Meet and Greet my Dad

Once upon a time, I had a dad. A real one. Let's call him Valentin.

December 16 was a usual cold day for many Ilocos Norte dwellers that lived in 1938. Second World War was looming over the horizon, but that did not prevent them from preparing for the start of Simbang Gabi, a tradition we inherited from the Spaniards. They were hoping that they would be able to complete the nine days of Simbang Gabi so that their wishes could come true. Unfortunately for Justina, a devout Catholic, she would not be able to complete it because the night before she was rushed to the nearest hospital to give birth to her fifth child--Valentin. That day, December 16, 1938, the world gave its nastiest smile on him.

Valentin grew up in a large family, which was very common at that time. He was very good in numbers, just like the rest of his family. He graduated Valedictorian in elementary. Like any of us, he had his childhood dreams: to be a CPA lawyer (unfortunately, only the CPA part came true). He had a sunny disposition in life, he believed in everything. He believed that he could do anything and that he could be anything he wanted to be. In his eyes, everything was possible. But when his father went bedridden due to stroke, the family's middle class status went down the drainage. So as his childhood dreams.

At a young age, he learned the hard way. He helped his mother in her work, so to add to their income. He worked some odd jobs just to help his family. Among the brood of six, he was the only one whose education had suffered a lot. He had to stop schooling because his older siblings were all in college and high school. He had to sacrifice his "tuition fee" so that the college students in their family could continue studying. He just resumed studying when there was extra money. Then when there won't be enough money to support his education, he would stop again. His education went on and off for some years. But he did not stop believing then. He worked harder. He studied the books of his older siblings just to catch up. At long last, he graduated in high school in 1957, three years behind his supposedly graduation.

He then ventured to Quezon City when he learned that he passed the UPCAT. He was full of positive vibes when he got to Diliman. All his dreams were slowly unfolding before him, he thought. He explored the city, hoping he could get a boarding house he could afford, there wasn't any. Instead of being Iskolar ng Bayan, he became Construction Worker ng Bayan. Instead of having diploma from the University of the Philippines Diliman, he had nothing but a piece of paper signifying that he passed the then-prestigious UPCAT. And instead of living in a decent boarding house near UP Diliman, he ended up living in an abandoned truck in Caloocan. He then moved to Malate to live with a photographer cousin. He helped his cousin in developing the pictures in return for free lodging. He held three odd jobs at the same time only to make ends meet. After sometime, he went back to Laoag with his baggage full of dirt and with his skin pitch-dark.

He continued his college education at Divine Word College of Laoag, majoring in Business Administration. This too went on and off. During the years that he stayed in DWCL, he showed exemplary academic performance. He topped most of his major subjects. He worked while studying. He was a laborer during the day, and he was a student in the evening. It was not until his third year college that he decided to go back to Manila. He thought that he would earn decent living once he was there. He left his college degree undone with a mission to give a better life to his family.

Once in Manila, he became an employee in Congress. After that, he looked for a better paying job to support his younger brother and his father's medical needs. He then applied as a staffer in an oil company, then made his way up to being a manager. Life was indeed smiling upon him at last. Years came by; he decided that he was not growing as an individual in his current managerial post.

In 1969, he ditched his managerial job and started working in BIR as an inspector. After a couple of years, he decided to continue his degree. He enrolled at Philippine School of Business Administration to finish what he started out. Like before, he studied while he worked. He obtained his degree in 1975. Though not with Latin Honors to tag along with his name, it could be assumed that he graduated with high grades. In 1977, he made his fulfilled the first step to being a CPA Lawyer. He passed the board exams, and became a Certified Public Accountant. This gave him a high position in BIR. It was the start of Valentin Bareng-Santos' time so to speak.

He was indeed a hard working man. He loved his family more than he loved himself. Though he spelled success in his career, his married life was close to being dysfunctional. He had three wives. The first one he had annulled. The second one died from cancer. And the third one he had died on. He was known for being cool with women. He was Mr. Suave personified. Despite that, he was a good provider and a good father to his children. He never forgot their birthdays (for those he knew). And he never forgot to have quality time with his family.

However, good things must come to an end. On September 9, 1997, he was diagnosed with Liver Cirrhosis (which later became cancer of the liver) due to his excessive alcohol intake and failed health-seeking behavior. That day, the optimist in Valentin Bareng-Santos died. He got depressed. He could not accept the fact that he was not invincible, that like everybody else he could acquire such disease. He was in denial. He sulked and drunk even more. He felt alone. And he did not know what else to do. His family supported him in every way possible. After some time, he went to a support group (a group of people with disease like him). But he found it difficult to accept his situation. The disease was slowly eating him. Cancer cells already hit his lungs. He was at the point of no return.

Exactly 600 hours and 10 minutes after my eight birthday, he died. But all I know is that once upon a time, he existed.

Fast Forward

The funny thing about high school batchmates is that they never turn out to be what you expected them to be.

I was digging some old stuff from my high school days and I saw our yearbook. It was something that I haven't seen since forever, so I tried flipping through it, hoping that I would get some inspiration from what I used to be back then. Little did I know that it was the worst move I could ever muster.

