There goes the answer

I was not looking for it, but it came. It might not be the best option, but it was what I needed. It took me a two-hour bus ride from San Carlos City to Bacolod City to finally decide on what to do with my life.

Here it goes:

Law school. Exactly a year ago, I was determined to pursue law school, but well, life happened. I'm still up for it, but then I decided to postpone it for another year or two. Why? One, I cannot make the same mistakes again. I must be prepared with contingency plans if the first one did not work out. Two, I have my doubts (agaaain.) I don't want to head into law school half-heartedly. There can't be half-measures on my part. I can't take the risk and the judgment that comes after if I quit in the middle of law school. Third and probably the most legit reason, my younger sister is going to college this term. Hence, I am stalling law school. It can wait, but my sister's right to tertiary education can't.

Wanderlust. Because of the kick of the doubt, I also decided to search my calling--whatever it is. In order to find that, I will travel the country, searching pieces of myself bit by bit. I will give in to my wanderlust. I must find myself first. And when I do, I'll make a review of my life choices.

Books. I keep buying books, but I don't have the time to read them. Hence, the four-feet tall stash of unread books in my room. This year, I have to make sure that I read at least one book a month just to keep my brain cells from bumming. I can't afford to be stupid if I would go to law school, right?

On Why I am Pressured Right Now

For almost eight months, I evaded the ultimate question: "What's your plan for the next academic year?" I tried so hard to keep my face straight and my resolve unwavering. I refused to give any concrete answer to any person who asked me that question. I refused, because I honestly don't know how to answer them.

However, it seems inevitable, especially right now that most of the Gerls are in medical school (2 in UP, 2 in UST, 1 in UERM, and 2 in DLSU-Dasma--all of which are prominent medical schools in the country). I know that I should not feel pressured whatsoever, but I am a fairly competitive person. And it doesn't help that people around me including my mom keep asking, "Are you going back to law school?"

Here's the thing: I am sure of going back to law school. I just don't know when. I still want to go to law school despite my experience last year. I still want to have that blood rushing, heart thumping, and mind boggling recitation ordeal. I want it that bad, but only time will tell when I'd be back. Because as of this writing, I am waiting for some miracle to happen. I am waiting for the great come back, the defining moment. And when it comes (and I believe that it will), that'd be the time I will give an answer to the ultimate question.

For now, I will keep my fingers crossed as I wait for the best birthday gift ever. Till then, I will not entertain any question that has to do with law school.

Love Will Tear Us Apart

Do you know what happens when you get your heart broken? You overcompensate.

You do the stuff you don’t usually do. You study hard, you get active with a lot of community endeavors, you read books you thought you’ll never read, you exercise and make yourself better. You become somebody else. You occupy yourself with many things, thinking that you’ll get over him sooner than you expect. You keep yourself busy. You keep your head clear from any of his memories.

You run from his memories. You opt not to watch the TV shows that he likes. You turn off your iPod once you hear the music he listens to. You hide him from your News Feed on Facebook. You delete his messages on your phone. You throw away your photos together. You try hard to disintegrate yourself from him.

You wake up early to start a productive day. You work harder, you push yourself to the limits. You go home, a little drunk and tired. You hit the bed. You don’t have the energy anymore. You sleep late, and the routine continues the next day. You become a robot, merely existing, barely living. You tire yourself. You work until you run out of energy, until your body cries for help, until your mind screams “Rest!” You work and work and work and work until you hit pit bottom.

You keep fighting the urge to regress. You fight off any unwanted emotions. You keep telling yourself that you are strong. But in the end? The fact remains—you have a hole in your heart that no one/nothing, not even the greatest accomplishment, can ever fill in.

Can't Buy Me Love

Everyone has a price.

Mine was PHP 13,500.00. I was once a slave for PHP 13,500.00. I spent nine months of being a slave for money, which can't buy me love (as The Beatles would say.) I became a servant for money. And where does that leave me? What has become of me?

