Going Solo

Day 1: Your current relationship status, if single discuss how single life is

Relationship Status: Single and Steady

Single Life in bullets

• Beer with Friends
• Books
• Coffee
• More time for impulsive decisions
• Deductive Reasoning
• Sleep (repeat ad infinitum)
• Me Time

Should I really discuss it? I like being single. Period.

Since I like tweeting about Challenge for the Day shit, I am doing the 30-day Challenge. For the lack of any creative juices in my brain. Don't judge me. Or whatever.

Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 04 - Your views on religion.
Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.
Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like.
Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss.
Day 11 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 - Bullet your whole day.
Day 13 - Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14 - Your earliest memory.
Day 15 - Your favorite tumblrs.
Day 16 - Your views on mainstream music.
Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year.
Day 18 - Your beliefs.
Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents.
Day 20 - How important you think education is.
Day 21 - One of your favorite shows.
Day 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23 - Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24 - Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
Day 25 - Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26 - What kind of person attracts you.
Day 27 - A problem that you have had.
Day 28 - Something that you miss.
Day 29 - Goals for the next 30 days.
Day 30 - Your highs and lows of this month.

When should I start? Later.

Edge of my Seat

Only few people are worth the effort, the time, and the shenanigans.

Sadly enough, you are not one of them. You never asked me if I am okay. You never did that, because you never really cared about me or about anyone. You never talked to me when you're okay and sober. You just talked to me whenever you have a fucking problem or whenever you needed someone who would listen to your crap. You saw me as someone who will listen to you whenever you want to rant. You only saw me as a wallflower, always ready to understand you, always ready to drop anything at your beck. You never saw me as an equal, because nobody can ever be your equal. Besides who I am to you anyway? I am just some dirtbag you can toss around whenever you are back to your fucking happy ways.

I was a friend to you, but you never were a friend to me. You never listened to me. It was always You because you are the center of the world. You never asked me, "What's wrong?" when I was deliberately telling you that I am fucking depressed. You did not even bother to pat my back, dude. Instead you asked me a far-fetched question directing to your greatness. You never cared that I was fucking my head with a steel bar just so I could get along with your mood swings. You did not even consider that I have a life and problems to deal with, that it was too much for me to do your stuff. I cannot fucking take it anymore

And you know what's the saddest part of it all? It is the fact that I allowed you to do that to me. At some point, I had my faults. I had been a doormat (because that's what I really am). But I can only take so much. I can never be that person anymore. I am tired of always having to consider your feelings before mine, of having to think about your opinions before I express mine, of having to put your needs before mine, and of having to be your shadow everytime. I am sick of it. I'm done with your selfishness and self-serving bias.

You weren't there when I was having a bout with depression. You weren't there when I can't feel my feet. You weren't there when I ate a pack of Cream-O in one sitting. You weren't there when I was thinking of dropping my major. You weren't there when my tummy went crazy. You weren't there when I had my heart broken. Maybe you cannot even understand the story behind these things, because you weren't there. You were simply not there for me.

Perhaps you will never understand me, but I don't care anymore. You can shit all you want, but you cannot move me. Not anymore.

I am the Walrus

I am in a limbo.

I am in a limbo, a world where I can do anything I want without any prejudice. I am in a world where everything is calm. Time does not matter here. Nothing is impossible. Everything can happen if I want to. I am the Lord of the Sea, the God of the Sky, the Emperor of Hell. I am everything. In this world, I can be whoever I want to be. I can do whatever I want to do. No restrictions. No holds barred.

I am infinite. I am part of everything, and everything is part of me. I am part of a whole, and the whole is a part of me. In this kind of world that I created, there is no judgment. No concept of right and wrong, moral and immoral, good or bad. There is just humanity. There is just freedom without responsibility. It is freedom in its purest and truest sense. I am free, truly free. I am part of everything, but I am free.

I am the Walrus. I am free. There is no law. No prejudice. No rules to bind me to majority of the human population. I am just me, naked from all the social norms and social responsibilities. Nothing matters, and nothing means anything. I am a floating entity, lost in transition.

Nothingness confuses the mind, emptiness tears the soul. But still, I stay in this kind of world.

Killing the Buzz

Wake me up when October ends.

October 2010 is being a bitch on me. I started it with a bang, and will probably end it with another bang. This month is the worst I've ever had in my entire 20 years of existence. It already topped my March 2008 shit load. I had the roughest weeks this month, and will have another (and hopefully, the last!) screwed up and tiring week whether in the work place or at home.

So far, October is not getting any better for me. The hate fest still continues. And there's this kind of "Revolution" that I am going through. Not that it matters to anyone, but I am pretty fed up with my life. Sounds like teenage shit all over again, right? I know it's immature, but right now, I just feel like that. Maybe it has something to do with my crappy internet connection that keeps on letting me down for the past few days. To think that I am paying the priciest plan there is. So much for "good" advertising, I guess. I just feel tired in general. And I am too young to feel this kind of tiredness. I wish there's an end to this stupid month. Please let this month end soon.

