world is simply a shallow place where people get screwed up by the system... Until now. I have come to an impression that the world is like a larger high school ground. Always too much of everything to the point of being void of anything.

The ambiguity and the vagueness of the world can sometimes be challenging. But it gets boring as time passes. It disappoints me that even though I am too grounded on reality, I still get struck by the cruelty of the world.

Whatever. This is just me being ambiguous and vague at the same time.

Old Songs Make Me Wanna

Strangers are just family you have yet come to know.

-The Five People You Meet in Heaven

People come and go. We meet a lot of people everyday. Some of them may become part of our lives, while some of them may just leave without even saying hello.

I should have accepted that reality long time ago, so that saying goodbye would not be this difficult. I know that someday I will lose some of the people I have come to love. I know that in one way or another people will have to say goodbye and other shit that will result to a broken heart (no, not in a romantic way). People, no matter how much they love and care for each other, are bound to part or to fall apart. Besides, relationships are not forever (or even for life). But I still hope that there would be something to solve that case. I still hope that there might be something to prevent falling apart and parting ways. I really do.

Curse me for being such an idealist shite but everyone looks forward to having a long term relationship, right? It is not as if one will think of ending a newly started relationship. And maybe that's the problem with me. I find it difficult to say goodbye (for real). I find it heart shattering to let a relationship go down the drainage. I have a hard time letting people (who are dear to me) go. It breaks my heart. I feel as though my chest is being crushed by a bulldozer. It depresses me. It makes me wonder why. Then, as much as I want to revive the relationship, I could not because I am too weak and too sad to even look at the person. That's the sad part. I do not have the strength to do something about it. It is just too much for one heart. But still I hope. I hope that someone else will come to replace them... Or that they will come back. Still I hope.

People come and go as they please. They move forward. They move on. But I am stuck at the same place where they left me.

Religion: __________

A lot of application forms have this portion: Religion: ____________.

Most often than not, I leave them blank. It is not because I am an atheist or an agnostic or simply a godless wanderer, but it is because I think religion has its depth that no one could ever categorize. Be it a Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim, or a Seventh Day Adventist, there's not much difference I think.

I am born a Catholic. I always say that my parents are both Catholic, so that makes me a Catholic as well (and basically because I am christened in a Catholic Church). I used to go to church until my fourth year in high school. I stopped going to church, and I started reading the Bible (Yes, I read the Bible). And everything became different.

I started discerning things. I listened closely to what the religious people preached about god and the universe. There I found fault in their understanding of the Bible and of their religion. I found that they took it according to their own beck. Some took the meaning of the Bible in a literal way, which I find to be offensive since I believe that no book or any literary work should be taken lightly. There must be some science that could explain the Bible. There must be some science to explain god. There must be. There will be...in time.

And as for my religion? I want it to remain a blank.

10 Things I Learned in Job Hunting

The following are the things that I learned in the Job Hunting 101 Fieldwork AKA Pre-employment exam/Interview.

Know the company profile. Before you confirm your attendance to the company's invitation, know the company first. Even though you are up only for an exam, it is always a must the you know something about the company. Because most of the time, their company profile is related to the exam you will be having. And in the interview they will also ask you about what you know about the company. So be prepared.

Know what you are signing up for. Most fresh graduates have the tendency to apply and apply and apply (repeat till fade) without knowing and understanding first the job description. (Though most of the time, the companies do not really give a comprehensive job description so fresh graduates are not to be blamed all the way.) It is a requirement to know what position you are applying. Know if you are qualified, not qualified, or overqualified to the position before you send out your resume, so that in the interview you'll not be shocked to know that you applied for a job that you do not want.

Be on-time. Duh! This should not be included here! It is a requirement that you are at the venue 10 to 15 minutes earlier than your schedule. (This is more of a note to myself, don't worry. So don't mind this.) Be also aware of the company's concept of time. If you are scheduled for an interview at 2pm, and yet the interviewer is still having lunch break until 3pm, then you should start thinking if this company is worth your time. I have this kind of experience. I think, no one should be kept waiting for more than 30 minutes because the employer is still having a break (any invalid/unprofessional excuse).

Be fashionable. In an acceptable way. Know the right trend for the right occasion. Avoid wearing printed tops mixed with printed bottoms. And please! Avoid the floral print. I know how it is a trend nowadays, but come on. This is not a summer get-away. Also, wear decent skirts. This is not just-another-day-in-school thing.

