The First Bite of Reason

You thought you loved him, but after some time, you realized that you actually did not. The realization made you sad, because you thought it was real, because you thought and you firmly believed that what you felt for him at the time was as real as your existence.

After the fall out, you cried buckets of tears, thinking you won't be able to feel again, that you won't be as in love again. You thought he'd be the last person you'd love, but you were wrong.

Now, six months past your second heartbreak, you are in love again. And how you wish that this time, it would be real.

Gravity's Command

It is like falling in love for the first time.

You memorize every detail of his being--from his physical attributes to his core values. You know his smell--rustic and comfy; his eyes, those eyes that speak to you everytime you look at him; his lips that twitch everytime he thinks of something witty but refuses to say it; his nose that wrinkles whenever he looks at you; and his voice, that soft yet stoic voice. You understand why he keeps most of his emotions to himself, why it takes time for him to open up, and what keeps him from doing what he wants.

You keep tabs of little things that he's done for and with you like how you keep the fondest memories of your childhood. You remember the way he looked at you the first time you met, the first joke you shared, the first laugh you had with him, and the other firsts. You remember everything he says, whether it be about a random dog or a political dogma. You save everything in your memory. Heck, you even write about it. You write about the day he called you fat ass and the night he asked you of your weight. You take note of his random anecdotes on certain things. You write about him--the way he talks to you, the tone of his voice, the touch of his skin, the smell of his hair. You write about the way he makes you feel whenever he is around, whenever he cracks a joke, whenever he is with you. You write your memory with and about him. Everything that relates to him, you take note so that you won't forget.

With each day, you keep on reviewing, asking yourself, "Of all people, why him?" He is adorably random and awkward, a little humanoid on the side. He is hot and cold, not easy to understand and to handle. It is like you are dissecting and scrutinizing a masterpiece. You are gentle as you turn every piece of him inside out, inspecting, knowing, understanding, and accepting. Every part of him screams his name, of his uniqueness, but you know that he is more than the sum of his parts. Definitely more than that.

It is like falling in love for the first time and seeing the person in a different light.

Love Bug

It's the first day of the Love Month and I am spending it on my deathbed. Oh, the irony.

Since it is February, I'll indulge myself to talk about love and romantic shiznit. So, let me lay out my views on love (yes, you'll definitely read lots of this word in this entry, so if you are cringing right now, you might as well leave this page and stalk someone else).

First, I believe that love should be all about understanding and acceptance. You know what they say about seeing beyond your partner's faults? That one is true. Every person in love would understand this. It is like the saying "love is blind" but not quite. It is more of acknowledging your partner's shortcoming and accepting it in a way that will not sway you from reality. I mean, if you really love a person, you would embrace his/her whole humanity. Besides nobody's perfect, right?

Second, there's no half-measure in love. Go all out. You might lose yourself in the process, but you know what? That's when you'll learn to love your own person. And when you learn that, that's when you'll be able to love someone with all your existence. Sounds romantic? Of course.

Third, love is love. There are different stages and kinds of love. The bottomline is, it is still love. If you believe and if you truly feel as if it is love, then who are to tell you that it is not? Besides, what love is not true?

Fourth, all is fair in love and war. However, you must remember that there are rules, whether written or not, in war. What more in love? BUT! You must also remember that some rules are meant to be broken in order to find and to get the person you love. It's just a matter of timing and how far you will go for the sake of love.

Last, all of these are purely relative. You might agree or disagree with me. You may deem my beliefs illogical or whatever. It's up to you. And yes, please do entertain me. What do you think about love?

Tomorrow Never Knows

Imagination is running wild. Emotions are running high. Time is running out.

You closed your eyes. He opened his.

There was "Once a upon a time..." but there can never be "...and they live happily ever after." Perhaps it is the great "What if?" Perhaps he is "The One who got away." But there's no way that you'll ever find out why or how it is. You will simply never know. Not in this life time, not ever.

You opened your eyes, but he wasn't there anymore.

Stupid Cupid

Love could be the most beautiful feeling ever...or it could be the most terrifying.

Either way, love is the most confusing and the most complex feeling of all. The rush, the thump, the rose-colored glasses, then the uncertainty, the fear, the anxiety--these emotions fill up your heart as butterflies swirl in your stomach.

You see him. Your heart skip a bit. You take a deep breath. You stare at him, and suddenly you hear music in the background. It is the kind of music that only people (falling) in love can hear. The kind of music that makes a heart swell with overwhelming emotions. Everything fades into the background. There's only one dimension--He. Everything's on slow motion as he walks towards you. He is smiling his lopsided smile, the smile that won your heart from the very start. He waves at you. You smile back, failing to wave in return because you don't have the energy to do so. You hear your heart stumping like crazy. You hold your breath, anticipating, waiting for him.

Then, the future flashes before you. You are spending your life with him. You have two kids. You are living in a two-story yellow house with a big garage and a well-maintained garden. Your family owns a dog named Bully. He is the youngest partner in a well-known law firm in the city, while you are making your way in publishing industry. You talk about random things every night before going to sleep. You cook breakfast for him and the kids every morning and make sure that they do not forget anything before they leave. You stay at home, writing your new novel. During weekends, he cooks for the family. He makes time for you and the kids. He is the one in-charge during the weekends. He makes you feel like a queen. He takes you out to dinner sometimes while the kids stay over at their grandparents' place. But most of the time, you spend the time together as one happy family.

Sometimes you argue over silly things, but make up after everything is cleared. Your life together as a couple is pretty usual, only that the love you have for each other has not faded, not a bit. Time passes. Your kids turn into adults. Still, the two of you is together. You still listen to your favorite songs together. You two still hold hand and share the same dream together. He is old. You are old. But time is nothing. He smiles at you, his eyes glisten with unwavering love. You smile back, knowing that you have made the right decision to fight for him long ago.

Now, he's in front of you. His smile has not faded. His eyes shimmer with happiness and excitement. You gaze at him, longing, gaping, thinking of what to say. You heart is in your throat.

Five years is a long time. Yet, you are falling in love with him over again. You feel your gut tighten. Then, there comes fear. You are supposed to take this chance to tell him what you feel. You are supposed to tell him you love him, but you cannot. You fear his rejection. But it is now or never. You open your mouth to say the words you long to say for five years. Just when the first word is slipping off of your lips, a girl comes into the picture. He put his right arm over her shoulders and gives her a peck on her lips. He introduces you to her. You smile. She smiles. He says something to you, but you cannot hear any of it. Your ears stop functioning. You cannot move. You are staring at them, yet you cannot see. Your heart has been crashed. Your hopes died. Everything in you is breaking into pieces. Pain is eating you away. It is not jealousy, it is pure pain and heartache. You wish everything is just a dream, a very bad dream. But you know that the pain is real, way too real.

But of course, you know that none of these are true. That all of these just happen in your mind. You just make these up. You are not in love. You are not hurt. You are just bored and maybe a little bit hormonal. There is no "He," because "He" only exists in your imagination. The emotions you've created are just words without meaning, nothing more. You lie on your bed, shake off any remaining ideas in your head, and sleep. You sleep until you don't feel alone and lonely anymore. You sleep until you are in that familiar world again. A world where love is not confusing and complex. You sleep, and worry no more.