Love Will Tear Us Apart

Do you know what happens when you get your heart broken? You overcompensate.

You do the stuff you don’t usually do. You study hard, you get active with a lot of community endeavors, you read books you thought you’ll never read, you exercise and make yourself better. You become somebody else. You occupy yourself with many things, thinking that you’ll get over him sooner than you expect. You keep yourself busy. You keep your head clear from any of his memories.

You run from his memories. You opt not to watch the TV shows that he likes. You turn off your iPod once you hear the music he listens to. You hide him from your News Feed on Facebook. You delete his messages on your phone. You throw away your photos together. You try hard to disintegrate yourself from him.

You wake up early to start a productive day. You work harder, you push yourself to the limits. You go home, a little drunk and tired. You hit the bed. You don’t have the energy anymore. You sleep late, and the routine continues the next day. You become a robot, merely existing, barely living. You tire yourself. You work until you run out of energy, until your body cries for help, until your mind screams “Rest!” You work and work and work and work until you hit pit bottom.

You keep fighting the urge to regress. You fight off any unwanted emotions. You keep telling yourself that you are strong. But in the end? The fact remains—you have a hole in your heart that no one/nothing, not even the greatest accomplishment, can ever fill in.

The Great Perhaps

I failed my part of the bargain.

Do I feel remorse? No. Do I feel regret? No. But there's just one thing in my mind: The Great Perhaps. It is not regret that provokes this kind of question. No, not regret at all. It is more of human nature that gives me this kind of idea. What if I did my part of the bargain? What if I did what I was supposed to do? What if I did things differently? What if, will everything be different?

No, of course not. Everything will still be the same. I will still think of the The Great Perhaps, mainly because I have done things differently. And it's normal. It's human nature to want something we don't have. Why? Because we love the thrill. We love the chase. We love the challenge it poses to our humanity. Well, at least for me.

I like chasing something I can never have. I like the feeling of uncertainty, of whether I can really have it or not. It makes me feel as if there's still hope in humanity. It makes me think that maybe, just maybe, there's still more to life for me. It makes me feel as though I am made for something, that I could be someone else. It makes me feel alive even for a while. But most of the time, it kills me.

AAAAAAHHHH! THE GREAT PERHAAAA *some text missing*

Edge of my Seat

Only few people are worth the effort, the time, and the shenanigans.

Sadly enough, you are not one of them. You never asked me if I am okay. You never did that, because you never really cared about me or about anyone. You never talked to me when you're okay and sober. You just talked to me whenever you have a fucking problem or whenever you needed someone who would listen to your crap. You saw me as someone who will listen to you whenever you want to rant. You only saw me as a wallflower, always ready to understand you, always ready to drop anything at your beck. You never saw me as an equal, because nobody can ever be your equal. Besides who I am to you anyway? I am just some dirtbag you can toss around whenever you are back to your fucking happy ways.

I was a friend to you, but you never were a friend to me. You never listened to me. It was always You because you are the center of the world. You never asked me, "What's wrong?" when I was deliberately telling you that I am fucking depressed. You did not even bother to pat my back, dude. Instead you asked me a far-fetched question directing to your greatness. You never cared that I was fucking my head with a steel bar just so I could get along with your mood swings. You did not even consider that I have a life and problems to deal with, that it was too much for me to do your stuff. I cannot fucking take it anymore

And you know what's the saddest part of it all? It is the fact that I allowed you to do that to me. At some point, I had my faults. I had been a doormat (because that's what I really am). But I can only take so much. I can never be that person anymore. I am tired of always having to consider your feelings before mine, of having to think about your opinions before I express mine, of having to put your needs before mine, and of having to be your shadow everytime. I am sick of it. I'm done with your selfishness and self-serving bias.

You weren't there when I was having a bout with depression. You weren't there when I can't feel my feet. You weren't there when I ate a pack of Cream-O in one sitting. You weren't there when I was thinking of dropping my major. You weren't there when my tummy went crazy. You weren't there when I had my heart broken. Maybe you cannot even understand the story behind these things, because you weren't there. You were simply not there for me.