Be dignified. Appearance is the first thing people see in us. Let's admit it, most of the time we judge the people around us based on how they look and how they dress. In looking for a job, it is a must that the applicant should dress up accordingly and appropriately. It is also a must that the applicant gives justice, dignity and angst to what s/he wears. It is not enough that the applicant has a good pair of corporate attire. I have seen some applicants who wear super suits, but they do not look like dignified at all.

Be smart. When the employer asks you something, be smart in answering. It is not enough that the you have good academic records. Most of the times, the way you bring yourself has more points than what is written on your curriculum vitae. Carry yourself in a manner that will give the employers an image of someone who is not only intelligent, but also street smart. Don't be too timid and shy, because that won't bring you anywhere. But don't be too assertive as well. You don't want to make a bad impression, right?

Be prepared. Always bring an extra copy of your curriculum vitae, even though you are in for the pre-employment exam. It comes very handy most of the time, believe me. And please, know/remember what position you are applying for.

Bring extra everything. Extra pen, extra clothes, extra shoes... Extra everything. BUT! Do not get bring too much of everything. The essentials I have in my bag are a pair of clothes and flat shoes. Usually, I change my outfit after the pre-employment exam or job interview. I am just not comfortable enough in projecting my corporate image. (Changing outfit is optional).

Don't bring your parents with you. Seriously? It is not a PTA meeting.

Bring your brains. Okay, enough said.

What If Talk

It's been a habit of my dear mother and I to have a conversation before we sleep, but with my current sleeping pattern, we haven't had the pleasure to talk about random things. But since I went to bed earlier than usual last night, we had the time to ramble on again.

We were talking about certain things in and about life when the "what if" question was raised. No, it was not me who asked "What if Dad were alive?". It was my younger sister, who apparently was not asleep yet. This question was not an old one. It was a frequently asked question in the family, as a matter of fact. My answer would always be: If he were alive, he'd be bedridden.

But last night was different. I entertained the idea that maybe, just maybe, my dad would not be sick in his deathbed. I can dream, can't I? I answered for the first time, Maybe life would be different for us. (Since my dad died, our life had been turned upside down but I won't discuss how it went for us.) My mom agreed, maybe.

If my dad were alive (and healthy), I would be some spoiled brat who knows nothing about life but having fun. If he were alive, I would be an airhead who has nothing but expensive possessions. If he were alive, I would be a product of Catholic Schools. If he were alive, I would be living in comfort.

If he were alive, I would not be working while studying. If he were alive, I would not be this broke. If he were alive, I would not be commuting to school. If he were alive, I would not experience what I have experienced in life. If he were alive, I would not be the person I am today.

If he were alive, things would have been different for me and for my family. I could ramble on things that might and could have happened if he were alive, but that just would not do anymore. He is dead. So much for the What if Dad were alive? thought.

A Humbling Experience

Rejection is indeed a humbling experience.

I have always been an average student. I didn't excel much in academics, but I had decent grades. Decent enough to be considered average. I graduated close to Latin honors, but not quite. I am a perfect example of someone who could have been somebody else, but decided to remain stuck in the same phase of mediocrity. I failed myself in the academe, that I realized. But! I am going to redeem myself, though not within the university grounds, in the real world. I aimed to shoot for the moon, so to speak.

In the past weeks, I applied to different companies including ABS-CBN Network, GMA Network, Unilever, Unilab, Procter & Gamble, IBM, and TNS. I applied to the position which I think I am qualified. I was anxious, I knew that these companies would prefer someone with experience in the field I was applying for. But that did not stop me from hoping that they'd contact me. Though some companies called me and offered me jobs, I told myself that I would not settle for anything less than my UP education. Yes, I admit, I was that proud. I was too proud for my own good. I should have known better.

I received an email from ABS-CBN Network. I can still remember how giddy I felt as I was waiting for the email to load on my page. I read each word with anticipation. I was anxious. Then, the rejection line came. It was quip and professional. Nothing that would make a proud Angel go back to square. But that moment defined a humbling experience for me. I may be a graduate of the best university in the Philippines, but it does not mean that I will be hired by the company that I wanted to work for.

I can be choosy, I can be ambitious all I want, but I cannot be too proud just because I have a degree from the University of the Philippines.

Changes

Fifteen years can do wonders.

