Everything to Everyone

I always have the need to explain myself to people who do not even give a shit.

I want to be like Holden Caulfield so that I could pass off for being such a jackass most of the time. Unfortunately, I am far from being that person. I guess, I am more of Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower (I keep on typing wallpaper! Allahdammit.) I can be really dense and shithead sometimes, but I (try to) understand the people around me without even asking why. I always try to be sensitive, because I know I am far from it. I try to be patient, because I am not. I try to be objective, because I am an emotional person. I try to be a team player, because I prefer working alone (and am efficient that way.) I try to be mellow, because I can get pretty aggressive. I try to listen a lot, because my attention span is really screwed up. I try to be kind, because I am mean. I always try. I always try to be someone better so that I could make up for my weak points. And it is not easy.

It is never easy to be the understanding one. Who says so? Everyone expects me to be cool and apathetic at all times. That is just sad. Because whenever I become insensitive, impatient, emotional, anti-social, and aggressive, people fail to acknowledge the simple truth that I also have my shortcomings like everyone else. It happens all the time. All the time. It is as if I have "Doormat" written on my forehead.

I cannot always be everything to everyone. I wish I could say that to some Neanderthals (oh yes, they still exist!) But then, I am a victim of the label that I put on my humanity: Wallflower.

Do you know what sucks about being ultimately happy?

It is the sudden feeling of emptiness that comes after.

It was all yellow

I am feeling kind of blue.

This is one of those days when I just want to lie down and drown myself with sad songs and melodies that don't really mean a thing. I keep on regressing and reminiscing the past--the only thing that I could never get back. There is no pain. None at all. There's just a hallow feeling in me.

I keep on going back and reviewing my life years ago. What have I done? What mistakes have I committed? What stupid decisions have I made? What have I missed? It is too much for me. It is sad, but it does not hurt. It is just sad to think that they were nothing but memories. Memories that will make my existence a lot more meaningful. But soon they will fade just like me.

I go on thinking. I could ramble on and on, but I would not make sense anymore. There's just too much in nothingness. There's just too much in one emotion. And it's too much for one heart.

Sleep is for the Faint-Hearted

My mom always nags about the benefits of a good night sleep. Even my sister always asks me what do I get for sleeping late when I have to wake up early in the morning for work. Little did they know that is that I want doing things without them lurking on my back and asking me what I am doing/writing. I love it when time is at my mercy. I like it when it is quiet, I can do all the things I am about to do. I think I lose hours of awesomeness whenever I sleep. Though I am cranky whenever I lack sleep, I can put up with that. I get cranky at myself. Besides, why do I need to sleep at night when I can be sleep working during the day?

I will not be surprised if I die of Leukemia or severe Anemia (though I know that lack of sleep is not a cause of such disease.) At the very least, I will not be surprised if I get fired for being such a lousy employee (Oh gods, employee does not sound really friendly to me.) Not at all.

Burning the Bridges

Sitting, waiting, wishing...

I could use some good introductions right now like "I wish I could write like Edgar Allan Poe..." or "How does it feel to be always waiting for something that will never come?" or "Some stars are meant to fall and never to regain its twinkle," but I know I could not sustain that. I would be bastardizing a good start with a nonsensical follow ups. So better not to use any of them.

I am thinking of something witty or interesting to write about. I have thought of writing my obituary, but that's just so typical. I have thought of ranting about how my life sucks right now, but that's so whiny. I have thought of weaving words for my suicide note, but that's pathetic. I have thought of listing down what I did today (which is not interesting at all), but that's very lame. So, I decided on writing about nothing and something at the same time. What could that be?

Superman is Gay. This has been a theory since time immemorial. I have heard a lot of accounts regarding Superman's gender. There are a lot of debates going on the virtual world, but nothing beats the joke that I have heard from Infidel today (I guess, that's because it was the first time that I have heard of this joke!) It goes something like this (but not quite). There were some text missing, but get the point? That must have been the start of his "gayness." LOLJK. I also found a discussion on his gender over the internet. A serious discussion, dude. You can check it out here. Oh, pop culture! What the heck. I need Foucault or whoever gender theorists are available.

Blue streak. Ever heard of the expression talk a blue streak? Well, I haven't until Infidel told me about it. It means to say a lot very fast, to talk very much and very rapidly, in short--to blabber. But! It also means something other than its figurative meaning. Apparently, it is the term used to label the act of igniting one's fart. I kid you not. You can check this and that for further proof that one's fart is combustible. I also Googled on the matter (fart is the subject, my friend) and found an interesting link that can provide anyone a better understanding on fart. And yes, while I am writing this I am slashing my throat using a bread knife. Writing about fart is close to abomination and social suicide.

Dongca's Birthday!

Ber Months. I am never a fan of months with -ber on its end, because that only means one thing: Christmas. Though I am lusting for a long Holiday, I am not looking forward to Christmas for reasons I stated before. I am slowly turning into a Grinch. I have to endure the (repetitive) Christmas songs again. Oh. NO.

Want vs Need. My ultimate dilemma. Right now, I am contemplating on choosing which to acquire: a cellphone or a camera. I really want to have a Blackberry for a phone, but that's just not me. I mean, 2mp and not much of a mp3 player. So I think I will settle for Sony Ericsson Aino. As for the camera, well... That's different. I am lusting for Yashica FX-2 ever since I held it with my hands, but it is not practical to use film right now (unless I am a professional photographer.) So I (will) concede to Sir Abe's piece of advice: Go Digital. But then, I am having a hard time choosing which of the two (cellphone and camera) I will get. I can only have one! It is hard to choose.

This and That. November and December will be the death of me. I need to decide before November 11, 2010!!! Why is it hard to decide? Tell meeeee! WHY?

Oh shit. It's past 12am already! I failed to post this on the first day of September. Crap.