I am emotionally drained, but I can still feel. And that what sucks the most. Being emotionally battered. I usually don't go on telling anyone (not even my closest friends) about the burdens I have, because I know that they have their own set of problems too. I just shrug it off most of the time. I sleep until it passes. However, my defense mechanisms have reached their saturation point. They don't work out anymore. And now, I feel the need to explain to everyone what I am going through. No one will fully listen, of course. That's why I am putting these shits in words, hoping that words will take away what I am feeling right now. But words are never enough.

Perhaps I should just listen to Mozart's Fur Elise now and shut up. Or grab and watch that Sister Act 2 DVD for a change. Ktnxbye.

Insensitivity and Fear

I am afraid of Death.

Who wouldn't be? I am afraid of Death, because I do not know what lies ahead. And not knowing is hard. I fear Death not because I want to live a longer life, but because Death is something terrible. It is not dark as others would like to portray it. It is not dark, but it is awful. No matter how peaceful someone's death is, it is still terrifying. I fear Death because it the defining moment between Eternity and Life. It is a make-or-break moment, at least for me. I fear Death, but I always see it happening it.

Everyday I see my Death. I see myself lying lifeless on the floor with blood dripping from my head. I see myself being crashed by a ten-wheeler truck while crossing South Super Hi-way. I see myself being rushed to the hospital due to a fatal disease. I see myself being dead-on-the-spot in a vehicular accident. I see myself dying a horrible and gruesome death. I always see these images. Always. It is not normal. Or is it? I do not know. But all I know is that I am that afraid.

People might not understand this, but to tell you the truth, I do not like riding a motorcycle, a car, a boat, and a plane. I find it difficult to look at a car or a motorcycle in a normal way (since dying in a sinking boat or crashing plane is something normal.) I mean, I always associate these to death, so pardon me when I say no to a free ride. That is my way of preventing my premature death.

It is normal to fear Death, I think. But what isn't normal is to make fun of someone who says "What I am concerned with is the possibility of a plane crash if I go with you." and to think ill of that someone afterwards because you are one of the people who will go to somewhere someday. (I am sorry for ranting out of the blue. I am that someone, by the way.) You (whoever you are) must not think of what I said the bad way (well, what's new? You always expect and think the worst out of the people around you, anyway.) I already apologized. It is my fault to speak out my worst fear, but you cannot blame me if I am afraid of dying. I do not wish you a bad flight or something. I am just stating my worry without intending to instill fear to any of you. That was insensitivity on my part. Pardon me. But I am afraid of dying.

10 Things I Learned in Job Hunting

The following are the things that I learned in the Job Hunting 101 Fieldwork AKA Pre-employment exam/Interview.

Know the company profile. Before you confirm your attendance to the company's invitation, know the company first. Even though you are up only for an exam, it is always a must the you know something about the company. Because most of the time, their company profile is related to the exam you will be having. And in the interview they will also ask you about what you know about the company. So be prepared.

Know what you are signing up for. Most fresh graduates have the tendency to apply and apply and apply (repeat till fade) without knowing and understanding first the job description. (Though most of the time, the companies do not really give a comprehensive job description so fresh graduates are not to be blamed all the way.) It is a requirement to know what position you are applying. Know if you are qualified, not qualified, or overqualified to the position before you send out your resume, so that in the interview you'll not be shocked to know that you applied for a job that you do not want.

Be on-time. Duh! This should not be included here! It is a requirement that you are at the venue 10 to 15 minutes earlier than your schedule. (This is more of a note to myself, don't worry. So don't mind this.) Be also aware of the company's concept of time. If you are scheduled for an interview at 2pm, and yet the interviewer is still having lunch break until 3pm, then you should start thinking if this company is worth your time. I have this kind of experience. I think, no one should be kept waiting for more than 30 minutes because the employer is still having a break (any invalid/unprofessional excuse).

Be fashionable. In an acceptable way. Know the right trend for the right occasion. Avoid wearing printed tops mixed with printed bottoms. And please! Avoid the floral print. I know how it is a trend nowadays, but come on. This is not a summer get-away. Also, wear decent skirts. This is not just-another-day-in-school thing.

Be dignified. Appearance is the first thing people see in us. Let's admit it, most of the time we judge the people around us based on how they look and how they dress. In looking for a job, it is a must that the applicant should dress up accordingly and appropriately. It is also a must that the applicant gives justice, dignity and angst to what s/he wears. It is not enough that the applicant has a good pair of corporate attire. I have seen some applicants who wear super suits, but they do not look like dignified at all.

Be smart. When the employer asks you something, be smart in answering. It is not enough that the you have good academic records. Most of the times, the way you bring yourself has more points than what is written on your curriculum vitae. Carry yourself in a manner that will give the employers an image of someone who is not only intelligent, but also street smart. Don't be too timid and shy, because that won't bring you anywhere. But don't be too assertive as well. You don't want to make a bad impression, right?