I looked at some old pictures my mom stored for memorabilia. I saw a younger version of me. A fairer and chubbier Angel. She was charming and cute, but a little bit anti-social. She let her mom cut her hair, that was why she had an apple cut with a full bangs which made her looked like a siopao. Her teeth were one seat apart because she liked pulling off her teeth. She had chinita eyes and unibrow. I smiled at my younger self. One would not believe that I was that kid.

Fifteen years later, that kid turned out to be morena and tall. She was not charming anymore, she was more of intimidating now. But that kid remained to be anti-social. She did not let her mom cut her hair anymore, instead she let her hair long. Instead of looking like a siopao, she ended up looking like a zombie. Her teeth were not one seat apart, at least not anymore. She maintained having a decent brows, but she still had chinita eyes.

Much had changed for the past years, but she still remained young at heart.

Para sa mga taong nasaktan ko

Dahil sa isang napakagandang kasaysayan ng aking buhay pag-ibig, may mga bagay akong natutunan at nagawa na nagdulot ng sakit sa ibang tao. May mga nasaktan din akong tao, alam ko. Kahit hindi nila sabihin, alam ko naman ang pagkakamali ko. Nagsisisi ako, humihingi ng paumanhin, pero hindi ako nangangakong hindi na mauulit ang mga nagawa kong pagkakamali. Hindi excuse ang "Tao lang ako, nagkakamali din" dahil alam kong kaya ko namang mag-isip at magdesisyon para sa ikabubuti ng lahat. Pero ang mga tao ay may tendency na maging makasarili. Isa na ako dun. Makasarili ako, alam ko yun. Sorry.

Malamang karma ko na ang mga nangyari sa akin sa mga nakaraang taon. Kaya naman dahil malapit na ang graduation ko, at gusto ko nang magsimula ng panibagong buhay sa labas ng paaralan, nais ko lang isa-isahin ang mga taong nasaktan ko nang hindi sinasadya (para naman swertehin na ako sa buhay pag-ibig ko sa corporate world lol).

Person A. Childhood sweetheart/friend. Sayo nagmula ang lahat ng kamalasan ko. Charing! Sorry. Madami ang nangyari sa mga nakaraang taon, nagkailangan tayo. Hindi ko sinasadya. Nagbago ako, ikaw din. Gusto ko lang magsorry sa ginawa kong kagaguhan nung bata tayo. "Tatlong araw" lang pala. Bata pa kasi tayo nun. Sana maging magkaibigan ulit tayo. :)

Person B. Batman. ISANG MALAKING SORRY TALAGA. Ako na ang gago, ako na ang paasa, ako na ang hindi kontento. Pero kasi madaming bagay na hindi ko dapat ipaubaya sa tadhana. Bata ka pa, madami ka pang kailangang matutunan. Parang ako. :) Napakabilis ng mga pangyayari noon, masyado akong naging padalos dalos sa mga naging desisyon ko sa buhay. May mga nasabi akong bagay na hindi ko na dapat sinabi. Sorry. Di bale, mabilis naman ang karma sa akin eh. Sorry. But to give credit naman sa aking sarili (haha! nagbuhat ng bangko), sobrang effort ko sayo. Sana lang naman naramdaman mo iyon. Ipagpaumanhin mo ang pagte-take advantage ko sa iyo. LOL

Person C. Rebound Boy. Ikaw ang tanging taong ginawa kong rebound, lagi ka kasing andyan. Sorry.

Person D. Parekoy. May bagay talagang hindi pwede. I think, alam mo yan. May mga bagay din kasing hindi kayang suklian. Look at you now, masaya ka na. Naka-move on ka, good for you di ba? Sorry kasi hindi ako nagparamdam ng mahabang panahon. Masyado akong naging pre-occupied ng sarili kong kalungkutan kaya hindi ako nagparamdam kahit kanino. Pasensya na sa iyo.

Person E. Shet. KULANG ANG SORRY LANG. :( Pupuntahan na lang kita sa Makati. Let's do some rebonding.

Unpublished Acknowledgement

"Hindi ako Emo. Bitter ako." -Anonymous

Parte sana ito ng Acknowledgement ko sa aking thesis, pero dahil hindi sila kasya sa dalawang pages (single spaced) na inilaan ko para sa pasasalamat, dito ko na lang sila ilalalagay.