Perhaps you will never understand me, but I don't care anymore. You can shit all you want, but you cannot move me. Not anymore.

For No One

Dear Someone,

I can never that girl, can I?

With so much love,

Angel

Killing the Buzz

Wake me up when October ends.

October 2010 is being a bitch on me. I started it with a bang, and will probably end it with another bang. This month is the worst I've ever had in my entire 20 years of existence. It already topped my March 2008 shit load. I had the roughest weeks this month, and will have another (and hopefully, the last!) screwed up and tiring week whether in the work place or at home.

So far, October is not getting any better for me. The hate fest still continues. And there's this kind of "Revolution" that I am going through. Not that it matters to anyone, but I am pretty fed up with my life. Sounds like teenage shit all over again, right? I know it's immature, but right now, I just feel like that. Maybe it has something to do with my crappy internet connection that keeps on letting me down for the past few days. To think that I am paying the priciest plan there is. So much for "good" advertising, I guess. I just feel tired in general. And I am too young to feel this kind of tiredness. I wish there's an end to this stupid month. Please let this month end soon.

I am emotionally drained, but I can still feel. And that what sucks the most. Being emotionally battered. I usually don't go on telling anyone (not even my closest friends) about the burdens I have, because I know that they have their own set of problems too. I just shrug it off most of the time. I sleep until it passes. However, my defense mechanisms have reached their saturation point. They don't work out anymore. And now, I feel the need to explain to everyone what I am going through. No one will fully listen, of course. That's why I am putting these shits in words, hoping that words will take away what I am feeling right now. But words are never enough.

Perhaps I should just listen to Mozart's Fur Elise now and shut up. Or grab and watch that Sister Act 2 DVD for a change. Ktnxbye.

I am a battered wife.

I decided to stay.

I just woke up this morning feeling a bit okay. It took me one Albert Einstein, a 7-hour sleep, some verses, and another 15 minutes to think over my life. Perhaps I am inconsistent and indecisive. But can you blame me for feeling such? I am just a struggling artists living as a corporate slave. My future is blurred.

I feel like a battered housewife. I am helpless over the fact that I cannot move on. I have other options, but I decided to stay, because I don't want to be broke. And being broke is something I don't want to experience ever again (okay, that was, of course, a sarcasm). Seriously, a lot of (working class) people feel this way. It is the strangling thought: If I resign now, I will have a hard time getting a new job. Only few have the guts to venture the path of the unknown, and I am not one of them.

By staying, I admit that I am a coward. I don't have the nerve to go and chase after what I really want. By staying, I admit that perhaps money weighs more than happiness sometimes. LOLJK. By staying, I admit that I want the best of both worlds.

But then, I am not staying for good. I will psych myself so that I could unlearn this helplessness that I feel. I will only stay until "such time" has come. Perhaps until then, I can truly decide.

Chasing Liberty

And so I failed.

I was supposed to inform the office manager that I am not going to continue working with the firm anymore. But then tons of work came. I forgot what I was supposed to accomplish today.

My day started with "Oh shit!" as I realized that it was already 7:30 in the morning and I have work. I stayed immobile for some 15 minutes to plan my strategy for the day. Should I drop the bomb to the manager first thing in the morning or should I wait until my paycheck is given? Should I leave my work at once or should I linger to finish my pending files? Should I do it or not? What are the pros and cons of leaving my job without any certainty about my future? That was the longest and the deepest 15 minutes of my life. Ever.

I dragged myself to work after that. The whole day was hazy for me since I was not myself and I was waiting for the right timing. All came swiftly. It all passed and went. But there are three things I can remember. First, my immediate superior started the day with, "Hoy Angeline! Madami kang rush." while I was having my coffee and small talk with two officemates. Second, the manager was cranky but he told me that I passed my first three months with flying colors. Third, I was swamped with work that I had no time to talk to the manager regarding my impending doom.

Aside from my failure to accomplish my personal task, I also failed to keep hope burning in my chest. I came to realize what a fool had I been last night. I totally busted my chance. So much for shooting for the moon, I guess.

