When routine bites hard, and ambitions are low.

Frustration is Ze Bitch.

Recently, I've been putting a lot of effort in building my future--law school. I've been engrossed in turning my plans into actions that I forgot how it is to live life. I had it all planned. Law school. Scholarship. Work. I am willing to go MIA, to vanish from the face of Beer World (aka Social Life), and to become a walking zombie for four years. I am willing to do just that...for Law School. I want it that bad. I have never wanted anything this bad. And I have never worked hard like this in my life. Believe me, I have never been a Control Freak in my life. Ever. Until now. In college, life was simple for me--finish college, get a job, and save up. I thought of getting into law school (and even Med School), but that was just it. I just entertained the idea, but did not consider it as a next step. Until I had the taste of what it's like to be part of the Work Force.

That was when I saw the beauty of Dreams. That was when I realized that I wanted to pursue higher degree. Anything, just to achieve something. I was never an achiever. I was complacent and passive in school. (Blame it on my parents who taught me that grades do not matter.) I did not excel in school. I was only a member in the organizations I was in. I was a nobody. I did not graduate with Latin Honors. I was an average student. I have nothing but my transcript of record from Ze University. I did not like the idea that I would forever be a victim of the system. I realized that I am tired of mediocrity. (Not that mediocrity is bad, but try doing that for 20 years, you'll get what I mean.) I am tired of wasting my potentials for PHP13k something salary. I am made for something more. Hence, law school.

I attended summer classes for extra English units. I invested money, time, and energy to make it happen. I thought of strategies to make Law School happen. I applied for the Scholarship, got "accepted," and attended some classes. I worked hard for it. I religiously attended to my duties as an assistant to the Guidance Counselor. I became a different person--goal-oriented, control freak, time conscious, organized, and boring. I read the assigned readings with diligence and understanding. I read it twice for further understanding. Yes, twice! I learned to take down notes of important concepts, and to study my notes before the class. I became a diligent, competitive, go-getter person. But only for two weeks. Just when everything was falling into its right place, something happened. In this case, it was the Scholarship. Apparently, my papers were not processed yet. Hence, I was not able to enroll. Thus, no law school for me. I don't want to delve into the details, but the bottom line is, I was made to believe that I would get the scholarship. They led me on, they made me hope. They said it was a "Sure shot!" BUT NO.

I blame them for making me feel this frustrated. I blame their system. I blame them for making me believe, for leading me on, for using my skills, etc., etc. But I blame myself more. I should have taken into account the possibility of not getting that scholarship. I should have been prepared for that possibility. I should have seen it coming. I should have planned this Law School shit thoroughly. It was negligence on my part. It was my fault, really. But seriously, screw them.

Since I cannot do anything about it anymore, I might as well accept the fact that this is not the right time for me to enter law school. No matter how emotionally and mentally prepared I am for the nerve-wrecking four years in law school, I am just not meant to become a law student this year. Well, not in that school. I just have to wait for another year. It's just another year, right? What can possibly happen? It is not as if law school will go away. Law School is always there, waiting for my arrival, waiting for 2006-21683 to be re-activated.

Can't Buy Me Love

Everyone has a price.

Mine was PHP 13,500.00. I was once a slave for PHP 13,500.00. I spent nine months of being a slave for money, which can't buy me love (as The Beatles would say.) I became a servant for money. And where does that leave me? What has become of me?

I got lost in the process. I got more confused. I lost my perspective. All the things that I have believed in were thrown out the window (as Sugar Ray once told me.) I became a massive bomb of self-destruction. I wandered without a cause. I talked without substance. I existed without a goal. All for PHP 13,500.00.

I was pathetic, yes. I became a victim of my own country. I became a victim of the system--the very system which I tried to change when I was in college. I became a slave, a person without a personality, for money. Money that can't even buy me happiness. And I allowed it.