May mga bagay talagang kailangang pagdaanan ng isang tao para siya ay matuto. Pero kung paulit-ulit lang din ang nangyayari, malamang na hindi pa natututo ang taong iyon. Malamang na hindi pa siya nagkakaroon ng enlightenment sa kanyang buhay kaya dapat niyang pagdadaanan ulit ang mga napagdaanan niya.

May recurring dreams, recurring events, at kung anu-ano pang paulit ulit na bagay sa buhay ng isang tao. Tipong parang History repeats itself lang ang drama. Parang may pattern ang lahat. Tulad nga recurring dreams at recurring events, may tipo din ng mga tao na may common denominator. Meron akong exhibit ng mga taong nanakit sa akin sa nakaraan sa iba't ibang panahon at paraan, pero isa lang ang kinakalabasan: Rebound ako.

MAJOR LEAGUE

Exhibit A. Ultimate crush. Mahabang panahon din akong na-emo sa kanya. Hindi ko din alam kung bakit. Wala naman siyang binibigay na clue. Ako lang talaga siguro ang tanga. Pero alam ko at hindi lang ako naga-assume, may isang punto sa buhay ko na naging rebound niya ako. Syempre kabe-break lang nila ng syota niya nun, kaya bigla na lang siyang nagparamdam. Ako naman si Tanga, ayun kinilig-kilig pa. In the end, wala din namang nangyari. Nagpaasa siya, umasa naman ako.

Sa tuwing naaalala ko ang sarili ko noong mga panahong sobrang head over heels ako sa kanya, natatawa na lang ako. Iba talaga ang nagagawa ng infatuation at rose colored glasses sa kabataan.

Exhibit B. The One. Hardcore ang pagkaemo ko sa kanya. As in. Isang taon akong on the loose at lutang. Madami akong nasulat na kalungkutang siya ang nagsanhi. Madami akong nainom na beer at naiyak na luha. Siya ang kabuuan ng playlist ko dahil siya yun. Bakit nga ba ako na-emo ng sobra sa kanya? Dahil sa kanya ako nagbigay ng chance sa sarili ko na mag-open ng doors (na hindi ko ginagawa talaga) para sa iba. Isa siya sa mga taong binigyan ko ng chance para makilala yung lampang ako. Pero bigla na lang siyang nawala. Nag-disappear. Nag-teleport sa ibang dimensyon. Naiwan ako sa ere. Jaded.

After ilang taon ng what ifs, what could have beens, what might have beens, confirmed: Rebound ako. Saan ko nalaman? Facebook. Iba talaga ang nagagawa ng teknolohiya.

MINOR LEAGUE

Exhibit A. Pers boypren in college. May mga desisyon ako sa buhay na hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit ko ginagawa. Siya ang isa sa mga taong ayoko nang balikan at alalahanin sa buhay ko. Hindi dahil ako ay bitter at apektado niya, kundi dahil nahihiya ako sa sarili ko na pinatulan ko ito. Wala akong pakialam sa hitsura, pero importante saken ang personality at academic background. At yun ang mga bagay na sumablay siya kaya hindi ko talaga lubos maisip kung ano ang pumasok sa isip ko nung mga panahong iyon para gawin siyang boypren. Iba talaga pag pressured at bata pa, kung anu-ano ang naiisip gawin. Anyway, ayun. Since usapang rebound ito, rebound niya ako. Pero ang matindi, nagcheat din siya sakin. Dapat siguro nasa Major League siya no? Kaso hindi ganun kasakit ang epekto, kaya minor league lang.

Exhibit B. Ultimate Jerk. May mga taong jerk talaga eh. Hindi maiiwasan yun. Alam mo yung magpaparamdam lang pag may kailangan? Yung magpaparamdam lang kapag may problema at kapag nawawalan ng supply ng babae? Ito yun. Mangungulit nang mangungulit. Minumuara mo na, makulit pa din. Tangina lang. Tipong ginagawang object ang isang babae. Umpisa pa lang, alam kong rebound na ako nito. Kabe-break lang nila ng long time gelpren, ako naman ang kinukulit. Pwede ba? May history na nga ako ng pagiging rebound. Tama na.

Exhibit C. Seasonal Kainuman. Hindi naman niya ako lubusang nasaktan kasi una pa lang alam ko na agad ang hanap niya. Pero that does not mean na hindi ako naging rebound sa kanya. Masaya naman siyang kasama, kaya lang oops. Hanggang dun lang talaga. Mabait siya sa mabait, pero kaso gets?