I got lost in the process. I got more confused. I lost my perspective. All the things that I have believed in were thrown out the window (as Sugar Ray once told me.) I became a massive bomb of self-destruction. I wandered without a cause. I talked without substance. I existed without a goal. All for PHP 13,500.00.

I was pathetic, yes. I became a victim of my own country. I became a victim of the system--the very system which I tried to change when I was in college. I became a slave, a person without a personality, for money. Money that can't even buy me happiness. And I allowed it.

Thirteen thousand five hundred pesos got me nowhere. It made me worse, instead. It changed me into someone I despised. I lost my idealism in life. I lost a part of me that I can never have back--humanity. I have turned into this money-making machine. Money changed me. And I hated it. I know that that amount of money is not my worth, but I still took it, believing that money is the solution to everything. And I regretted it.

I lost some friends in the process. I blamed them. I blamed them because they did not warn me about the real world and what it can do to me as a person. I blamed them for not giving me a heads up. I blamed them for what I have become. But really, I knew from the start that it was entirely my fault. I blamed myself for being superficial. I thought I could make it to the real world, unharmed and triumphant. I thought I could handle it, but of course, the Universe proved me wrong. I was too idealistic and too stupid for the real world. I was too young to handle such amount of responsibility.

I had been disillusioned by that meager salary. Then, just like a light bulb, an epiphany crossed my mind: The "mature" world is not for me to take...yet. I am still young in all aspects of my personhood. I still need to grow up and to learn a lot of things. I am not as tough as I believe. I need a retreat. I know soon, I deserve more, but not just now.

So, I decided to leave my job and to retrieve what I have lost. I decided to go back to the academe (to learn more, which I haven't done in college), fix my life (which I unconsciously wrecked before), rebuild my belief system, and reunite with my old retrospective self.

As I am writing this, I commemorate my 37th day of bumhood. I am young and I am broke. I may have no money, but I like the current version of myself. I still believe that everyone has price. It's just that mine is not as cheap as what I had bargained for.

Being 20 and All That Jazz

The clock struck 4:10am, and suddenly I am 21.

I felt a sudden thug in my stomach as if I swallowed a live gnome. I felt my gag reflex acting on me. I felt sick. And I am 21.

I thought I'd be 20 forever. I don't know. The idea of being 21 did not cross my mind until I realized that I cannot stop time. I thought I could be infinite, endless, limitless, 20 ever and ever. Until time has decided upon me. It was a bit heartbreaking.

I liked being 20. I was not too young and not too old. Just right, I guess. Twenty was the right age for me. It was full of angst, chaos, drama, and other shit I would rather not discuss now. It was a different kind of ride. Too much had happened. My ideals were shattered, my heart was broken (by different circumstances and people), my morals got twisted, and my dreams were... Well, I cannot remember where they went.

I liked being 20. I can get away from almost everything--from social responsibilities to personal ones. I can blame my age. I can blame anything, but I did not. Being 20 was more of an adolescent age for me than adulthood in a lot of aspects of my (non)existence. For one, I have committed a lot of risky behaviors (which I would rather not specify here) in a span of one year. Then, I was attacked (yes, the term is attacked) by human emotions--from lust to lovefrom helplessness to nirvana. I had too much of everything to the point that I intentionally forgot most of it. And then, nothingness.

I liked being 20. I wanted to stay 20 forever, but time has decided. It cannot be helped. Now, I am 21 and I am still as lost as I was when I was 20.

Not Coming Home

What happened to January 2011?

Emotional Trauma. This is when all the 2010 awesomeness and lack of emotions backfired. It is a whirlwind battle against emotional upheavals. My been-there-done-that attitude didn't work. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I had it all under control. But thanks to family drama and other issues I'd rather not tackle, I am quite in a roller coaster ride with my hormones this month. I could be a drama queen (or king, whichever you prefer) for all I know.