Thirteen thousand five hundred pesos got me nowhere. It made me worse, instead. It changed me into someone I despised. I lost my idealism in life. I lost a part of me that I can never have back--humanity. I have turned into this money-making machine. Money changed me. And I hated it. I know that that amount of money is not my worth, but I still took it, believing that money is the solution to everything. And I regretted it.

I lost some friends in the process. I blamed them. I blamed them because they did not warn me about the real world and what it can do to me as a person. I blamed them for not giving me a heads up. I blamed them for what I have become. But really, I knew from the start that it was entirely my fault. I blamed myself for being superficial. I thought I could make it to the real world, unharmed and triumphant. I thought I could handle it, but of course, the Universe proved me wrong. I was too idealistic and too stupid for the real world. I was too young to handle such amount of responsibility.

I had been disillusioned by that meager salary. Then, just like a light bulb, an epiphany crossed my mind: The "mature" world is not for me to take...yet. I am still young in all aspects of my personhood. I still need to grow up and to learn a lot of things. I am not as tough as I believe. I need a retreat. I know soon, I deserve more, but not just now.

So, I decided to leave my job and to retrieve what I have lost. I decided to go back to the academe (to learn more, which I haven't done in college), fix my life (which I unconsciously wrecked before), rebuild my belief system, and reunite with my old retrospective self.

As I am writing this, I commemorate my 37th day of bumhood. I am young and I am broke. I may have no money, but I like the current version of myself. I still believe that everyone has price. It's just that mine is not as cheap as what I had bargained for.

Helter Skelter!

First post for another new decade: I ditched my work today.

I know this is going to happen. This is bound to happen--me ditching me work. I looked back at some of my posts and I realized that I was a wreck. I cannot decide. I was out of touch. I was disillusioned. I was as confused as I was when I left college. But what's even annoying is the sad reality that nothing changed.

I am still stuck in that phase. I still want to quit my job and study instead. I still want to do crazy things. I still want to abandon the world and stop thinking about anything else. LOL drama. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I am taking baby steps to get to my goals this year, which leads me to my 2011 resolution:

• Jog/Exercise
• Read more
• Write more
• Spend less
• Drink less
• Study harder
• Be competitive

I'd probably laugh at myself if I see this next year. I don't know. But yeah, I am starting to jog. I am currently studying for an exam in April (take note: in April! That's a start!) I am halfway through Skywriting by Word of Mouth. I am spending less, which leads me to a sober and happy version of me. I just hope that I could keep this up.

And yes, I am enjoying this "I-ditched-my-work" day. Start the decade right, so they say.

Talk is Cheap

For the most part of my existence, I am confused.

What should I expect? After all, I am just a 20-year old adolescent who is torn between social responsibilities and personal responsibilities. I can be as confused as anyone else. They say life starts at 40. I still have 20 years left to waste, so to speak. And another 20 years to live Life before I die. But do I really want to waste 20 years for nothing? Can I stand living in this could of confusion for another long period of time? Is that what I really want?

I am a great mass of cloud. I have no form. I have no direction. I adapt to my environment. I don't claim my own personality. I cannot. But I want to be someone else. Not in the sense that I want live a different life in different time, I just want to be somebody whom I love to the core. And in order to be that someone, I need to decide and to act now. It's tough, but nobody said it was easy.

I am taking baby steps. I don't want to take a giant leap. I am not Neil Armstrong, so I'll pass that thing. I am nearing a decision. I've done this long time ago, but I just don't have the guts to do so. I think I know what I want now. I have wanted this long time ago, I just forgot about it. Certain things clouded my head and led me nowhere. But now, it came to me: I want to be a Visual Anthropologist.

This is what I wrote a year ago. I think I had it all figured out before, of course I was wrong. I am living in a fast-paced world where forgetting is as normal as breathing. It makes me sad how much conviction I had when I wrote this piece of crap. It was an epiphany. A eureka moment. But like any great inventions, it is destined to be put into oblivion. That's what sucks.

