Love Will Tear Us Apart

Do you know what happens when you get your heart broken? You overcompensate.

You do the stuff you don’t usually do. You study hard, you get active with a lot of community endeavors, you read books you thought you’ll never read, you exercise and make yourself better. You become somebody else. You occupy yourself with many things, thinking that you’ll get over him sooner than you expect. You keep yourself busy. You keep your head clear from any of his memories.

You run from his memories. You opt not to watch the TV shows that he likes. You turn off your iPod once you hear the music he listens to. You hide him from your News Feed on Facebook. You delete his messages on your phone. You throw away your photos together. You try hard to disintegrate yourself from him.

You wake up early to start a productive day. You work harder, you push yourself to the limits. You go home, a little drunk and tired. You hit the bed. You don’t have the energy anymore. You sleep late, and the routine continues the next day. You become a robot, merely existing, barely living. You tire yourself. You work until you run out of energy, until your body cries for help, until your mind screams “Rest!” You work and work and work and work until you hit pit bottom.

You keep fighting the urge to regress. You fight off any unwanted emotions. You keep telling yourself that you are strong. But in the end? The fact remains—you have a hole in your heart that no one/nothing, not even the greatest accomplishment, can ever fill in.

Going Solo

Day 1: Your current relationship status, if single discuss how single life is

Relationship Status: Single and Steady

Single Life in bullets

• Beer with Friends
• Books
• Coffee
• More time for impulsive decisions
• Deductive Reasoning
• Sleep (repeat ad infinitum)
• Me Time

Should I really discuss it? I like being single. Period.

Since I like tweeting about Challenge for the Day shit, I am doing the 30-day Challenge. For the lack of any creative juices in my brain. Don't judge me. Or whatever.

Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 04 - Your views on religion.
Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.
Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like.
Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss.
Day 11 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 - Bullet your whole day.
Day 13 - Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14 - Your earliest memory.
Day 15 - Your favorite tumblrs.
Day 16 - Your views on mainstream music.
Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year.
Day 18 - Your beliefs.
Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents.
Day 20 - How important you think education is.
Day 21 - One of your favorite shows.
Day 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23 - Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24 - Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
Day 25 - Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26 - What kind of person attracts you.
Day 27 - A problem that you have had.
Day 28 - Something that you miss.
Day 29 - Goals for the next 30 days.
Day 30 - Your highs and lows of this month.

When should I start? Later.

Tomorrow Never Knows

Imagination is running wild. Emotions are running high. Time is running out.

You closed your eyes. He opened his.

There was "Once a upon a time..." but there can never be "...and they live happily ever after." Perhaps it is the great "What if?" Perhaps he is "The One who got away." But there's no way that you'll ever find out why or how it is. You will simply never know. Not in this life time, not ever.

You opened your eyes, but he wasn't there anymore.

Killing the Buzz

Wake me up when October ends.

October 2010 is being a bitch on me. I started it with a bang, and will probably end it with another bang. This month is the worst I've ever had in my entire 20 years of existence. It already topped my March 2008 shit load. I had the roughest weeks this month, and will have another (and hopefully, the last!) screwed up and tiring week whether in the work place or at home.

So far, October is not getting any better for me. The hate fest still continues. And there's this kind of "Revolution" that I am going through. Not that it matters to anyone, but I am pretty fed up with my life. Sounds like teenage shit all over again, right? I know it's immature, but right now, I just feel like that. Maybe it has something to do with my crappy internet connection that keeps on letting me down for the past few days. To think that I am paying the priciest plan there is. So much for "good" advertising, I guess. I just feel tired in general. And I am too young to feel this kind of tiredness. I wish there's an end to this stupid month. Please let this month end soon.

I am emotionally drained, but I can still feel. And that what sucks the most. Being emotionally battered. I usually don't go on telling anyone (not even my closest friends) about the burdens I have, because I know that they have their own set of problems too. I just shrug it off most of the time. I sleep until it passes. However, my defense mechanisms have reached their saturation point. They don't work out anymore. And now, I feel the need to explain to everyone what I am going through. No one will fully listen, of course. That's why I am putting these shits in words, hoping that words will take away what I am feeling right now. But words are never enough.

