Frustration is Ze Bitch.
Recently, I've been putting a lot of effort in building my future--law school. I've been engrossed in turning my plans into actions that I forgot how it is to live life. I had it all planned. Law school. Scholarship. Work. I am willing to go MIA, to vanish from the face of Beer World (aka Social Life), and to become a walking zombie for four years. I am willing to do just that...for Law School. I want it that bad. I have never wanted anything this bad. And I have never worked hard like this in my life. Believe me, I have never been a Control Freak in my life. Ever. Until now. In college, life was simple for me--finish college, get a job, and save up. I thought of getting into law school (and even Med School), but that was just it. I just entertained the idea, but did not consider it as a next step. Until I had the taste of what it's like to be part of the Work Force.
That was when I saw the beauty of Dreams. That was when I realized that I wanted to pursue higher degree. Anything, just to achieve something. I was never an achiever. I was complacent and passive in school. (Blame it on my parents who taught me that grades do not matter.) I did not excel in school. I was only a member in the organizations I was in. I was a nobody. I did not graduate with Latin Honors. I was an average student. I have nothing but my transcript of record from Ze University. I did not like the idea that I would forever be a victim of the system. I realized that I am tired of mediocrity. (Not that mediocrity is bad, but try doing that for 20 years, you'll get what I mean.) I am tired of wasting my potentials for PHP13k something salary. I am made for something more. Hence, law school.
I attended summer classes for extra English units. I invested money, time, and energy to make it happen. I thought of strategies to make Law School happen. I applied for the Scholarship, got "accepted," and attended some classes. I worked hard for it. I religiously attended to my duties as an assistant to the Guidance Counselor. I became a different person--goal-oriented, control freak, time conscious, organized, and boring. I read the assigned readings with diligence and understanding. I read it twice for further understanding. Yes, twice! I learned to take down notes of important concepts, and to study my notes before the class. I became a diligent, competitive, go-getter person. But only for two weeks. Just when everything was falling into its right place, something happened. In this case, it was the Scholarship. Apparently, my papers were not processed yet. Hence, I was not able to enroll. Thus, no law school for me. I don't want to delve into the details, but the bottom line is, I was made to believe that I would get the scholarship. They led me on, they made me hope. They said it was a "Sure shot!" BUT NO.
I blame them for making me feel this frustrated. I blame their system. I blame them for making me believe, for leading me on, for using my skills, etc., etc. But I blame myself more. I should have taken into account the possibility of not getting that scholarship. I should have been prepared for that possibility. I should have seen it coming. I should have planned this Law School shit thoroughly. It was negligence on my part. It was my fault, really. But seriously, screw them.
Since I cannot do anything about it anymore, I might as well accept the fact that this is not the right time for me to enter law school. No matter how emotionally and mentally prepared I am for the nerve-wrecking four years in law school, I am just not meant to become a law student this year. Well, not in that school. I just have to wait for another year. It's just another year, right? What can possibly happen? It is not as if law school will go away. Law School is always there, waiting for my arrival, waiting for 2006-21683 to be re-activated.