The Black Swan Effect. I am a struggle in the making. A war is brewing inside me. Perhaps that's just me competing against my past and future.

And other things I could not put into words. Will keep you posted soon.

Helter Skelter!

First post for another new decade: I ditched my work today.

I know this is going to happen. This is bound to happen--me ditching me work. I looked back at some of my posts and I realized that I was a wreck. I cannot decide. I was out of touch. I was disillusioned. I was as confused as I was when I left college. But what's even annoying is the sad reality that nothing changed.

I am still stuck in that phase. I still want to quit my job and study instead. I still want to do crazy things. I still want to abandon the world and stop thinking about anything else. LOL drama. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I am taking baby steps to get to my goals this year, which leads me to my 2011 resolution:

• Jog/Exercise
• Read more
• Write more
• Spend less
• Drink less
• Study harder
• Be competitive

I'd probably laugh at myself if I see this next year. I don't know. But yeah, I am starting to jog. I am currently studying for an exam in April (take note: in April! That's a start!) I am halfway through Skywriting by Word of Mouth. I am spending less, which leads me to a sober and happy version of me. I just hope that I could keep this up.

And yes, I am enjoying this "I-ditched-my-work" day. Start the decade right, so they say.

Edge of my Seat

Only few people are worth the effort, the time, and the shenanigans.

Sadly enough, you are not one of them. You never asked me if I am okay. You never did that, because you never really cared about me or about anyone. You never talked to me when you're okay and sober. You just talked to me whenever you have a fucking problem or whenever you needed someone who would listen to your crap. You saw me as someone who will listen to you whenever you want to rant. You only saw me as a wallflower, always ready to understand you, always ready to drop anything at your beck. You never saw me as an equal, because nobody can ever be your equal. Besides who I am to you anyway? I am just some dirtbag you can toss around whenever you are back to your fucking happy ways.

I was a friend to you, but you never were a friend to me. You never listened to me. It was always You because you are the center of the world. You never asked me, "What's wrong?" when I was deliberately telling you that I am fucking depressed. You did not even bother to pat my back, dude. Instead you asked me a far-fetched question directing to your greatness. You never cared that I was fucking my head with a steel bar just so I could get along with your mood swings. You did not even consider that I have a life and problems to deal with, that it was too much for me to do your stuff. I cannot fucking take it anymore

And you know what's the saddest part of it all? It is the fact that I allowed you to do that to me. At some point, I had my faults. I had been a doormat (because that's what I really am). But I can only take so much. I can never be that person anymore. I am tired of always having to consider your feelings before mine, of having to think about your opinions before I express mine, of having to put your needs before mine, and of having to be your shadow everytime. I am sick of it. I'm done with your selfishness and self-serving bias.

You weren't there when I was having a bout with depression. You weren't there when I can't feel my feet. You weren't there when I ate a pack of Cream-O in one sitting. You weren't there when I was thinking of dropping my major. You weren't there when my tummy went crazy. You weren't there when I had my heart broken. Maybe you cannot even understand the story behind these things, because you weren't there. You were simply not there for me.

Perhaps you will never understand me, but I don't care anymore. You can shit all you want, but you cannot move me. Not anymore.

Talk is Cheap

For the most part of my existence, I am confused.

What should I expect? After all, I am just a 20-year old adolescent who is torn between social responsibilities and personal responsibilities. I can be as confused as anyone else. They say life starts at 40. I still have 20 years left to waste, so to speak. And another 20 years to live Life before I die. But do I really want to waste 20 years for nothing? Can I stand living in this could of confusion for another long period of time? Is that what I really want?

I am a great mass of cloud. I have no form. I have no direction. I adapt to my environment. I don't claim my own personality. I cannot. But I want to be someone else. Not in the sense that I want live a different life in different time, I just want to be somebody whom I love to the core. And in order to be that someone, I need to decide and to act now. It's tough, but nobody said it was easy.