Perhaps I should just listen to Mozart's Fur Elise now and shut up. Or grab and watch that Sister Act 2 DVD for a change. Ktnxbye.

Material Girl

October is not exactly my month.

On the first day of this month, I spent more than I could save for a phone that's not really universal. I should have given more faith in my philosophy ("Never spend on the first day of the month.") than in impulses. I should have known better than spending on the first day of a month. Now, I must suffer the consequences of going against my principle: I am broke.

Well, not exactly. I recuperated after two weeks. Thanks to my meager salary as an employee. Panic-stricken by the recent financial crash down, I planned everything ahead as I got my paycheck. I vowed not to spend on things that I don't really need. I paid the bills including my sister's Field Trip fee (yeah, I have to include that!) I promised to budget my allowance for two weeks. In short, I resurrected my savings. Only for two days.

Things got a little rough when I craved for french fries at McDonalds after I paid the bills. So I, together with my mom, headed out to the nearest Mcdo and ate a quater pounder and a cheeseburger. So much for the hungry tummies, I guess.

With my tummy full of junk food, I had the energy to roam around the mall and to do window shopping (it was the least that I can do since I intend to cut my expenses this time). Little did I know that it is not a great idea as I saw this pair of shoes.

It was love at first sight. I do not know how that happened, but yes. I fell in love with the shoes and thought I could do the tap dance with it. I think like an Irish, you know. Once upon a time, I did not understand why girls love shoes. But seeing this pair of shoes, I got the answer. In short, I bought the shoes. But my mom coaxed me into buying a gray bag to pair with my new shoes.

I can easily be convinced, that's why I ended up buying a gray bag...and a black one, too. And now I am broke. I need to save up again. Damned decision making skills. I just remembered that I still have a Batangas get-away to save up for. Now, I am screwed. So much for reading a lot of news regarding Finance and Savings. I totally banged up my savings. This is why I hate going to the malls. It is either I end up lusting over things that I do not need or I end up being broke.

Note to self: No to impulsive buying! (Now playing: Material Girl)

Forgive and Forget. It is pure bullshit.

Noodle Breakout

I had too much noodles and MSG for the night. So pardon my line of thoughts.

There are only two things that I want in life right now: Canon 1000D and Yashica FX 2.

I am so sorry for being materialistic these past days, but I really want these babies (especially the latter!) As I said before, I am torn between buying myself a new phone (need) and buying a camera (want). Apparently, Want won over Need. Talk about priorities in life. So I gave in to my inner evils. I need to see something empirical as the product of my meager salary. I need to see a product of my hard work. And it should be something that I want so that I could feel a little worth in my job.

In other news, I probably should get a passport now so that I could avail those cheap plane tickets bound somewhere beyond Philippine Area of responsibility. I should have done this when I was still in college, but I did not. Because back then, I was so blinded by the thought that I will not need a passport since I am not going anywhere but here (and that I might die if I ride a plane.) Little did I know that Real World will change my perspective. Now I want to go to Japan and Singapore (and maybe Africa) for some "anthropological" reasons. Thinking about it now, I want to punch the college version of myself for being so lazy. Good thing there's online application now.

Chasing Liberty

And so I failed.

I was supposed to inform the office manager that I am not going to continue working with the firm anymore. But then tons of work came. I forgot what I was supposed to accomplish today.

My day started with "Oh shit!" as I realized that it was already 7:30 in the morning and I have work. I stayed immobile for some 15 minutes to plan my strategy for the day. Should I drop the bomb to the manager first thing in the morning or should I wait until my paycheck is given? Should I leave my work at once or should I linger to finish my pending files? Should I do it or not? What are the pros and cons of leaving my job without any certainty about my future? That was the longest and the deepest 15 minutes of my life. Ever.