Be prepared. Always bring an extra copy of your curriculum vitae, even though you are in for the pre-employment exam. It comes very handy most of the time, believe me. And please, know/remember what position you are applying for.

Bring extra everything. Extra pen, extra clothes, extra shoes... Extra everything. BUT! Do not get bring too much of everything. The essentials I have in my bag are a pair of clothes and flat shoes. Usually, I change my outfit after the pre-employment exam or job interview. I am just not comfortable enough in projecting my corporate image. (Changing outfit is optional).

Don't bring your parents with you. Seriously? It is not a PTA meeting.

Bring your brains. Okay, enough said.

Keep it coming!

The ordeal was done! More to come, I guess (?).

I had the exam. Only this: It is indeed a learning experience. I was right with my predictions (Badjual's predictions!!). The exam was not the usual Global Reasoning Type of Exam. It was more on Economics.

The exam was divided into four parts: Economic Issues, Foreign Countries, Law, and Why part. Essay type (the type of exam I would have loved if I were still in college). When the I had an overview of the exam, I (sarcastically) smiled to myself and made a silent oath. I knew right there and then that I would not be able to pass the exam. It was perfectly tailored for graduates of economics. But still, I tried. There's no harm and trying, I told myself.

In short, I was able to answer basic questions in each part (and I don't know if my answers are right, but I tried my best to stick to the core values of economics: supply and demand and market). In the first part (economic issues), I left two questions unanswered simply because I did not know the answer. What is the difference among mutual fund, a bond, and a share fund? My high school memories of Economics failed me. I did not get that part stored in my long-term memory. And the other question involved a 10% deficit in GDP. In the second part (Foreign countries) I was only able to answer two out of the three questions asked. The question I was not able to answer has something to do with OCEP (which I don't have a single idea what it is). As for the Law part, I did not answer it at all. I told myself, why would I try to give some bullshit answers to the questions I have no idea about? I'd rather not answer the questions than give a bullshit answer. It is not an academic exam in the first place. There'll be no points for effort. As for the finale, the Why part. To this I admit that I have given my best shot. Why would you want to work for (insert name of company here)? This is what I wrote: Though my knowledge of economics is at the basic level, my passion and interest in the field of research and economic trends and issues will make up for the lack of deep technical knowledge of Economics. I believe that (insert the name of the company here) will provide a venue for me to hone my research and writing skills.

I know, it sucks but at least I tried.

So there, when I already accepted the fact that I won't be able to get close to passing the exam, I volunteered for an experiment they are conducting (since I need to do something good aka make pabibo LOL). After the experiment and a series of questions, I was up to go home. But the founder asked me: So where did you get your Economics degree? To which I have replied honestly, I do not have an Economics degree, Sir. Actually, I am a graduate of Behavioral Sciences. He seemed puzzled, Then you must have had a hard time answering the exam?. I smiled, When it comes to the technical questions, I did, Sir.

The conversation continued until he learned that I had units of Economic Anthropology back in college (which is the closest subject I have to Economics). He got interested and said that he studied some subjects in Anthropology as well. He asked me what written works I have read in relation to Economics and Economic Anthropology. And I could only thank my photographic memory for this. I told him Malinowski, Polanyi, Adam Smith, and Marx (I was not even sure of Karl Marx then).

What is the relevance of this conversation in the whole aspect of my failed exam and non-Economics degree? At the end of the conversation, the founder told: I think we (may) have a position for you in the Yields Team. How'd you find that? Before I could get what he meant, he told his only employee present, You think it's boring for her? To which he answered, Not at all.

I am still not getting it. Did they just offer me a position? I don't want to get my hopes high, but that's just what I heard.

Major WHUT.

So I have an exam tomorrow at 9am for the Associate Economics Researcher position.

When I sent my application via email, I thought that the HR of that company will not even look at my resume and sample works. Surprisingly, I received an email, telling me that they scheduled me for an exam. Shiz. I thought for a second: Should I pursue this? Economics?! WTH. Bahala na! I have no idea what kind of exam I will have tomorrow. Is it the usual Global Reasoning Test or is it something related to Economics? If it is the first one, then I have no problem. It'll be UPCAT all over again. If it is the latter, then that's where my major problem lies.

I am not an Economics graduate. My knowledge of Economics only includes the law of supply and demand, and Adam Smith's Laissez-Faire. That's all. I know little about jargons in Economics. And the only hard core economics unit that I had in the university was Economic Anthropology, which I enjoyed a lot (but gradually forgot about). I am not an expert, so to speak. But I have an interest in this field. Crap. How can I compete to those who have a degree in Economics or Business Econ?

What to do now? I don't want to fail in comparison to the other candidates... I guess I have no other choice but to study Economics now? Or I might as well rely on my fourth year high school memories of Economics.