Clean Slate

Hoping against hope.

The perfect phrase to describe my emotion right now. In a matter of 24 hours, I will be jobless. I am actually scared of joining the bum force. Mainly because I don't want to be broke again.

So okay. I have been thinking most of the day about my decision. I know for a fact that my current job experience will have no bearing on the field that I want to enter. I want Research and Writing. Period. And this is far from being a Researcher/Writer. It's the main point that I have been telling myself for the whole day just to make myself feel less afraid of being broke for the coming months. Other than that, I have nothing else to say.

Apparently, I am still not decided. I can still feel a flickering hesitation in my chest. Is this the best decision I can come up with right now? Do I still have any other options? And yes, that's just me making myself a lot confused that before. I am not decided yet, but every time I think about my deteriorating health and state of mind, I just feel tired and depressed. And that's not healthy. So by stating this, I think I will take the path less traveled tomorrow. I have thought about this for the whole day while reading Albert Einstein Biography. Enough said.

I just hope that whatever happens, I won't regret it for the rest of my life.

In which case, I shall drop some verses from the Bible:

"Therefore do not worry, saying, ; What will we eat?' or 'What will we wear? For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ( Matthew 6:31-33)

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: the neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!" ( Luke 12:22-24)

"So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today." (Matthew 6:34)

"And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to the span of life?" ( Luke 12:25)

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid." ( John 14:27)

They make sense to me. Therefore, I shall concede to Tintin's piece of advice: It is not as if we're not going to get a job.

PS:

I am blaming The Perks of Being a Wallflower for being this unmotivated and depressed. So to anyone who will read that book, just make sure that you like what you are doing, and that you are not some hormonal psychopath like me.

Burning the Bridges

Sitting, waiting, wishing...

I could use some good introductions right now like "I wish I could write like Edgar Allan Poe..." or "How does it feel to be always waiting for something that will never come?" or "Some stars are meant to fall and never to regain its twinkle," but I know I could not sustain that. I would be bastardizing a good start with a nonsensical follow ups. So better not to use any of them.

I am thinking of something witty or interesting to write about. I have thought of writing my obituary, but that's just so typical. I have thought of ranting about how my life sucks right now, but that's so whiny. I have thought of weaving words for my suicide note, but that's pathetic. I have thought of listing down what I did today (which is not interesting at all), but that's very lame. So, I decided on writing about nothing and something at the same time. What could that be?

Superman is Gay. This has been a theory since time immemorial. I have heard a lot of accounts regarding Superman's gender. There are a lot of debates going on the virtual world, but nothing beats the joke that I have heard from Infidel today (I guess, that's because it was the first time that I have heard of this joke!) It goes something like this (but not quite). There were some text missing, but get the point? That must have been the start of his "gayness." LOLJK. I also found a discussion on his gender over the internet. A serious discussion, dude. You can check it out here. Oh, pop culture! What the heck. I need Foucault or whoever gender theorists are available.

Blue streak. Ever heard of the expression talk a blue streak? Well, I haven't until Infidel told me about it. It means to say a lot very fast, to talk very much and very rapidly, in short--to blabber. But! It also means something other than its figurative meaning. Apparently, it is the term used to label the act of igniting one's fart. I kid you not. You can check this and that for further proof that one's fart is combustible. I also Googled on the matter (fart is the subject, my friend) and found an interesting link that can provide anyone a better understanding on fart. And yes, while I am writing this I am slashing my throat using a bread knife. Writing about fart is close to abomination and social suicide.

Dongca's Birthday!

Ber Months. I am never a fan of months with -ber on its end, because that only means one thing: Christmas. Though I am lusting for a long Holiday, I am not looking forward to Christmas for reasons I stated before. I am slowly turning into a Grinch. I have to endure the (repetitive) Christmas songs again. Oh. NO.

Want vs Need. My ultimate dilemma. Right now, I am contemplating on choosing which to acquire: a cellphone or a camera. I really want to have a Blackberry for a phone, but that's just not me. I mean, 2mp and not much of a mp3 player. So I think I will settle for Sony Ericsson Aino. As for the camera, well... That's different. I am lusting for Yashica FX-2 ever since I held it with my hands, but it is not practical to use film right now (unless I am a professional photographer.) So I (will) concede to Sir Abe's piece of advice: Go Digital. But then, I am having a hard time choosing which of the two (cellphone and camera) I will get. I can only have one! It is hard to choose.