I dragged myself to work after that. The whole day was hazy for me since I was not myself and I was waiting for the right timing. All came swiftly. It all passed and went. But there are three things I can remember. First, my immediate superior started the day with, "Hoy Angeline! Madami kang rush." while I was having my coffee and small talk with two officemates. Second, the manager was cranky but he told me that I passed my first three months with flying colors. Third, I was swamped with work that I had no time to talk to the manager regarding my impending doom.

Aside from my failure to accomplish my personal task, I also failed to keep hope burning in my chest. I came to realize what a fool had I been last night. I totally busted my chance. So much for shooting for the moon, I guess.

Jack of All Trades, Master of None

I want so many things at once.

And it's not healthy anymore. I am too selfish for my own sake.

Perhaps my interviewer was right when he told me that I need to focus on my future and with what I really want with my life. I guess my resume is a solid proof that I have diverse interests ranging from Human Resource Management to Research and Writing. At first I thought it was cool, because I can be anything I want. But then, I came to realize that it was far from that. I remain to be jack of all trades, master of none

I tried to be an artist, a multimedia junkie, an educator, an anthropologist, a writer, and an employee. They all worked out for me, except for the latter part I think (refer to the previous entry). I just want to explore all my potentials and capabilities, because I want to tell my grandchildren in the future that I had been this and that. Unfortunately, companies want someone who has a direction in life. And that's not me.

I have no direction in life. I have no idea what my career will look like five to ten years from now. Mainly because I have simple needs and simple goals in life. I have not thought of buying a car, because all I need is a decent home where I can eat my mom's cuisine. I have not thought of staying in a company for more than five years, because I want to do something more humane than that. Life is too short only to be spent in a routinary job. I have not thought of any other long term goals because I only have one: to renovate our house. I mean it. I guess if I answered that to my (future) interviewers, they will never understand. Because they will expect my answer to be more work-related shit. I hate to disappoint, but yes. That's the only long term goal that I have in mind.

I have no direction in life, because I want to live life one day at a time. It's funny, because people want to do just that, but they can never understand what it means. I have no focus, because I want so many little things at once. But the thing is, I want only one big thing which people will never understand.

That is to be profound.

Red Light is All I Need

Do you really know what depression means?

Because it is something that I have been experiencing since I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I feel the need to find myself and to figure out what I really want to do with my life. I want to vanish for a while. I want to go to a place where I could totally unwind and think about my life in retrospect. I know that I do not have the liberties to do that because I have responsibilities with my family and all, but then reality is depressing me. I am an employee. And I am not growing.

There's nothing wrong with being an employee. What sucks is that my job is not something that I really want. I wake up everyday with a big question mark on my head. I wake up everyday feeling very tired and depressed. I drag myself to work because I know that it is something that I need to do for the sake of subsistence. It is just a routine. And I don't like routines. For three months, I have been doing this and that. But I am not growing anymore. I am stagnant. I am not learning because I don't like what I am doing for a living. Perhaps it has something to do with that.

Three months is a short period of time to learn, but I know it when I am not learning anymore. I know it when all I do is passive learning. It is not good. For the past eight years of my life, I do that. And it is not funny anymore. The real world is here. There's no school to house me in times of great depression, and there are no professors to blame for a failing grade. The real world is here and I am part of it. I only have myself to struggle with. I am the only one who can change my life. I am the captain of my soul, I am the master of my fate.

So tomorrow will be a make or break for me. Sure I have made friends at work, but it is time for me to decide for myself. I won't make the same mistake that I did back when I was in college. I have been playing safe all my life, that's why I am stuck in mediocrity. I wish I could make something happen tomorrow.

It is time to take the risk. It's good thing that I am depressed right now. I do stupid things when I am depressed. I just wish that hope won't die with me tomorrow.

Fast Forward

The funny thing about high school batchmates is that they never turn out to be what you expected them to be.