I just hope that this time I will pull this one off, that this time I will follow my dreams and will make sure that it will happen. I wish I had enough guts to abandon social constraints and go for it. But I guess, these words have no meaning until I act. And that's exactly the challenge for me.

I don't want to be confused anymore. I do not want to wait until I am 40 to realize what it takes to really live.

Noodle Breakout

I had too much noodles and MSG for the night. So pardon my line of thoughts.

There are only two things that I want in life right now: Canon 1000D and Yashica FX 2.

I am so sorry for being materialistic these past days, but I really want these babies (especially the latter!) As I said before, I am torn between buying myself a new phone (need) and buying a camera (want). Apparently, Want won over Need. Talk about priorities in life. So I gave in to my inner evils. I need to see something empirical as the product of my meager salary. I need to see a product of my hard work. And it should be something that I want so that I could feel a little worth in my job.

In other news, I probably should get a passport now so that I could avail those cheap plane tickets bound somewhere beyond Philippine Area of responsibility. I should have done this when I was still in college, but I did not. Because back then, I was so blinded by the thought that I will not need a passport since I am not going anywhere but here (and that I might die if I ride a plane.) Little did I know that Real World will change my perspective. Now I want to go to Japan and Singapore (and maybe Africa) for some "anthropological" reasons. Thinking about it now, I want to punch the college version of myself for being so lazy. Good thing there's online application now.

I am a battered wife.

I decided to stay.

I just woke up this morning feeling a bit okay. It took me one Albert Einstein, a 7-hour sleep, some verses, and another 15 minutes to think over my life. Perhaps I am inconsistent and indecisive. But can you blame me for feeling such? I am just a struggling artists living as a corporate slave. My future is blurred.

I feel like a battered housewife. I am helpless over the fact that I cannot move on. I have other options, but I decided to stay, because I don't want to be broke. And being broke is something I don't want to experience ever again (okay, that was, of course, a sarcasm). Seriously, a lot of (working class) people feel this way. It is the strangling thought: If I resign now, I will have a hard time getting a new job. Only few have the guts to venture the path of the unknown, and I am not one of them.

By staying, I admit that I am a coward. I don't have the nerve to go and chase after what I really want. By staying, I admit that perhaps money weighs more than happiness sometimes. LOLJK. By staying, I admit that I want the best of both worlds.

But then, I am not staying for good. I will psych myself so that I could unlearn this helplessness that I feel. I will only stay until "such time" has come. Perhaps until then, I can truly decide.

Clean Slate

Hoping against hope.

The perfect phrase to describe my emotion right now. In a matter of 24 hours, I will be jobless. I am actually scared of joining the bum force. Mainly because I don't want to be broke again.

So okay. I have been thinking most of the day about my decision. I know for a fact that my current job experience will have no bearing on the field that I want to enter. I want Research and Writing. Period. And this is far from being a Researcher/Writer. It's the main point that I have been telling myself for the whole day just to make myself feel less afraid of being broke for the coming months. Other than that, I have nothing else to say.

Apparently, I am still not decided. I can still feel a flickering hesitation in my chest. Is this the best decision I can come up with right now? Do I still have any other options? And yes, that's just me making myself a lot confused that before. I am not decided yet, but every time I think about my deteriorating health and state of mind, I just feel tired and depressed. And that's not healthy. So by stating this, I think I will take the path less traveled tomorrow. I have thought about this for the whole day while reading Albert Einstein Biography. Enough said.

I just hope that whatever happens, I won't regret it for the rest of my life.

In which case, I shall drop some verses from the Bible:

"Therefore do not worry, saying, ; What will we eat?' or 'What will we wear? For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ( Matthew 6:31-33)

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: the neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!" ( Luke 12:22-24)

"So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today." (Matthew 6:34)

"And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to the span of life?" ( Luke 12:25)

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid." ( John 14:27)

They make sense to me. Therefore, I shall concede to Tintin's piece of advice: It is not as if we're not going to get a job.

