Teenage Love Affair

Almost two years had passed, and yet I still couldn't believe that I was the one who wrote this emotional blog entry. I couldn't believe that I have been this romantic and idealistic. I have been this heartbroken. And it feels like it won't happen again. It feels like I won't be able to feel this way again. Hmm. *Teenage love affair*

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Before him, my life was stable. I was emotionally stable and safe. My heart was safe from the love bug and whatever. I was contented with playing safe and being just okay--not happy, not sad either. Everything was falling into its place (or so I thought). Everything was perfectly normal... and okay. I was okay.

Then he came and started to change everything else in my life. Everything I have worked hard for my heart's safety had gone out in trash. He made me open my heart to possibilities and let my defenses down.

I started believing in destiny, in life, and in love. His existence alone made me believe in positivist's view of love and death, of destiny. His existence alone made me realize that there is such thing as destiny. I started believing in goodness of life has to offer. I started waking up each day with so much enthusiasm and with a real smile plastered on my lips, hoping that the day would turn out just right (and I knew that the day would end perfectly fine because there was someone like him to make everything else right no matter how bad it really was.) I realized that I was really happy in its truest and purest sense (by my standards of being happy). Then, I believed in everything else. I was figuratively floating due to happiness because finally, I let my heart decide for its own, for what it really wanted.

Then, as swiftly as he came, he left.

Heart shattering, yes. Heart breaking, of course. It was like I was in the middle of a wonderful dream, a happy dream, then someone snatched me away before I could catch the gist of my dream. It was like I was floating happily in air, and then there was the sudden crash. Everything I hoped and aspired for was then gone. He took it with him. All of it.

I wept for some time, cried for the love found, love lost. I was left with nothing but memories, with what could have been, with what might have been, and with a love that was true. I was left with heartwarming memories that brought smile on my lips and tears to my eyes. I cried myself to sleep until there was nothing left to cry for. I really thought IT was really there, and then it was not. It is, and then it was.

But like any wounded soldier, I got up and moved on. It was not easy, but I must move on with life like everyone else. I know I must face each day with bravery, hoping that I would break even with life in general. I cried sometimes, I laughed most of the time, but then I knew I was not the same person I was before I met him. Though I was left alone, I was left with a love that could withstand time and all. I was left with memories that would stay the same even after everything else in the world had changed. I was left with a belief that somehow, somewhere, someone is out there--unconsciously waiting for someone like me to change his life too, or maybe not knowing that someone like me exists. I was left with a happy-sad heart. Happy because somehow I felt the joy I had even for a short period of time, sad because it ended so soon. But who am I to ask for more when something great like that happened once in my life? What I had felt for that short course of time was real, I know. At least, I experienced being plainly and perfectly happy even for a while. And I know that no one could take that away from me.

All I have right now is the love that I am capable of giving. The only thing that is missing is the person who will be brave enough and deserving enough to take it and nourish it.

I still feel the same way for him, I still think of him sometimes. I still feel sad sometimes for what could have been if I had been brave enough to risk more of me. Even so, I am not closing my doors to possibilities, but I am not saying that everything will happen right now. Everything will take its course in time, I know. I am still young; there are lots of rooms for me to grow up.

I believe that my fairytale is there--it is just far away.