I was digging some old stuff from my high school days and I saw our yearbook. It was something that I haven't seen since forever, so I tried flipping through it, hoping that I would get some inspiration from what I used to be back then. Little did I know that it was the worst move I could ever muster.

I saw the page where my hideous picture was plastered. My hair was dead. It looked like a brush, a steel brush. My gums and teeth were big enough for two people. And my nose was pretty much non-existent. In short, I looked gruesome. Oh shit. I was a total loser back in high school (make that until college!) I was an invisible student. Not a geek, not a nerd, just a loser. I was (still am) socially awkward so to speak. I don't mingle much and I don't make friends (Okay, LOL for that.) So yeah, given that it was the first page that I saw, I immediately turned over to a random page.

Guess what I saw? Some high school batchmates who are currently having the time of their lives. It was funny to think of them that way, because they were far from what they used to be. Some of them were the ones who were least likely to get through the harsh claws of reality, but when I looked at them now, they actually made it with flying colors. Some of them went to Law and Medical school. Those people who did not talk much back then are the ones prospering right now. It was indeed the revenge of the nerds in the end.

Some of them definitely have a good future ahead. They are making the best of their choices and decisions, while here I am ogling on the past that I never can undo. While they get the taste of sweet life, I am stuck in a place called Mediocrity. I'd like to think of myself as late bloomer of some sort, but reality depresses me. I can't seem to get out of this phase. I am making myself believe that this is just a phase in my life. That this, too, shall pass.

I can dream, can't I?

Everything to Everyone

I always have the need to explain myself to people who do not even give a shit.

I want to be like Holden Caulfield so that I could pass off for being such a jackass most of the time. Unfortunately, I am far from being that person. I guess, I am more of Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower (I keep on typing wallpaper! Allahdammit.) I can be really dense and shithead sometimes, but I (try to) understand the people around me without even asking why. I always try to be sensitive, because I know I am far from it. I try to be patient, because I am not. I try to be objective, because I am an emotional person. I try to be a team player, because I prefer working alone (and am efficient that way.) I try to be mellow, because I can get pretty aggressive. I try to listen a lot, because my attention span is really screwed up. I try to be kind, because I am mean. I always try. I always try to be someone better so that I could make up for my weak points. And it is not easy.

It is never easy to be the understanding one. Who says so? Everyone expects me to be cool and apathetic at all times. That is just sad. Because whenever I become insensitive, impatient, emotional, anti-social, and aggressive, people fail to acknowledge the simple truth that I also have my shortcomings like everyone else. It happens all the time. All the time. It is as if I have "Doormat" written on my forehead.

I cannot always be everything to everyone. I wish I could say that to some Neanderthals (oh yes, they still exist!) But then, I am a victim of the label that I put on my humanity: Wallflower.

It was all yellow

I am feeling kind of blue.

This is one of those days when I just want to lie down and drown myself with sad songs and melodies that don't really mean a thing. I keep on regressing and reminiscing the past--the only thing that I could never get back. There is no pain. None at all. There's just a hallow feeling in me.

I keep on going back and reviewing my life years ago. What have I done? What mistakes have I committed? What stupid decisions have I made? What have I missed? It is too much for me. It is sad, but it does not hurt. It is just sad to think that they were nothing but memories. Memories that will make my existence a lot more meaningful. But soon they will fade just like me.

I go on thinking. I could ramble on and on, but I would not make sense anymore. There's just too much in nothingness. There's just too much in one emotion. And it's too much for one heart.

Burning the Bridges

Sitting, waiting, wishing...

I could use some good introductions right now like "I wish I could write like Edgar Allan Poe..." or "How does it feel to be always waiting for something that will never come?" or "Some stars are meant to fall and never to regain its twinkle," but I know I could not sustain that. I would be bastardizing a good start with a nonsensical follow ups. So better not to use any of them.