PS:

I am blaming The Perks of Being a Wallflower for being this unmotivated and depressed. So to anyone who will read that book, just make sure that you like what you are doing, and that you are not some hormonal psychopath like me.

Red Light is All I Need

Do you really know what depression means?

Because it is something that I have been experiencing since I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I feel the need to find myself and to figure out what I really want to do with my life. I want to vanish for a while. I want to go to a place where I could totally unwind and think about my life in retrospect. I know that I do not have the liberties to do that because I have responsibilities with my family and all, but then reality is depressing me. I am an employee. And I am not growing.

There's nothing wrong with being an employee. What sucks is that my job is not something that I really want. I wake up everyday with a big question mark on my head. I wake up everyday feeling very tired and depressed. I drag myself to work because I know that it is something that I need to do for the sake of subsistence. It is just a routine. And I don't like routines. For three months, I have been doing this and that. But I am not growing anymore. I am stagnant. I am not learning because I don't like what I am doing for a living. Perhaps it has something to do with that.

Three months is a short period of time to learn, but I know it when I am not learning anymore. I know it when all I do is passive learning. It is not good. For the past eight years of my life, I do that. And it is not funny anymore. The real world is here. There's no school to house me in times of great depression, and there are no professors to blame for a failing grade. The real world is here and I am part of it. I only have myself to struggle with. I am the only one who can change my life. I am the captain of my soul, I am the master of my fate.

So tomorrow will be a make or break for me. Sure I have made friends at work, but it is time for me to decide for myself. I won't make the same mistake that I did back when I was in college. I have been playing safe all my life, that's why I am stuck in mediocrity. I wish I could make something happen tomorrow.

It is time to take the risk. It's good thing that I am depressed right now. I do stupid things when I am depressed. I just wish that hope won't die with me tomorrow.

Shakespeare, I need you now.

I am never good at making decisions. Never.

That's why I keep on stalling. But time is running out. I cannot pretend to be rich anymore by wasting it. I need to come up with a good decision now. Or else, I'd be making the same mistakes that I did when I was in college. That'd be awful.

Oh shit. I need to contemplate now. I only have three days to decide. To be or not to be: that is the question. On the side note, why would I keep on doing something that I do not love? Why?

Nowhere Girl

I was young, naive, and stupid. I made mistakes I could never undo. I told tales of lies. I sought confirmation. I was young and I was lost. I was never part of anything. I was just a mere entity floating endlessly through the unfathomable depth of life.

So much of a dramatic introduction, I might as well drop it now.

How I spent most of my college life--broke, drunk, and elated. I miss those days when all I can think about was having fun. I miss my days as a juvenile delinquent. I hung around with my friends, cut my classes, missed my classes, and went to class a little drunk and zombie-like most of the time. I had the typical college life, so to speak. And yes, I miss my college life A LOT.

For that, I hold truism in the saying that, "There's a time for everything. It is called college." I do not know who said that, but whoever s/he is CHEERS!

"High with Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"

Let's chase the words before they slip away.

Nobody reads my blog entries except from some friends (three friends to be exact). It is not always that they read it, because my compositions can get wordy and dull and because they have no time. That's just fine with me. I prefer it that way.

I write for the sake of writing, not for popularity. I write for myself. I write for the sake of my sanity. I write to exorcise the demon in me. I write to let my mind relax, because I tend to over analyze things. I write, because I am not much of a good speaker. I stutter a lot, and it is only through writing that I get my message across people. I write, because I have a problem with pronunciation, and it is only through words that I get to be sensible. I write for the betterment of myself. I write without intending to be popular. I write just because.

Writing is solitary for me. My thoughts and words are my entirety. So I like it when only few people read what I write. Perhaps you are wondering why I keep an online journal like this if I prefer few people would know what I write. It is as simple as the fact that there's nothing wrong in coping with technology and stuff. I'd like to see one day what I wrote. The old school writing (pen-and-paper) has more soul. I concede to that. But even papers and ink can get washed away by time.