I am taking baby steps. I don't want to take a giant leap. I am not Neil Armstrong, so I'll pass that thing. I am nearing a decision. I've done this long time ago, but I just don't have the guts to do so. I think I know what I want now. I have wanted this long time ago, I just forgot about it. Certain things clouded my head and led me nowhere. But now, it came to me: I want to be a Visual Anthropologist.

This is what I wrote a year ago. I think I had it all figured out before, of course I was wrong. I am living in a fast-paced world where forgetting is as normal as breathing. It makes me sad how much conviction I had when I wrote this piece of crap. It was an epiphany. A eureka moment. But like any great inventions, it is destined to be put into oblivion. That's what sucks.

I just hope that this time I will pull this one off, that this time I will follow my dreams and will make sure that it will happen. I wish I had enough guts to abandon social constraints and go for it. But I guess, these words have no meaning until I act. And that's exactly the challenge for me.

I don't want to be confused anymore. I do not want to wait until I am 40 to realize what it takes to really live.

Backlog Please

I hate the internet!

I have had unproductive weekends because of my addiction to the virtual world. I should probably be cursed for dragging myself into this kind of stagnation. I have a lot of interesting things to during weekends, but I still have not accomplished anything because of the internet. There are so many things on the internet that's why it's hard for me to get out in front of my computer most of the time. Ahhh! I am doomed.

I am in the doldrums. I need a fix. I certainly need something to remind me of the things that I really want to do. Hm. Perhaps this blog entry will remind me of that, ne? I need to do some reading and watching.

I am currently drowning in my books. But yeah, I am done with The Perks of Being a Wallflower long time ago. And I am currently in the middle of reading Kafka on the Shore and To Kill a Mockingbird. Yes, I read two (or more) books at once. My attention span needs rewiring.

Of course, I need to get back to DVD marathon. Dang! I lost my touch in this recently. Thus, I am keeping an eye on these DVDs. Hmm. Though I am done with Across the Universe and Janis, I still have a lot of movies/documentaries to catch up. Define backlog.

I am hoping that when I log on the internet, I will see this. So that I can remind myself to do something else other than lurking on the net and stalking people.

Life flashes a sardonic smile

I find it amazing how people can grow up and mature in a short period of time.

Just six months ago, my friends and I were gushing about skipping classes, hang overs, exams, thesis, papers, and sleepless nights. But now, we often discuss investments, money, career, and other stuff that only "old" people can understand.

It is funny in a harsh way. Because as everything sinks into my head, I am coming to a conclusion that we are now deduced to something far from our fun-loving selves before. Everything becomes complicated. From long exams to thesis, we are now faced with more serious things like surviving life with meager salary, paying the bills, making up to our parents aka paying back (though this one is optional), making the means and ends meet, getting along with a lot of superficial people, understanding the system, and letting it beat you up. We forget our dreams. Then, we become victims of capitalism.

Which leads me to respect every single soul who has the courage to take the step to become what s/he wants to be. I salute people who do what they love to do despite economic struggles. I look up to people who ditch a sucky job to do what their hearts really desire. Only few people can do that.

To Capitalism and beyond!

I am a battered wife.

I decided to stay.

I just woke up this morning feeling a bit okay. It took me one Albert Einstein, a 7-hour sleep, some verses, and another 15 minutes to think over my life. Perhaps I am inconsistent and indecisive. But can you blame me for feeling such? I am just a struggling artists living as a corporate slave. My future is blurred.

I feel like a battered housewife. I am helpless over the fact that I cannot move on. I have other options, but I decided to stay, because I don't want to be broke. And being broke is something I don't want to experience ever again (okay, that was, of course, a sarcasm). Seriously, a lot of (working class) people feel this way. It is the strangling thought: If I resign now, I will have a hard time getting a new job. Only few have the guts to venture the path of the unknown, and I am not one of them.

