Clean Slate

Hoping against hope.

The perfect phrase to describe my emotion right now. In a matter of 24 hours, I will be jobless. I am actually scared of joining the bum force. Mainly because I don't want to be broke again.

So okay. I have been thinking most of the day about my decision. I know for a fact that my current job experience will have no bearing on the field that I want to enter. I want Research and Writing. Period. And this is far from being a Researcher/Writer. It's the main point that I have been telling myself for the whole day just to make myself feel less afraid of being broke for the coming months. Other than that, I have nothing else to say.

Apparently, I am still not decided. I can still feel a flickering hesitation in my chest. Is this the best decision I can come up with right now? Do I still have any other options? And yes, that's just me making myself a lot confused that before. I am not decided yet, but every time I think about my deteriorating health and state of mind, I just feel tired and depressed. And that's not healthy. So by stating this, I think I will take the path less traveled tomorrow. I have thought about this for the whole day while reading Albert Einstein Biography. Enough said.

I just hope that whatever happens, I won't regret it for the rest of my life.

In which case, I shall drop some verses from the Bible:

"Therefore do not worry, saying, ; What will we eat?' or 'What will we wear? For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ( Matthew 6:31-33)

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: the neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!" ( Luke 12:22-24)

"So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today." (Matthew 6:34)

"And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to the span of life?" ( Luke 12:25)

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid." ( John 14:27)

They make sense to me. Therefore, I shall concede to Tintin's piece of advice: It is not as if we're not going to get a job.

PS:

I am blaming The Perks of Being a Wallflower for being this unmotivated and depressed. So to anyone who will read that book, just make sure that you like what you are doing, and that you are not some hormonal psychopath like me.

Prayers Will Do

I could use some prayers now. And while I pray, I will let the The Smith's Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want play in the background.

An Open Letter to God

Dear God,

Are you still there? Do you still want to be my best friend?

It has been a long time since I last talked to you. I am sorry. I have been very busy with my life. You know how is it, right? I know you understand, but I know that you are hurting. I am sorry. The blame is on me. Mainly because I wasn't acting my age.

I do not want to be seen with stereotypes. Maybe that's the reason why I ignore you all the time. You are not a stereotype, but most of your friends are. Most of them are judgmental and self-righteous to the point of hypocrisy. They don't do what they preach most of the time. They'd like to think that they're like you when in fact they're not because they tend to be self-glorifying. And that's what I cannot stand. It has nothing to do with you, but sometimes it is just hard to say that you are my friend when I know for myself that I don't belong to your group of friends. It is hard to be out of place, if you know what I mean. I know that you have different kinds of friends, but still it's hard. I know that you have different groups of friends, but I was labelled to belong to that group of friend of yours (which I do not like for reasons stated above.)

I am sorry. I hope you are still my friend. I know I am stupid for ignoring you most of the time because of lame excuses I stated. I am sorry. I have been not much of a friend to you. I know it is hard to let this one pass, but your friends really have a good way of buzzing my top. I am sorry. You have been there for me when I needed someone who would understand me without even asking me what happened. Though sometimes I don't like how you can be so omniscient and all that.

That brings me to the reason why I wrote to you. My life has been a complete mess since the time I stopped hanging out with you (with you, not with your group of friends.) My life has never been the same. I screwed up a lot since then. I made wrong decisions. I took wrong turns. I tracked the wrong path. I paid a lot for the stupid reasons I had for ignoring you and setting you aside. After years of being a faithless wanderer, I came to realized that I once believed in you, that I once become your best friend. Then I realized that you are one of those few who really understood me. I feel awful now that I have come to my senses. What I did was wrong. Completely wrong (though I do not know how philosophers would say about that.) Why have I forsaken you when all I that I do not like are your friends? I am pretty much sure that you are not like them. So much not like them. I am sorry for being such an ass for the past few years of my life.

I am still finding my way to you. I have not seen you for the past few years. Maybe you already moved away or something. I do not know where you are residing now. But I hope that this letter comes to your attention, because I know how busy you are.

Until then,

Me

Religion: __________

A lot of application forms have this portion: Religion: ____________.

Most often than not, I leave them blank. It is not because I am an atheist or an agnostic or simply a godless wanderer, but it is because I think religion has its depth that no one could ever categorize. Be it a Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim, or a Seventh Day Adventist, there's not much difference I think.

I am born a Catholic. I always say that my parents are both Catholic, so that makes me a Catholic as well (and basically because I am christened in a Catholic Church). I used to go to church until my fourth year in high school. I stopped going to church, and I started reading the Bible (Yes, I read the Bible). And everything became different.

I started discerning things. I listened closely to what the religious people preached about god and the universe. There I found fault in their understanding of the Bible and of their religion. I found that they took it according to their own beck. Some took the meaning of the Bible in a literal way, which I find to be offensive since I believe that no book or any literary work should be taken lightly. There must be some science that could explain the Bible. There must be some science to explain god. There must be. There will be...in time.

And as for my religion? I want it to remain a blank.