Curse of Atlas

Life is just a matter of perspective.

There are just two absolute truths in life: Everything has a reason. Everything must come to an end. But perhaps life is so mysterious that these absolute truths may not be the only absolute truths there are. Or maybe I have just underestimated life itself.

I always tell myself that everything has a reason. An event will not happen if there's no underlying cause or if there's no reason to it. There must be logic to all the events. There must be. Or maybe I am just convincing myself to make excuses for my pathetic life. Perhaps I must understand and accept that I am living an empty life. A life that has no reason. A life that has no goal. A life that has no depth in it. I am living only for the people depending on me. I am not living for myself. I am living the lives that are not mine. I am living a shallow life. Almost existing, barely living. And what's worse is that it is okay with me. I find it okay that I let other people be the sole reason for my whole being. It is as if my life is tailored to be that way. I feel as if that is my entire reason for existing. Though I get sad and mad at life sometimes, I always find a way to reason out with my emotions. I get tired sometimes. I feel betrayed by humanity and great forces of being. I feel exhausted and lonely. But I always do sweet lemoning. Sometimes it sucks, but I cannot do anything about it. My life is not mine to live. Some people owned it for me. However, no matter how angry I feel sometimes with the people around me for pushing me too hard, I always think that everything shall pass.

Everything will come to an end. It must. And that includes the difficulties and pain that I am going through right now. Everything has its end. But the thing is, what if I die first before this "everything" comes to its end? Perhaps I should blame our kinship system for this Curse of Atlas.

Old Songs Make Me Wanna

Strangers are just family you have yet come to know.

-The Five People You Meet in Heaven

People come and go. We meet a lot of people everyday. Some of them may become part of our lives, while some of them may just leave without even saying hello.

I should have accepted that reality long time ago, so that saying goodbye would not be this difficult. I know that someday I will lose some of the people I have come to love. I know that in one way or another people will have to say goodbye and other shit that will result to a broken heart (no, not in a romantic way). People, no matter how much they love and care for each other, are bound to part or to fall apart. Besides, relationships are not forever (or even for life). But I still hope that there would be something to solve that case. I still hope that there might be something to prevent falling apart and parting ways. I really do.

Curse me for being such an idealist shite but everyone looks forward to having a long term relationship, right? It is not as if one will think of ending a newly started relationship. And maybe that's the problem with me. I find it difficult to say goodbye (for real). I find it heart shattering to let a relationship go down the drainage. I have a hard time letting people (who are dear to me) go. It breaks my heart. I feel as though my chest is being crushed by a bulldozer. It depresses me. It makes me wonder why. Then, as much as I want to revive the relationship, I could not because I am too weak and too sad to even look at the person. That's the sad part. I do not have the strength to do something about it. It is just too much for one heart. But still I hope. I hope that someone else will come to replace them... Or that they will come back. Still I hope.

People come and go as they please. They move forward. They move on. But I am stuck at the same place where they left me.

Tax is a bitch.

I got the job.

I should be happy right now. My bum days are coming to an end. But no. I am somewhere in between happy and sad just because of the tax. Crap. I miss the days when all I had to think about were exams, photocopying fees, and beer. But now, I have to think of a budget because I don't get an allowance from my mom. Now, I have to be wise with my money. And I have to pay the tax (which is the saddest part!!!) I also have to give back to my family (required!).

I have waited for this moment. Seriously. I thought that I would jump for joy and cry for merriment. I have waited for that kind of moment. But it never came. All I felt were a sudden rush of doubt and fear in me. The Am I sure to accept this epiphany came to me. I have seen the pros and cons of this job in a flash. I need to be patient and persevering. I have to. I need to be competitive. And fear is eating me alive, but I accepted the job offer.

I am about to venture to another chapter of my life. I am about to see the changes that will take course. I am about to unfold my future. Just because I got the job and I need to pay the tax.

Pen and Paper

I only know one thing: I am too young to be tired.