By staying, I admit that I am a coward. I don't have the nerve to go and chase after what I really want. By staying, I admit that perhaps money weighs more than happiness sometimes. LOLJK. By staying, I admit that I want the best of both worlds.

But then, I am not staying for good. I will psych myself so that I could unlearn this helplessness that I feel. I will only stay until "such time" has come. Perhaps until then, I can truly decide.

Clean Slate

Hoping against hope.

The perfect phrase to describe my emotion right now. In a matter of 24 hours, I will be jobless. I am actually scared of joining the bum force. Mainly because I don't want to be broke again.

So okay. I have been thinking most of the day about my decision. I know for a fact that my current job experience will have no bearing on the field that I want to enter. I want Research and Writing. Period. And this is far from being a Researcher/Writer. It's the main point that I have been telling myself for the whole day just to make myself feel less afraid of being broke for the coming months. Other than that, I have nothing else to say.

Apparently, I am still not decided. I can still feel a flickering hesitation in my chest. Is this the best decision I can come up with right now? Do I still have any other options? And yes, that's just me making myself a lot confused that before. I am not decided yet, but every time I think about my deteriorating health and state of mind, I just feel tired and depressed. And that's not healthy. So by stating this, I think I will take the path less traveled tomorrow. I have thought about this for the whole day while reading Albert Einstein Biography. Enough said.

I just hope that whatever happens, I won't regret it for the rest of my life.

In which case, I shall drop some verses from the Bible:

"Therefore do not worry, saying, ; What will we eat?' or 'What will we wear? For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ( Matthew 6:31-33)

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: the neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!" ( Luke 12:22-24)

"So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today." (Matthew 6:34)

"And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to the span of life?" ( Luke 12:25)

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid." ( John 14:27)

They make sense to me. Therefore, I shall concede to Tintin's piece of advice: It is not as if we're not going to get a job.

PS:

I am blaming The Perks of Being a Wallflower for being this unmotivated and depressed. So to anyone who will read that book, just make sure that you like what you are doing, and that you are not some hormonal psychopath like me.

Chasing Liberty

And so I failed.

I was supposed to inform the office manager that I am not going to continue working with the firm anymore. But then tons of work came. I forgot what I was supposed to accomplish today.

My day started with "Oh shit!" as I realized that it was already 7:30 in the morning and I have work. I stayed immobile for some 15 minutes to plan my strategy for the day. Should I drop the bomb to the manager first thing in the morning or should I wait until my paycheck is given? Should I leave my work at once or should I linger to finish my pending files? Should I do it or not? What are the pros and cons of leaving my job without any certainty about my future? That was the longest and the deepest 15 minutes of my life. Ever.

I dragged myself to work after that. The whole day was hazy for me since I was not myself and I was waiting for the right timing. All came swiftly. It all passed and went. But there are three things I can remember. First, my immediate superior started the day with, "Hoy Angeline! Madami kang rush." while I was having my coffee and small talk with two officemates. Second, the manager was cranky but he told me that I passed my first three months with flying colors. Third, I was swamped with work that I had no time to talk to the manager regarding my impending doom.

Aside from my failure to accomplish my personal task, I also failed to keep hope burning in my chest. I came to realize what a fool had I been last night. I totally busted my chance. So much for shooting for the moon, I guess.

Jack of All Trades, Master of None

I want so many things at once.

And it's not healthy anymore. I am too selfish for my own sake.

Perhaps my interviewer was right when he told me that I need to focus on my future and with what I really want with my life. I guess my resume is a solid proof that I have diverse interests ranging from Human Resource Management to Research and Writing. At first I thought it was cool, because I can be anything I want. But then, I came to realize that it was far from that. I remain to be jack of all trades, master of none

I tried to be an artist, a multimedia junkie, an educator, an anthropologist, a writer, and an employee. They all worked out for me, except for the latter part I think (refer to the previous entry). I just want to explore all my potentials and capabilities, because I want to tell my grandchildren in the future that I had been this and that. Unfortunately, companies want someone who has a direction in life. And that's not me.