This and That. November and December will be the death of me. I need to decide before November 11, 2010!!! Why is it hard to decide? Tell meeeee! WHY?

Oh shit. It's past 12am already! I failed to post this on the first day of September. Crap.

"High with Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"

Let's chase the words before they slip away.

Nobody reads my blog entries except from some friends (three friends to be exact). It is not always that they read it, because my compositions can get wordy and dull and because they have no time. That's just fine with me. I prefer it that way.

I write for the sake of writing, not for popularity. I write for myself. I write for the sake of my sanity. I write to exorcise the demon in me. I write to let my mind relax, because I tend to over analyze things. I write, because I am not much of a good speaker. I stutter a lot, and it is only through writing that I get my message across people. I write, because I have a problem with pronunciation, and it is only through words that I get to be sensible. I write for the betterment of myself. I write without intending to be popular. I write just because.

Writing is solitary for me. My thoughts and words are my entirety. So I like it when only few people read what I write. Perhaps you are wondering why I keep an online journal like this if I prefer few people would know what I write. It is as simple as the fact that there's nothing wrong in coping with technology and stuff. I'd like to see one day what I wrote. The old school writing (pen-and-paper) has more soul. I concede to that. But even papers and ink can get washed away by time.

However, you must not think that I have not thought of publishing my first book. Much as I like to have a fewer readers, I'd love to have my writings be published. I'd like to remain anonymous yet known to some. At least. Actually, I have taken much time to think about my first published book.

My first published book will start with "I saw Death." and will end with ""It was my death." or something like that. It will have 300 pages, but no other words will be written aside from the beginning and the end. The "middle" pages will remain blank. That's how I've thought of it. Then, it will become a movie of some sort. Its movie adaptation will be a 2-hour show with nothing but the narration of the starting sentence and the end thought. In short, my first published book will be a two-liner book. Just like that.

Or I do not know. It is still early to tell anyway.

"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing."

-Anonymous

THE STORY OF MY LIFE IN ONE SENTENCE.

Jinxed? No. Just bad luck.

Someday when my life has passed me by

I'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me

-Someday, Sugar Ray

I better find a cure to possessiveness and nostalgia. Or better yet, find a solution to my bad luck when it comes to NBI Clearance. The latter sounds a bit possible and sensible.

I had been to NBI twice (as early as a bird!!) for two consecutive days, and yet I still have empty hands. I only gained a darker shade of eye bags, lost a two-day worth of rest and me-time, and wasted money and energy for a clearance that cannot be mine.

I do not know why I have that song playing in my head while typing this. There's no connection. And this entry is probably the most senseless one of all.

GERLS 101

All that happens when your dream comes true is a slow, melting realization that it wasn't what you thought.

-For One More Day, Mitch Albom

Meet GERLS, the people who made my college days worth the two-hour travel. I could not believe that we really had separate lives now. I know that this is bound to happen anytime, but I just could not process the fact that I would not be able to see much of them this June (and in the coming months or years). For the past four years, I used to see them in June after the looong summer breaks. But not this year, which brings me to make a short (psuedo)write-up about each of these adorable people.

Dongca, The Unica Hija. If there's an acronym that would perfectly describe her, it would be: LSS. No, it is not Last Song Syndrome. Uh well. It could be, but no. Aside from the fact that music is major part of her life, it stands for Long hugs, Surprises, and Stars. She always gives people a good deal of long hugs, making them feel loved and cared. (It is from her that I get my daily dose of long hugs--a reminder that I am still human and that I need to be hugged.) She digs surprises as much as she likes to give one. (She is an expert in surprises, swear! Even in her birthdays, she is the one surprising us.) Everyday is a different day when I am with her. It is as if the heavens had bestowed upon me a one of a kind daughter. She loves stars. And in reality, she poses as a wishing star to everyone, making her love ones' dreams come true. I know she would not agree to this, but she is the star that she wishes to be.

Briege, The Black Sheep. No moments are dull for this one. She laughs at everyone's jokes as if the joke is really funny. She has sick sense of humor as she finds beauty in aliens. She is the kind of person that one will be able to drag anywhere. Be it an alcohol fest in Katipunan or a beer marathon somewhere in Manila. She can be devoid of emotions, but what lies beneath the that surface is a soft-hearted person. She can be weird sometimes, but she is a critical thinker whose only joy are Aliens, Sleeping, and Sneakers (ASS, that is unintentional really.)