I saw the page where my hideous picture was plastered. My hair was dead. It looked like a brush, a steel brush. My gums and teeth were big enough for two people. And my nose was pretty much non-existent. In short, I looked gruesome. Oh shit. I was a total loser back in high school (make that until college!) I was an invisible student. Not a geek, not a nerd, just a loser. I was (still am) socially awkward so to speak. I don't mingle much and I don't make friends (Okay, LOL for that.) So yeah, given that it was the first page that I saw, I immediately turned over to a random page.

Guess what I saw? Some high school batchmates who are currently having the time of their lives. It was funny to think of them that way, because they were far from what they used to be. Some of them were the ones who were least likely to get through the harsh claws of reality, but when I looked at them now, they actually made it with flying colors. Some of them went to Law and Medical school. Those people who did not talk much back then are the ones prospering right now. It was indeed the revenge of the nerds in the end.

Some of them definitely have a good future ahead. They are making the best of their choices and decisions, while here I am ogling on the past that I never can undo. While they get the taste of sweet life, I am stuck in a place called Mediocrity. I'd like to think of myself as late bloomer of some sort, but reality depresses me. I can't seem to get out of this phase. I am making myself believe that this is just a phase in my life. That this, too, shall pass.

I can dream, can't I?

It was all yellow

I am feeling kind of blue.

This is one of those days when I just want to lie down and drown myself with sad songs and melodies that don't really mean a thing. I keep on regressing and reminiscing the past--the only thing that I could never get back. There is no pain. None at all. There's just a hallow feeling in me.

I keep on going back and reviewing my life years ago. What have I done? What mistakes have I committed? What stupid decisions have I made? What have I missed? It is too much for me. It is sad, but it does not hurt. It is just sad to think that they were nothing but memories. Memories that will make my existence a lot more meaningful. But soon they will fade just like me.

I go on thinking. I could ramble on and on, but I would not make sense anymore. There's just too much in nothingness. There's just too much in one emotion. And it's too much for one heart.

Nowhere Girl

I was young, naive, and stupid. I made mistakes I could never undo. I told tales of lies. I sought confirmation. I was young and I was lost. I was never part of anything. I was just a mere entity floating endlessly through the unfathomable depth of life.

So much of a dramatic introduction, I might as well drop it now.

How I spent most of my college life--broke, drunk, and elated. I miss those days when all I can think about was having fun. I miss my days as a juvenile delinquent. I hung around with my friends, cut my classes, missed my classes, and went to class a little drunk and zombie-like most of the time. I had the typical college life, so to speak. And yes, I miss my college life A LOT.

For that, I hold truism in the saying that, "There's a time for everything. It is called college." I do not know who said that, but whoever s/he is CHEERS!

GERLS 101

All that happens when your dream comes true is a slow, melting realization that it wasn't what you thought.

-For One More Day, Mitch Albom

Meet GERLS, the people who made my college days worth the two-hour travel. I could not believe that we really had separate lives now. I know that this is bound to happen anytime, but I just could not process the fact that I would not be able to see much of them this June (and in the coming months or years). For the past four years, I used to see them in June after the looong summer breaks. But not this year, which brings me to make a short (psuedo)write-up about each of these adorable people.

Dongca, The Unica Hija. If there's an acronym that would perfectly describe her, it would be: LSS. No, it is not Last Song Syndrome. Uh well. It could be, but no. Aside from the fact that music is major part of her life, it stands for Long hugs, Surprises, and Stars. She always gives people a good deal of long hugs, making them feel loved and cared. (It is from her that I get my daily dose of long hugs--a reminder that I am still human and that I need to be hugged.) She digs surprises as much as she likes to give one. (She is an expert in surprises, swear! Even in her birthdays, she is the one surprising us.) Everyday is a different day when I am with her. It is as if the heavens had bestowed upon me a one of a kind daughter. She loves stars. And in reality, she poses as a wishing star to everyone, making her love ones' dreams come true. I know she would not agree to this, but she is the star that she wishes to be.

Briege, The Black Sheep. No moments are dull for this one. She laughs at everyone's jokes as if the joke is really funny. She has sick sense of humor as she finds beauty in aliens. She is the kind of person that one will be able to drag anywhere. Be it an alcohol fest in Katipunan or a beer marathon somewhere in Manila. She can be devoid of emotions, but what lies beneath the that surface is a soft-hearted person. She can be weird sometimes, but she is a critical thinker whose only joy are Aliens, Sleeping, and Sneakers (ASS, that is unintentional really.)

Ingrid, The Hot Mama! The prettiest and the hottest girl alive! She has BBB! Beauty, Brains, and Boobs. She is a perfection in the making. She is the beauty amidst the ugliness and pollution of Taft Ave. She lights up the darkest and saddest moments by her bright personality and retard jokes. She is family-oriented and is one of the most caring persons I have known in life. She never fails in comparison (to anything!). She never fails.