I have no direction in life. I have no idea what my career will look like five to ten years from now. Mainly because I have simple needs and simple goals in life. I have not thought of buying a car, because all I need is a decent home where I can eat my mom's cuisine. I have not thought of staying in a company for more than five years, because I want to do something more humane than that. Life is too short only to be spent in a routinary job. I have not thought of any other long term goals because I only have one: to renovate our house. I mean it. I guess if I answered that to my (future) interviewers, they will never understand. Because they will expect my answer to be more work-related shit. I hate to disappoint, but yes. That's the only long term goal that I have in mind.

I have no direction in life, because I want to live life one day at a time. It's funny, because people want to do just that, but they can never understand what it means. I have no focus, because I want so many little things at once. But the thing is, I want only one big thing which people will never understand.

That is to be profound.

Red Light is All I Need

Do you really know what depression means?

Because it is something that I have been experiencing since I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I feel the need to find myself and to figure out what I really want to do with my life. I want to vanish for a while. I want to go to a place where I could totally unwind and think about my life in retrospect. I know that I do not have the liberties to do that because I have responsibilities with my family and all, but then reality is depressing me. I am an employee. And I am not growing.

There's nothing wrong with being an employee. What sucks is that my job is not something that I really want. I wake up everyday with a big question mark on my head. I wake up everyday feeling very tired and depressed. I drag myself to work because I know that it is something that I need to do for the sake of subsistence. It is just a routine. And I don't like routines. For three months, I have been doing this and that. But I am not growing anymore. I am stagnant. I am not learning because I don't like what I am doing for a living. Perhaps it has something to do with that.

Three months is a short period of time to learn, but I know it when I am not learning anymore. I know it when all I do is passive learning. It is not good. For the past eight years of my life, I do that. And it is not funny anymore. The real world is here. There's no school to house me in times of great depression, and there are no professors to blame for a failing grade. The real world is here and I am part of it. I only have myself to struggle with. I am the only one who can change my life. I am the captain of my soul, I am the master of my fate.

So tomorrow will be a make or break for me. Sure I have made friends at work, but it is time for me to decide for myself. I won't make the same mistake that I did back when I was in college. I have been playing safe all my life, that's why I am stuck in mediocrity. I wish I could make something happen tomorrow.

It is time to take the risk. It's good thing that I am depressed right now. I do stupid things when I am depressed. I just wish that hope won't die with me tomorrow.

Shakespeare, I need you now.

I am never good at making decisions. Never.

That's why I keep on stalling. But time is running out. I cannot pretend to be rich anymore by wasting it. I need to come up with a good decision now. Or else, I'd be making the same mistakes that I did when I was in college. That'd be awful.

Oh shit. I need to contemplate now. I only have three days to decide. To be or not to be: that is the question. On the side note, why would I keep on doing something that I do not love? Why?

Burning the Bridges

Sitting, waiting, wishing...

I could use some good introductions right now like "I wish I could write like Edgar Allan Poe..." or "How does it feel to be always waiting for something that will never come?" or "Some stars are meant to fall and never to regain its twinkle," but I know I could not sustain that. I would be bastardizing a good start with a nonsensical follow ups. So better not to use any of them.

I am thinking of something witty or interesting to write about. I have thought of writing my obituary, but that's just so typical. I have thought of ranting about how my life sucks right now, but that's so whiny. I have thought of weaving words for my suicide note, but that's pathetic. I have thought of listing down what I did today (which is not interesting at all), but that's very lame. So, I decided on writing about nothing and something at the same time. What could that be?

Superman is Gay. This has been a theory since time immemorial. I have heard a lot of accounts regarding Superman's gender. There are a lot of debates going on the virtual world, but nothing beats the joke that I have heard from Infidel today (I guess, that's because it was the first time that I have heard of this joke!) It goes something like this (but not quite). There were some text missing, but get the point? That must have been the start of his "gayness." LOLJK. I also found a discussion on his gender over the internet. A serious discussion, dude. You can check it out here. Oh, pop culture! What the heck. I need Foucault or whoever gender theorists are available.

