Things I do when I am depressed

1. Listen to depressing songs.

2. Watch sad movies.

3. Stare at nothingness.

4. Write.

5. Shut up.

6. Sleep.

7. Read.

Or simply sulk in depression and loneliness.

I seldom get depressed (aka hormonal), but when it strikes me, it is hard core.

Defying Gravity

This is where the "I should stop this or else..." should start kicking in. Shit.

This is not supposed to happen! What am I thinking? What the eff am I thinking? Gahd. I am supposed to be rational. I am supposed to think first, and not to let emotions get entangled with decision-making. I am not supposed to feel...anything. Why now? I have been in a limbo for quite sometime. I am not feeling anything. I am in a blank state. I just don't feel ANYTHING. But now this? The gods must be insane.

This. Is. Not. Supposed. To. Happen. I swear.

I will haggle with my inner demons. I don't need this right now. NOT NOW.

Sitting, waiting, wishing...

It is dark and cold. I can hear the heavy raindrops on our roof. I can feel the gash of the cold breeze on my cheeks. I can see nothing but darkness around me and this laptop of mine is the only source of light I have. Darkness surrounds me as I wait.

I wait for something good to happen. I’ve been waiting for this all my life. It is not new to me—the stinging pain of waiting and of expecting something that is seemingly impossible to happen. I wait and wait. I am tired of waiting, but I cannot do something about it. It is as if my life is perfectly tailored for waiting, just waiting. It is as if my emotional threshold is perfectly made for struggling with pain and hardship. I don’t know if it is a good thing or not, all I know is that it is hard to wait. It is difficult to deal with the pain of expecting something and the frustration that it brings afterwards. I wait. But all I can hear is the sound of the heavy raindrops on our roof. I can only smell the damped grounds. I can feel the coldness—inside and out.

I wait for it to happen. But all I can see is the bluntness of the dark alley before me. It is hard. The pain of waiting is excruciating. It is not what I want, but it is something I have to do for now. It is not what I wished for, but it is something that I can do for now. It is inevitable. It is like I am a victim of my own foolishness. But aren’t we all?

I wait. I will wait until I fall asleep. I will wait when I wake up. It is a cycle for me. For now. I have to wait for my turn. I have to wait until Lady Luck faces its coin on me. I will wait until that bright morning comes to me, until the sun smiles on me.

I am still waiting, but my battery is running out.

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was this young lad who sang to me the most compelling song ever made.

He sang every word of the song as if he meant them. I almost believed him.

Maybe I did, but I cannot remember now.

He sang it with so much intensity and emotion that I almost fell in love with him.

Maybe I did, but I cannot remember now.

He sang it for me. Only for me.

Maybe, but I don't want to remember now.

But he left and never came back after he rendered that song for me.

He never came back, but the song remained in my heart.

That song, by the way, is "All I Ask of You" from the Phantom of the Opera. A very beautiful song.

Disillusionment.

The world is harsh.

I have said this many times before, especially on the events where I could not do something to give justice to some things or some people. I feel obligated to feed the hunger of the world, to protect the rights of people who cannot protect themselves, to advocate indigenous peoples rights, to relieve the world from poverty, inequality, and injustice, to empower marginalized people, and to do something just. I feel that it is my duty to do something in order to save the world (or at least my country) from further deterioration. I should do something to make things better for my fellowmen, that's what UP education has taught me.

"Save the nation through oblation." as the UP shirt said once. And I plan to live up to it. I want to serve my fellowmen who sent me to a good university. I want to pay back the country that housed me since time immemorial. I want to save my nation through oblation.

But. I have to face the truth. No matter how much I wanted to change the world and no matter how hard I work for its betterment, there are certain things in this world that still remain to cause conflict. For instance, corruption, inequality, and injustice (things which may result in poverty).

Corruption is every where, not just in the government. It lives in everyone's house. It happens when the parents bribe the children with money just to go to the nearest store to buy something. It happens when the children take the excess money when they were asked to buy in the grocery. It happens when the children steal money from their parents' wallets. It happens when the household engages in "reward system". Corruption exists since time immemorial. It exists, not just in the arena of politics, in every social institution. It is a fact of life. And it is sad.

And just like corruption, inequality and injustice have been existing for only-god-knows-when. These things, which the "presidentiables" promise to alleviate, are already a fact of life. And it will take a very looooooong time to ease these. It might even take centuries to get rid of these things because as long as there is capitalism and greed, these things will exist.

Nobody wants to be poor. And the world is simply harsh. Though I can do something about it, I cannot change it. I simply cannot.

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Public School All The Way

If there is one thing that I will say to my future employers, it would be this: I am a product of public schools, and am proud of it.

From my grade school to college, I have been reared and educated in a public school, and never once in my entire school age that I regretted it. In fact, I enjoyed my public schooling. And I am just glad that my mom did not agree with my father when he said that he’ll send me to a catholic school (Oh Lord, I am just so glad).