However, you must not think that I have not thought of publishing my first book. Much as I like to have a fewer readers, I'd love to have my writings be published. I'd like to remain anonymous yet known to some. At least. Actually, I have taken much time to think about my first published book.

My first published book will start with "I saw Death." and will end with ""It was my death." or something like that. It will have 300 pages, but no other words will be written aside from the beginning and the end. The "middle" pages will remain blank. That's how I've thought of it. Then, it will become a movie of some sort. Its movie adaptation will be a 2-hour show with nothing but the narration of the starting sentence and the end thought. In short, my first published book will be a two-liner book. Just like that.

Or I do not know. It is still early to tell anyway.

Curse of Atlas

Life is just a matter of perspective.

There are just two absolute truths in life: Everything has a reason. Everything must come to an end. But perhaps life is so mysterious that these absolute truths may not be the only absolute truths there are. Or maybe I have just underestimated life itself.

I always tell myself that everything has a reason. An event will not happen if there's no underlying cause or if there's no reason to it. There must be logic to all the events. There must be. Or maybe I am just convincing myself to make excuses for my pathetic life. Perhaps I must understand and accept that I am living an empty life. A life that has no reason. A life that has no goal. A life that has no depth in it. I am living only for the people depending on me. I am not living for myself. I am living the lives that are not mine. I am living a shallow life. Almost existing, barely living. And what's worse is that it is okay with me. I find it okay that I let other people be the sole reason for my whole being. It is as if my life is tailored to be that way. I feel as if that is my entire reason for existing. Though I get sad and mad at life sometimes, I always find a way to reason out with my emotions. I get tired sometimes. I feel betrayed by humanity and great forces of being. I feel exhausted and lonely. But I always do sweet lemoning. Sometimes it sucks, but I cannot do anything about it. My life is not mine to live. Some people owned it for me. However, no matter how angry I feel sometimes with the people around me for pushing me too hard, I always think that everything shall pass.

Everything will come to an end. It must. And that includes the difficulties and pain that I am going through right now. Everything has its end. But the thing is, what if I die first before this "everything" comes to its end? Perhaps I should blame our kinship system for this Curse of Atlas.

Old Songs Make Me Wanna

Strangers are just family you have yet come to know.

-The Five People You Meet in Heaven

People come and go. We meet a lot of people everyday. Some of them may become part of our lives, while some of them may just leave without even saying hello.

I should have accepted that reality long time ago, so that saying goodbye would not be this difficult. I know that someday I will lose some of the people I have come to love. I know that in one way or another people will have to say goodbye and other shit that will result to a broken heart (no, not in a romantic way). People, no matter how much they love and care for each other, are bound to part or to fall apart. Besides, relationships are not forever (or even for life). But I still hope that there would be something to solve that case. I still hope that there might be something to prevent falling apart and parting ways. I really do.

Curse me for being such an idealist shite but everyone looks forward to having a long term relationship, right? It is not as if one will think of ending a newly started relationship. And maybe that's the problem with me. I find it difficult to say goodbye (for real). I find it heart shattering to let a relationship go down the drainage. I have a hard time letting people (who are dear to me) go. It breaks my heart. I feel as though my chest is being crushed by a bulldozer. It depresses me. It makes me wonder why. Then, as much as I want to revive the relationship, I could not because I am too weak and too sad to even look at the person. That's the sad part. I do not have the strength to do something about it. It is just too much for one heart. But still I hope. I hope that someone else will come to replace them... Or that they will come back. Still I hope.

People come and go as they please. They move forward. They move on. But I am stuck at the same place where they left me.

Okay. So What?

I got a job. A real one.

(Yeah, I know I sounded unhappy in my last post but that's just me being bitchy about the tax). So here is the story behind my first real employment...

I applied to the HR/Admin Assistant position, and I was invited for an interview (that was Wednesday). I got excited. June 2. First Wednesday of the month. The moment that I received the message from the Office Manager, I told myself that I am set to pursue HR. I have made up my mind, in short. But as it seemed that day, HR has decided on me as well: It does not want me.