Lately, I have been feeling tired and depressed. I just feel hormonal. I just want to be able to write again. I don't know. I keep on looking for something, like an inspiration. I need it.

For the past four years, I have not been able to produce any decent creative output. I have failed myself. I have failed my potentials. I know it. But every time I try to write something sensible (not like this blog-slash-rant), I get a mental block (I beg not to use a writer's block). I cannot sustain and give justice to a good idea I have in mind. The inspiration seems to be flickering on and off in my head. I cannot manipulate the words and the elements like I used to.

This is largely my fault. I have succumbed to the notion that I cannot get something out of being a writer. As a result, I have neglected my writing stints just to give way to a more sensible occupation. I guess I have neglected it too much for so long that I cannot remember how I used to get away with words. I have succumbed to mediocrity... Now I just feel tired and depressed. Being unable to write something creative is making me sad.

I wish I knew how to end this stagnation.

Body Type Galore

I'm big, okay? I get it. You don't have to rub it in. I was born this way. My genes can attest to that. You can look at how tall my mom and my dad are. I am not very fat, but I am not thin either. But I get it, I am malaking bulas. So please, can you stop fucking up my nerves and quit repeating it?

Some people are just so insensitive that they keep on telling me how big I am. Don't they know that sometimes (when I am hormonal and it's 35.9 Degrees inside the house) I can get cranky and that I might take their snide comments personally? Don't they know that when the temperature is high, people are prone to aggressive tendencies and are easily irritated? Crap. I am big. I am malaking bulas. But I am not a whale. I am just born to be an endomorph. I already accepted that fact. I love my body, that's why I could not see why people keep on telling me 'Uy, lalo kang lumalaki ah.'

Seriously, people in our neighborhood should be more sensitive with what they say, because they do not even have a killer body to begin with. I just don't understand why they keep picking on me whenever they see me. I am not even an obese. And I think that I only have a little fat to burn if I wanted to. I love my body, but I am just pissed off at people who keep criticizing my big -boned structured. WTH.

Major WHUT.

So I have an exam tomorrow at 9am for the Associate Economics Researcher position.

When I sent my application via email, I thought that the HR of that company will not even look at my resume and sample works. Surprisingly, I received an email, telling me that they scheduled me for an exam. Shiz. I thought for a second: Should I pursue this? Economics?! WTH. Bahala na! I have no idea what kind of exam I will have tomorrow. Is it the usual Global Reasoning Test or is it something related to Economics? If it is the first one, then I have no problem. It'll be UPCAT all over again. If it is the latter, then that's where my major problem lies.

I am not an Economics graduate. My knowledge of Economics only includes the law of supply and demand, and Adam Smith's Laissez-Faire. That's all. I know little about jargons in Economics. And the only hard core economics unit that I had in the university was Economic Anthropology, which I enjoyed a lot (but gradually forgot about). I am not an expert, so to speak. But I have an interest in this field. Crap. How can I compete to those who have a degree in Economics or Business Econ?

What to do now? I don't want to fail in comparison to the other candidates... I guess I have no other choice but to study Economics now? Or I might as well rely on my fourth year high school memories of Economics.

Drama Queen

I wish I could stop binge blogging.

Lately, I have been so bored that I could not help myself but update (and update and update and update *repeat till fade*) my blog with some family dramas. I wish I could stop myself from spilling information more than I should. I wish I could write something sensible, but whatever.

Anyway, I am supposed to study for an exam tomorrow at 9am. Exams exams exams! When will I have a job? Seriously? Come on. I am tired of having exams and undergoing mental workouts. I need something more definite than exams. I want a job. I need a job. Okay, I sound whiny here. Blah blah blah. That's why I call myself the Drama Queen.

Now I am thinking that being jobless is more of a bad karma to me than of a result of my resume's mediocrity. I must admit that I did not attend some interview invitations when I don't like the company profile. I am that snob. And I repent for all the bad deeds that I committed. Or not. But whatever. I need a decent job. Please.

And I wish I could start writing some sensible stuff. Hello coherence, where art thou?