Public schools are known for its wrecked and worn facilities. The classrooms are (too) small to occupy 70 apprehensive students. The windows are in the state of disrepair just like the doors. The desks and chairs are either slightly broken or totally dysfunctional. The library (if there is such thing in public schools) is just as inaccessible to students as the comfort rooms (for students, because teachers have their own clean and stink-free comfort room). The comfort rooms smell horrible and bring no comfort at all. The water supply is almost non-existent. In short, comfort rooms are off-limits unless you have a strong stomach or you just have no choice at all but to “expel” right there and then. But some rooms have their own comfort room, which is less vile as the communal CR. These master rooms, as I would like to call it, are usually rooms of lower grade school students (grade 1 to 3). To add to these, there is no computer room. IF there is one, it is only accessible to the faculty or to lucky students. And the computers are either outdated or defective. As for the books, public schools are also known for its tattered and limited number of books. Only a few number of students can have a complete set of books (which are not free, because the students have to return them to the school at the end of the class). Some students share books with some partners. Ration is sometimes 1:5. And that, my friend, is quality education for you (if you base the quality on the school’s facility).

But in this kind of school I have survived. In this kind of school I have learned something beyond what private schools can offer. I have learned more about life, which is something that one cannot learn from the four corners of his/her air-conditioned room. I have learned to open my eyes and to look beyond what is superficial. I become aware of the realities of life—that not everyone is equal and has the capability to be schooled up until college, that poverty exists, that some students go to school without food and/or money and that I cannot help all of them, and that the world is simply harsh. I was educated more about what happens in real life than about what the academics and scholars would say.

The public schools I've attended taught me to be street smart rather than be intelligent. They taught me that limited resources do not mean failure or low quality education. Instead, this limitation actually adds to the skills and abilities to make something great and creative. This limitation taught me to be careful with whatever I do, and to be creative as to maximize whatever resources I have. With this, I learned that it is not the means that define a student's capability, but it is the process as to come up with an end that matters most.

Those public schools taught me that the four-cornered room is not the only reality there is, that it is not even the whole of life itself, and that it is just the beginning of something more. Having been reared and educated in public schools is a real blessing for me, because I would not be the person I am today if not for public schools I've attended. Go public schools!

Do not hate.

Hate is such a heavy word.

So I decided that I don't hate you. I just don't like you. AT ALL.

You are know-it-all, bossy, and mean. You feel like you know all the things in the world, like everything you say is something I should believe. You are so smart that you could shit books. You know this, you know that. You say I should do this and that because I am still "young" blah blah blah. You say, "I have read this book that says shit that shit this. You should read it because that is the only book in the world that can give you that kind of knowledge." I mean really. Do you expect me to believe every word that you say? Come on. It is not as if I can't fucking read and understand. It is not as if I haven't gone to some library. I know how to read. And I can understand. You know what is wrong with you? You tend to believe whatever you read and learn, and make it your reality. I am sorry to burst your bubble but I process whatever I read and learn, and am careful which to believe and which not to believe. Yeah, news for you.

And another thing, don't treat me or any of my family like shit, because you are not smart enough yourself. You are not a fucking god, so don't act like one. You actually don't have the right to treat me or anyone like your slave. You can't just boss me around like you used to. I've been there, done that. I am tired of being around someone like you. I am tired of kissing your fat ass every time you are around. I am tired of you bossing around anyone. I guess it is partly my fault that I have been so kind and submissive to you back then. Maybe that is because I was young then, and I did not have a clear disposition of myself. It is partly my fault that I let you treat me like some shit, and to bully me like that. But I have grown to be a critical thinker now (thanks to UP education). I know now when to say yes and when to say no. I realized I should not render myself to your highness because you are capable of doing whatever that you are asking me to do. It is just that you are so lazy and bossy, and that you just like to assert your "power" over me. But I have good news for you, you can start picking up after your crappy self, because I will not do it for you. You are old enough to do that, and I think you should start acting according to your age.

I would also like to add that you are mean to the people around you. You feel and act like the whole world revolves around you. You say things to people without even thinking (because thinking is beyond your capability) if you will hurt them with your words. You are so mean that you could pass as a typical antagonist in Filipino teleserye. You hurl words that could hurt anyone. You just love to talk, and you can't help but say anything you want. You say, "Person X is such a bitch because blah blah blah." Hello, earth calling you. Have you ever looked at yourself? You are the bitch personified. You are also shallow. You base your judgment on the physical characteristics of a person. You don't look beyond that. You look down on people, because no one can ever be more beautiful and more perfect than you. Reality check, you are not even pretty.

Plus, could you stop pinpointing my faults? You say that my hair is fucked up. You say it every time you have the chance. I know it okay? You don't have to say it every time you can, I am not slow. And could you please stop pulling my hair whenever you feel like "naglalambing"? Because it is not funny, and it is not something you should do to me because I don't like it when someone pulls my hair. And could you please stop acting clean and that you can't do wrong? Because you are not a saint. You are far from it, seriously.