I was told, as the interview went on, that I was not qualified for the position simply because the firm preferred someone with experience in the field (i.e. Policy Making and other HR/Admin Stuff that I was not able to learn at the university). I was not qualified. The sad reality every fresh graduate must face: Being not qualified because of lack of experience.

Yes, it sounded as if a hopeless case but it did not. The Office Manager pointed out, "I could have set aside your resume since you do not have the most important qualification for the position you are applying to, but I saw something in your resume. You are well-credentialed, that's why I am going to discuss to you about the other positions in this firm."

The bottom line: the Office Manager offered me another position. He deemed that I would be better in that position. So he referred me (I just met him that day, I had no connections with him whatsoever) to that position, telling me that my resume would compete against the resume of other applicants (applicants to the same position) with Latin Honors. I just said yes (primarily because I was too sabaw to digest what was happening). That very same day I was interviewed by the Partner, Managing Associate, and Supervisor. That very same day. After the long interview, I had the exam. (Yes, I had the exam after I was interviewed). I had a long and tiring day (and it was all worth it, I guess). The parting words that I heard the Office Manager said was something like, "We'll get in touch with you Wednesday next week. Or maybe earlier than Wednesday." and something like, "Malay mo next time na mag-usap tayo, details na ng offer ang pag-uusapan." But I did not want to assume just yet, because I did not want to be jinxed (read previous blog entries).

The next thing I knew was waking up the next day and reading a message that came from the Office Manager stating, "The firm is set to make an offer to you. Hope you are okay tomorrow at 11am to discuss the details." And the only words that came out of my mouth was Oh God.

Another bottom line: I accepted the job. Hence my employed status.

However, I got interested at the job posting of the position that I have accepted. So I search online. And there you go (look at the picture above). The qualifications of an Insurance and Claims Specialist. My jaw just dropped at Fresh Graduates who belong to top 25% of the graduating class are encouraged to apply, and With experience working in an insurance company... I was not even a Cum Laude, and certainly I did not have any working experience in the field of insurance. (Plus the fact that my course is far from Legal Management or such disciplines!)

I must be born really Lucky! And yes, I am bragging this. I am sorry.

Tax is a bitch.

I got the job.

I should be happy right now. My bum days are coming to an end. But no. I am somewhere in between happy and sad just because of the tax. Crap. I miss the days when all I had to think about were exams, photocopying fees, and beer. But now, I have to think of a budget because I don't get an allowance from my mom. Now, I have to be wise with my money. And I have to pay the tax (which is the saddest part!!!) I also have to give back to my family (required!).

I have waited for this moment. Seriously. I thought that I would jump for joy and cry for merriment. I have waited for that kind of moment. But it never came. All I felt were a sudden rush of doubt and fear in me. The Am I sure to accept this epiphany came to me. I have seen the pros and cons of this job in a flash. I need to be patient and persevering. I have to. I need to be competitive. And fear is eating me alive, but I accepted the job offer.

I am about to venture to another chapter of my life. I am about to see the changes that will take course. I am about to unfold my future. Just because I got the job and I need to pay the tax.

Lady Luck is on my side!

When it rains, it pours.

Humble. An adjective that I believe is not suitable for me. I am not humble. I guess it has something to do with the schools I have been to and the blood that's running in my veins (Santos). But lately, I have had some humbling experience that taught me to be humble and proud at the same time. Proud in the sense that I am from a good school and shit. And humble in a way that though I am from a good school, I still have a lot to learn. I am still lacking.

So there. I learned so much shit that I have decided to keep my mouth shut. But I have learned as well to speak when needed. (And I don't see why I am telling these things HERE).

Anyway. So positive thinking and good vibes worked for me. The result came sooner than expected, and it was sweeter than I thought. I just hope that everything will turn out good for me tomorrow. (I'll dig the details once it's rightfully mine.)

I am keeping my fingers still crossed. Nothing beats Badjula and visualization!