Exhibit D. Paasang Tunay. Hindi ako ang tipo ng nag-aassume. Pero sa isang ito, minsan lang ako nag-assume, sablay pa. Ayun, nadale ang ego ko. Buset.

Para sa mga nandito sa exhibit na ito, salamat sa inyo. Kung hindi dahil sa inyo, hindi ko sana matatapos ang thesis ko. LOL. Pero seryoso, may natutunan ako sa inyong lahat: Huwag masyadong kampante sa mga nangyayari sa paligid. Lahat kayo ay nagturo saken kung paano maging bitter at matatag. Bwahaha. FTW.

With this, I shall rest my case.

Public School All The Way

If there is one thing that I will say to my future employers, it would be this: I am a product of public schools, and am proud of it.

From my grade school to college, I have been reared and educated in a public school, and never once in my entire school age that I regretted it. In fact, I enjoyed my public schooling. And I am just glad that my mom did not agree with my father when he said that he’ll send me to a catholic school (Oh Lord, I am just so glad).

Public schools are known for its wrecked and worn facilities. The classrooms are (too) small to occupy 70 apprehensive students. The windows are in the state of disrepair just like the doors. The desks and chairs are either slightly broken or totally dysfunctional. The library (if there is such thing in public schools) is just as inaccessible to students as the comfort rooms (for students, because teachers have their own clean and stink-free comfort room). The comfort rooms smell horrible and bring no comfort at all. The water supply is almost non-existent. In short, comfort rooms are off-limits unless you have a strong stomach or you just have no choice at all but to “expel” right there and then. But some rooms have their own comfort room, which is less vile as the communal CR. These master rooms, as I would like to call it, are usually rooms of lower grade school students (grade 1 to 3). To add to these, there is no computer room. IF there is one, it is only accessible to the faculty or to lucky students. And the computers are either outdated or defective. As for the books, public schools are also known for its tattered and limited number of books. Only a few number of students can have a complete set of books (which are not free, because the students have to return them to the school at the end of the class). Some students share books with some partners. Ration is sometimes 1:5. And that, my friend, is quality education for you (if you base the quality on the school’s facility).

But in this kind of school I have survived. In this kind of school I have learned something beyond what private schools can offer. I have learned more about life, which is something that one cannot learn from the four corners of his/her air-conditioned room. I have learned to open my eyes and to look beyond what is superficial. I become aware of the realities of life—that not everyone is equal and has the capability to be schooled up until college, that poverty exists, that some students go to school without food and/or money and that I cannot help all of them, and that the world is simply harsh. I was educated more about what happens in real life than about what the academics and scholars would say.

The public schools I've attended taught me to be street smart rather than be intelligent. They taught me that limited resources do not mean failure or low quality education. Instead, this limitation actually adds to the skills and abilities to make something great and creative. This limitation taught me to be careful with whatever I do, and to be creative as to maximize whatever resources I have. With this, I learned that it is not the means that define a student's capability, but it is the process as to come up with an end that matters most.

Those public schools taught me that the four-cornered room is not the only reality there is, that it is not even the whole of life itself, and that it is just the beginning of something more. Having been reared and educated in public schools is a real blessing for me, because I would not be the person I am today if not for public schools I've attended. Go public schools!

Invictus

Last night, I went over some things in my life that need an overhaul. I have been busy lately that I wasn’t able to wrap my whole life accordingly. In the past few weeks, I was a mess, a total mess. I have been consumed by events that mean nothing metaphysical to me. All the things around me were real, but nothing mattered. I have been in a total whirlwind so to speak. My life was in a limbo. So I decided to take a break and think. And last night, the fear that made me do stupid things overwhelmed me again.
But I was able to overcome it. It was not easy. It took me years to finally accept that I am afraid of failing. And it took me many battles just to defeat my own fear. And last night, after a gazillion of battles I have fought, I won. But it was not an easy battle—nothing was, nothing is, and nothing will ever be.
I have been a prisoner of my own fear, that I realized when I woke up the next day. Little fear can cripple even a great man in the making. But I won’t let it loom my decisions in life. Never again. I might be still scared, but it won’t cripple me again. For I remember a great line from one of my favorite poems, Invictus: “I am the master of my soul, I am the captain of my fate.”