Gellai, The Master. She claims to be an idealist, but her eyes are too open to reality. She is a romantic. A damsel in distress who wanted to be saved by her prince. But don't let that fool you. She may be a princess, but she can fight. She is a Spartan at heart. There's no battle that she cannot win, and no puzzle she cannot solve. If demi-gods were true, then I know that she would be Athena's child.

Zana, The Chocoholic. Do not let a single grain of sugar enter her bloodstream or else you're in for a big trouble. LOLJK. If there's someone in our group of friends who is understanding and objective, it would be Zana. She has her firm beliefs and principles in life, but she understands and accepts human flaws. She sees through everything. She is the reflective type of person. But! She is fun to be with. She may seem intimidating sometimes, but she knows where she stands and she knows when to have fun.

Bge, The Histrionic. The depth of a person cannot be measured by the make-ups that she has. Being too hooked in DSM-IV before, she diagnosed herself to have a Histrionic Personality. She can get emotional most of the time, but she is the right person to approach when one needs notes and academic advice/coaching. She knows what she wants, and she works hard for it. She may get lost along her way, but she never fails to catch up. Besides, she got the fastest legs. She sure knows how to win the race.

Chawen, Jack of All Trades. By Jack, I mean the card and by Trades, I mean the under-the-table moments. She is known for her good life techniques. She can carry herself in a way that no one would know that can curse like a man, gamble like a pro, and drink like a tambay. She can be a princess and a pauper, depending on what the occasion calls for.

Hammie, The Banker. I am torn now between The Banker and Tagalista ng Noisy. But I opt The Banker since she is half-chinese and she is rich. She is a TAN, duh. She seldom talks, and if she does, she speaks in fluent English. She may be the quietest in the group, but she is the coolest. She is sincere, and one of the few people who can make anyone comfortable in silence. She seldom talks, but she always prays.

Jemu, The Only Girl. As much as he claims himself to be a cynic, he is actually the opposite. Because beneath that big and fatty body is a fragile heart. He has a clear cut vision of reality. He remains grounded on the truths of life. He is objective and has a mind like a machine. He is a Magna Cum Laude, for Pete's sake. But what other people cannot see is that he offers more than what he can give to the people he loves (which makes his heart a lot bigger than his body).

I am ending this now. I could not think of any parting words. Perhaps I have run out of things to say. Or maybe I have forgotten them. Nostalgia can kill.

Remind me not to listen to Someday by Sugar Ray.

Old Songs Make Me Wanna

Strangers are just family you have yet come to know.

-The Five People You Meet in Heaven

People come and go. We meet a lot of people everyday. Some of them may become part of our lives, while some of them may just leave without even saying hello.

I should have accepted that reality long time ago, so that saying goodbye would not be this difficult. I know that someday I will lose some of the people I have come to love. I know that in one way or another people will have to say goodbye and other shit that will result to a broken heart (no, not in a romantic way). People, no matter how much they love and care for each other, are bound to part or to fall apart. Besides, relationships are not forever (or even for life). But I still hope that there would be something to solve that case. I still hope that there might be something to prevent falling apart and parting ways. I really do.

Curse me for being such an idealist shite but everyone looks forward to having a long term relationship, right? It is not as if one will think of ending a newly started relationship. And maybe that's the problem with me. I find it difficult to say goodbye (for real). I find it heart shattering to let a relationship go down the drainage. I have a hard time letting people (who are dear to me) go. It breaks my heart. I feel as though my chest is being crushed by a bulldozer. It depresses me. It makes me wonder why. Then, as much as I want to revive the relationship, I could not because I am too weak and too sad to even look at the person. That's the sad part. I do not have the strength to do something about it. It is just too much for one heart. But still I hope. I hope that someone else will come to replace them... Or that they will come back. Still I hope.

People come and go as they please. They move forward. They move on. But I am stuck at the same place where they left me.

What happens when it rains?

The day started out early for me today.

I was awaken by the sudden gash of wind touching my feet and by the sound of heavy raindrops on our roof. I smiled, it was raining at last. After long days of dessert-like heat, it was raining. I got up, and did the "morning routine."

I got my book. I have been putting it aside for the past weeks, but now that the weather was good for reading, I won't neglect my literary duties. I sat on my favorite yellow chair near the window and opened the book on page 257. I started reading, but it was not long after I finished page 258 that I found myself looking out the window. I watched the raindrops, they did not mean anything, but they triggered something in me: nostalgia. I let my mind wander to a place I so long to see again.

It was a rainy day, 17th of June, 2006. It was the first day of my college years. I was an awkward 16 year old girl then (and still an awkward person now). I can still remember what I felt then: a mixture of excitement, fear, and hope. The usual feeling of any freshman students. I remember how silent I was that time. I did not commit much to any conversations then. I was like a monosyllabic robot consumed by awe and anxiety. I could not remember the details that happened that day. But there was one thing that I remembered well. I asked myself, "Will I be able to graduate on time?" I had only one goal then: to graduate on time (and just move on).

Looking back, I had not known better. I was innocent and ignorant. Oh how I wish to go back to college days and just waste my youth with vices. Everything was simple. Just like high school without the drama and shit.

I was taken back to reality when the rain touched my face. All was just a memory of yesterday. Oh how I wish.