Blue streak. Ever heard of the expression talk a blue streak? Well, I haven't until Infidel told me about it. It means to say a lot very fast, to talk very much and very rapidly, in short--to blabber. But! It also means something other than its figurative meaning. Apparently, it is the term used to label the act of igniting one's fart. I kid you not. You can check this and that for further proof that one's fart is combustible. I also Googled on the matter (fart is the subject, my friend) and found an interesting link that can provide anyone a better understanding on fart. And yes, while I am writing this I am slashing my throat using a bread knife. Writing about fart is close to abomination and social suicide.

Dongca's Birthday!

Ber Months. I am never a fan of months with -ber on its end, because that only means one thing: Christmas. Though I am lusting for a long Holiday, I am not looking forward to Christmas for reasons I stated before. I am slowly turning into a Grinch. I have to endure the (repetitive) Christmas songs again. Oh. NO.

Want vs Need. My ultimate dilemma. Right now, I am contemplating on choosing which to acquire: a cellphone or a camera. I really want to have a Blackberry for a phone, but that's just not me. I mean, 2mp and not much of a mp3 player. So I think I will settle for Sony Ericsson Aino. As for the camera, well... That's different. I am lusting for Yashica FX-2 ever since I held it with my hands, but it is not practical to use film right now (unless I am a professional photographer.) So I (will) concede to Sir Abe's piece of advice: Go Digital. But then, I am having a hard time choosing which of the two (cellphone and camera) I will get. I can only have one! It is hard to choose.

This and That. November and December will be the death of me. I need to decide before November 11, 2010!!! Why is it hard to decide? Tell meeeee! WHY?

Oh shit. It's past 12am already! I failed to post this on the first day of September. Crap.

The MRT Experience

After a very long time, I once braved the claws of MRT again.

It was a Saturday and yet there were a lot of people rushing in and out of the train. MRT never fails to amaze me. So there, I hopped in the train at around 5:30pm and was bound to Shaw Boulevard to meet my friends. I was beating the 6pm call time so I would not be late. But it seemed to me that I was destined to be late anyway. What happened next was beyond my control.

When I reached Ayala Avenue Station, I started feeling a little uneasy. I started losing my hearing sense on my right ear and I started seeing an episodes of black out. But overall, I was still a bit okay. It was only when I reached Guadalupe Station that the symptoms persisted. I could not breathe anymore and with every breath that I took, all I could say was "Fuck!" The people in the train looked at me, but I could not see their expressions because my vision was becoming a lot blurry that it was. I could hear a buzz on both of my ears, it was crazy. I could catch some of the words that people in the train were saying, but I could not make sense out of them. I told myself that I could go through it until I reached Shaw Boulevard, which is only one station away. I could still stand anyway. But boy, I was wrong.

Guadalupe to Shaw Boulevard Station was the longest MRT ride I've ever experienced. The symptoms were getting worse. I could not stand anymore. I felt sudden weakness and numbing of my hands and feet. I started perspiring like a basketball player. Then a concerned citizen advised me to get off Boni station (station after Guadalupe) first so that I could get some fresh air. I conceded to his advice. When I got off the train, everything went blank. I knew right there and then that I passed out. Though I could still hear some of the voices that were talking to me, they were all hazy just like how it was in some movie scenes wherein a character passed out. I could not reply to their questions. I did not have the energy to do so. I was helpless. And that was the worst feeling ever.

I do not know how long I was in the hazy state of nothingness. But I can remember that there are still some people who have the heart to help other people in need. With that, I am starting to believe in humanity again. And yes, I am not going to brave the MRT again. Not ever.

Prayers Will Do

I could use some prayers now. And while I pray, I will let the The Smith's Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want play in the background.