I am thinking of something witty or interesting to write about. I have thought of writing my obituary, but that's just so typical. I have thought of ranting about how my life sucks right now, but that's so whiny. I have thought of weaving words for my suicide note, but that's pathetic. I have thought of listing down what I did today (which is not interesting at all), but that's very lame. So, I decided on writing about nothing and something at the same time. What could that be?

Superman is Gay. This has been a theory since time immemorial. I have heard a lot of accounts regarding Superman's gender. There are a lot of debates going on the virtual world, but nothing beats the joke that I have heard from Infidel today (I guess, that's because it was the first time that I have heard of this joke!) It goes something like this (but not quite). There were some text missing, but get the point? That must have been the start of his "gayness." LOLJK. I also found a discussion on his gender over the internet. A serious discussion, dude. You can check it out here. Oh, pop culture! What the heck. I need Foucault or whoever gender theorists are available.

Blue streak. Ever heard of the expression talk a blue streak? Well, I haven't until Infidel told me about it. It means to say a lot very fast, to talk very much and very rapidly, in short--to blabber. But! It also means something other than its figurative meaning. Apparently, it is the term used to label the act of igniting one's fart. I kid you not. You can check this and that for further proof that one's fart is combustible. I also Googled on the matter (fart is the subject, my friend) and found an interesting link that can provide anyone a better understanding on fart. And yes, while I am writing this I am slashing my throat using a bread knife. Writing about fart is close to abomination and social suicide.

Dongca's Birthday!

Ber Months. I am never a fan of months with -ber on its end, because that only means one thing: Christmas. Though I am lusting for a long Holiday, I am not looking forward to Christmas for reasons I stated before. I am slowly turning into a Grinch. I have to endure the (repetitive) Christmas songs again. Oh. NO.

Want vs Need. My ultimate dilemma. Right now, I am contemplating on choosing which to acquire: a cellphone or a camera. I really want to have a Blackberry for a phone, but that's just not me. I mean, 2mp and not much of a mp3 player. So I think I will settle for Sony Ericsson Aino. As for the camera, well... That's different. I am lusting for Yashica FX-2 ever since I held it with my hands, but it is not practical to use film right now (unless I am a professional photographer.) So I (will) concede to Sir Abe's piece of advice: Go Digital. But then, I am having a hard time choosing which of the two (cellphone and camera) I will get. I can only have one! It is hard to choose.

This and That. November and December will be the death of me. I need to decide before November 11, 2010!!! Why is it hard to decide? Tell meeeee! WHY?

Oh shit. It's past 12am already! I failed to post this on the first day of September. Crap.

Old Songs and New Hopes

I stayed up until 3am this day, so that pretty much explains why I have two entries on the same date. I woke up at 11:15am (way too early for a Saturday morning!) I got hold of Sherlock Holmes beside me and started reading for I was too lazy move. I read some sentences until my mind drifted away from the book.

A sudden realization dawned on me. I am not a novelist in the making. I am an essayist (or much more like it than a novelist.) I wondered for some minutes to ponder upon that realization. It was indeed one of my golden moments--knowing, realizing, and understanding. So yeah. That was just about it. And I got back to reading.

Before long, I found myself being flooded with sceneries of London 1880s. It was until my phone rang that reality swallowed me again. So I answered it, talked to my mom and ended the conversation after sometime. After that, I decided to open the computer and Zenki. I gave up on Sherlock Holmes and decided that I will just watch some good movies. But then, the internet was so enticing I could not control myself from binge blogging.

That's why I am writing this. Right now, I am listening to Betterman by Pearl Jam, while Zenki is playing The Series of Unfortunate Events (the movie!) I wanted to write about how old songs make me feel good and hope for some more, but this entry is too boring.

I HATE NOISY HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS!!! I cannot concentrate on the things that I am about to do.

Nowhere Girl

I was young, naive, and stupid. I made mistakes I could never undo. I told tales of lies. I sought confirmation. I was young and I was lost. I was never part of anything. I was just a mere entity floating endlessly through the unfathomable depth of life.