Ingrid, The Hot Mama! The prettiest and the hottest girl alive! She has BBB! Beauty, Brains, and Boobs. She is a perfection in the making. She is the beauty amidst the ugliness and pollution of Taft Ave. She lights up the darkest and saddest moments by her bright personality and retard jokes. She is family-oriented and is one of the most caring persons I have known in life. She never fails in comparison (to anything!). She never fails.

Gellai, The Master. She claims to be an idealist, but her eyes are too open to reality. She is a romantic. A damsel in distress who wanted to be saved by her prince. But don't let that fool you. She may be a princess, but she can fight. She is a Spartan at heart. There's no battle that she cannot win, and no puzzle she cannot solve. If demi-gods were true, then I know that she would be Athena's child.

Zana, The Chocoholic. Do not let a single grain of sugar enter her bloodstream or else you're in for a big trouble. LOLJK. If there's someone in our group of friends who is understanding and objective, it would be Zana. She has her firm beliefs and principles in life, but she understands and accepts human flaws. She sees through everything. She is the reflective type of person. But! She is fun to be with. She may seem intimidating sometimes, but she knows where she stands and she knows when to have fun.

Bge, The Histrionic. The depth of a person cannot be measured by the make-ups that she has. Being too hooked in DSM-IV before, she diagnosed herself to have a Histrionic Personality. She can get emotional most of the time, but she is the right person to approach when one needs notes and academic advice/coaching. She knows what she wants, and she works hard for it. She may get lost along her way, but she never fails to catch up. Besides, she got the fastest legs. She sure knows how to win the race.

Chawen, Jack of All Trades. By Jack, I mean the card and by Trades, I mean the under-the-table moments. She is known for her good life techniques. She can carry herself in a way that no one would know that can curse like a man, gamble like a pro, and drink like a tambay. She can be a princess and a pauper, depending on what the occasion calls for.

Hammie, The Banker. I am torn now between The Banker and Tagalista ng Noisy. But I opt The Banker since she is half-chinese and she is rich. She is a TAN, duh. She seldom talks, and if she does, she speaks in fluent English. She may be the quietest in the group, but she is the coolest. She is sincere, and one of the few people who can make anyone comfortable in silence. She seldom talks, but she always prays.

Jemu, The Only Girl. As much as he claims himself to be a cynic, he is actually the opposite. Because beneath that big and fatty body is a fragile heart. He has a clear cut vision of reality. He remains grounded on the truths of life. He is objective and has a mind like a machine. He is a Magna Cum Laude, for Pete's sake. But what other people cannot see is that he offers more than what he can give to the people he loves (which makes his heart a lot bigger than his body).

I am ending this now. I could not think of any parting words. Perhaps I have run out of things to say. Or maybe I have forgotten them. Nostalgia can kill.

Remind me not to listen to Someday by Sugar Ray.

Old Songs Make Me Wanna

Strangers are just family you have yet come to know.

-The Five People You Meet in Heaven

People come and go. We meet a lot of people everyday. Some of them may become part of our lives, while some of them may just leave without even saying hello.

I should have accepted that reality long time ago, so that saying goodbye would not be this difficult. I know that someday I will lose some of the people I have come to love. I know that in one way or another people will have to say goodbye and other shit that will result to a broken heart (no, not in a romantic way). People, no matter how much they love and care for each other, are bound to part or to fall apart. Besides, relationships are not forever (or even for life). But I still hope that there would be something to solve that case. I still hope that there might be something to prevent falling apart and parting ways. I really do.

Curse me for being such an idealist shite but everyone looks forward to having a long term relationship, right? It is not as if one will think of ending a newly started relationship. And maybe that's the problem with me. I find it difficult to say goodbye (for real). I find it heart shattering to let a relationship go down the drainage. I have a hard time letting people (who are dear to me) go. It breaks my heart. I feel as though my chest is being crushed by a bulldozer. It depresses me. It makes me wonder why. Then, as much as I want to revive the relationship, I could not because I am too weak and too sad to even look at the person. That's the sad part. I do not have the strength to do something about it. It is just too much for one heart. But still I hope. I hope that someone else will come to replace them... Or that they will come back. Still I hope.

People come and go as they please. They move forward. They move on. But I am stuck at the same place where they left me.

It has long been my practice, in times of great joy or emotional distress, to escape into the comfort of my imagination.

-Charlotte Bronte, The Secret Diaries of Charlotte Bronte