Thursday, May 20, 2010

What If Talk

It's been a habit of my dear mother and I to have a conversation before we sleep, but with my current sleeping pattern, we haven't had the pleasure to talk about random things. But since I went to bed earlier than usual last night, we had the time to ramble on again.

We were talking about certain things in and about life when the "what if" question was raised. No, it was not me who asked "What if Dad were alive?". It was my younger sister, who apparently was not asleep yet. This question was not an old one. It was a frequently asked question in the family, as a matter of fact. My answer would always be: If he were alive, he'd be bedridden.

But last night was different. I entertained the idea that maybe, just maybe, my dad would not be sick in his deathbed. I can dream, can't I? I answered for the first time, Maybe life would be different for us. (Since my dad died, our life had been turned upside down but I won't discuss how it went for us.) My mom agreed, maybe.

If my dad were alive (and healthy), I would be some spoiled brat who knows nothing about life but having fun. If he were alive, I would be an airhead who has nothing but expensive possessions. If he were alive, I would be a product of Catholic Schools. If he were alive, I would be living in comfort.

If he were alive, I would not be working while studying. If he were alive, I would not be this broke. If he were alive, I would not be commuting to school. If he were alive, I would not experience what I have experienced in life. If he were alive, I would not be the person I am today.

If he were alive, things would have been different for me and for my family. I could ramble on things that might and could have happened if he were alive, but that just would not do anymore. He is dead. So much for the What if Dad were alive? thought.

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