So much of a dramatic introduction, I might as well drop it now.

How I spent most of my college life--broke, drunk, and elated. I miss those days when all I can think about was having fun. I miss my days as a juvenile delinquent. I hung around with my friends, cut my classes, missed my classes, and went to class a little drunk and zombie-like most of the time. I had the typical college life, so to speak. And yes, I miss my college life A LOT.

For that, I hold truism in the saying that, "There's a time for everything. It is called college." I do not know who said that, but whoever s/he is CHEERS!

Wet Socks. Dried feet.

I am not going to write about the recent hostage taking in Quirino. No, not at all. I am not going to blabber about it for the following reasons:

• Terror and stupidity are two words that I am not fond of.
• I cannot see the reason why it took the policemen more than 12 hours to take down the hostage taker.
• The policemen are (or should it be past tense?) stupid. And maybe that's the reason why it took (many of) them an awful lot of time to end that terrifying event.
• Some people are really sick, so there's no point in arguing (or even negotiating) with them. We cannot reason with depression/nervous breakdown.
• I cannot think of any reasons I would have to write something about it. Really.

So, anyhow... I already received my much-awaited package from a friend. Actually, I haven't seen the mail yet, but I made my mom recite to me the contents of the mail (since she was the one who personally received it). I am sorry I could not take a picture of its contents (but maybe soon I will LOLJK.) It has 10 DVDs in it. Most of the DVDs are award-winning movies of old time, and some are really hard to find like the Motown Chronicle. So yeah. Guess who's excited to see the package? Who's excited? Who's excited? Who's friggin' excited? 'Tis I! 'Tis I! Yey! More DVDs meant Busy and Productive Days Ahead.

On the side note, I think I deserve a guitar, a new pair of slippers (because Hachi made my pair of slippers as his teether), a copy of The Catcher in the Rye (or Mythology!), and a whole family size of Bacon Cheeseburger Supreme Sausage Pops from PizzaHut for doing a good job at being stuck in reverse.

I hope I don't get sick tomorrow or any other day. I hope I don't get sick. Period. I am feeling a little fuzzy now. I am starting to sniff like hell. And my body is starting to ache now. Oh no.

And oh yes! I had wet socks, but dried feet. I am thinking of making that as an idiom, but I still don't know what it means. I will go and figure that out.

Streetlights. Headlights. Stoplights.

I was inside a matchbox. I was rather big for the box, but for some weird reasons, I was inside it. I supposed that was my world. It was brightly lighted by a neon yellow streetlight. All I could see were things beyond my comprehension.

I saw flying Siopao. Lots of them. They have small wings like those in Mirmo de Pon. Their wings have neon pink and neon orange streaks on them. They have no lips, but they smiled at me. They have no eyes, but they glanced at me. They have no ears, but they heard me when I murmured to myself, "Siopao cannot fly. It shouldn't be."

I saw swimming books. Different kinds of them. Some of them were To Kill a Mockingbird, The Awakening, Sherlock Holmes Volume II, All the King's Men. Pride and Prejudice and In his own write. They were swimming in a pond of strawberry jam. They were swimming aimlessly. Then, I saw All The King's Men waved its cover on me. It was a horrible moment for me. As he waved his right cover, it dissolved in thin air colored emerald pink (if there was such a color!). Then, his left cover attempted another greetings, but it got soaked by a gush of peanut butter. His pages drowned in the depth of that strawberry jam.

I saw running numbers. They were bumping into each other. With each bump, a new combination began to exist. Like that of 6 and 9. They was the third to the best numbers product ever when 69 made it to the "Ten Most Famous Numbers of the Year." It was a puzzling sight. All the numbers were running like mad with their attachable/detachable legs.

I could not make sense of my world. It was colorful and bizarre at the same time. No wonder my life had been in static nowadays.

PS

I have no idea why I wrote this while in the office.