I really don't like you, because you don't respect anyone. You have no concept of that, because you are high and almighty. I have heard of what you did and said to my mom. I have known it every since I got back from my fieldwork, and I didn't do anything about it (which I really regret until now) because I wasn't there when it happened. But you know what? Even though I wasn't there that time, I can imagine what really happened. It is beyond my duty to understand why you did that, but I did. Simply because I am giving you your last chance to redeem yourself. And you burned it. You are so proud and just so mean that you did not even apologize to my mom days and weeks after the incident. And now you have the guts to show your proud crappy face to me as if nothing happened? An apology could have worked, but knowing you... You would not even dare explaining yourself. That was your last chance; I am not giving you one anymore.

What you have said to my mom is simply unforgivable. You don't have the right to simple trashed my mom like that, because you are not even half of what she is. You can't just say (insert unkind adjectives aka curses here) in her face, because she is not as fucked up as you are (I think I don't have to elaborate how doomed you are and your life is now).

You make a terrible liar, you should know that. So please stop acting like you don't know what is going on. Stop acting like you care for anyone, because you don't really care about anyone but yourself. You lie for your own good. You lie to serve your own convenience. You cut the details, and add some. You alter the facts, and you manipulate them to serve you good, to make you appear like a saintly saint. You don't care what the costs are when you lie. You just lie, because you know it will be to your own benefit. I mean, how could you lie brutally? It is okay to lie sometimes, but to use another person and lie about it for your own freaking sake? That is different thing. You are a terrific liar that I do not believe anything that you say. You are one selfish and heartless bitch (I am dying to say this to your face, really). You should know that.

I hope you can read this shit. This is just some of what I wanted to say about you because I do not like you at all. I don't hate you. I just don't like you. And I wish you rot in hell.

Okay, I hate you.

Blurred Future SPEAKING.

I have been thinking lately about my life after college, about what lies ahead for me, about the path that I am going to take, about the things that I would want and love to do, about the things that I should do. I am a little pressured now. Because most of the people I know and most of the people around me have a definite plan ahead of them. They know what they will do after college. Some are going to pursue higher education (masters, medical school, and law school), while some are going straight to work.

They know what they will do, while I am stuck in the decision-making phase (which sucks big time). The future is a little blurred for me. It always has been like that, because I am confused most of the time. I am confused because I am torn between my familial duty (you know how it is in the Philippines) and duty to myself and blah blah blah. I am confused, but I have come to a decision to make a decision as soon as possible. I mean, I cannot deter the future. I simply cannot stop it from happening. So I should start acting now. As in now.

What to do now? Well, there are three things.

1. NMAT and LAE (They go together for me). Of these two mental workouts, I should start studying for the first one, and I should start reading newspapers for the latter.

2. Graduate School. Scholarship. Whatever.

3. Go corporate. This is not what I actually want, but this is the surest way through which I could fulfill my familial duty.

BLURRED FUTURE SPEAKING, HELLO.

Reality Check.

I am neither happy nor sad.

In fact, I am not feeling anything. I don't get excited. I don't get hurt. I don't get angry or frustrated anymore. I mean, I just don't feel anything. Nothing makes me feel anything. Not even the most agitating situation can make me feel anything. I don't even feel irritated when waiting for a long time. What's even worse is that I can't feel attraction. I don't have any crush right now. There is no one who can make me feel. No one. And I have been like this for quite some time now. I don't know if this is okay or if this means that something is wrong.

I don't want to sound whiny, but I just can't help but think: what is wrong with me? I am supposedly to be on the peak of everything. I am in my late adolescent stage. According to the psych books, I should feel the hormones acting on me. I should get easily affected by everything. But I am not. I simply get detached. Why? Why is that happening to me? I am still a teenager, why am I not feeling anything? I am just confused most of the time. I know it is excusable for me to be confused, but aside from that? I just feel bleak. Just bleak, and nothing else.

At first, I thought that feeling nothing is okay, like it is a good thing. I thought that being not able to feel is one of a kind, like it is something only a few people are capable of. I thought that being not able to feel anything is equivalent to being strong. But then, I was proven wrong.

It is good to feel nothing sometimes, but when it gets consistent and normal, you start asking yourself what is wrong with you. The lack of any emotion and feeling is like a vacuum. It is actually a vacuum. And being in a vacuum is not good.

Being in a vacuum makes me less of a human. Being not able to generate any feeling and emotion makes me less of a person. It rips me off of everything that I am.

Do not fall in love.

"It is either we are friends or we are not."

Through rigorous contemplation, I have come up with a decision almost two years ago never to fall in love with anyone, especially when that someone is a close friend (note: opposite sex). Though it is easy to fall in love with a close friend, it has many hang ups. It has its disadvantages

For one thing, the friendship is in big jeopardy. A person in love with his/her close friend tends to act and to react differently. S/he perceives the reality with rose colored glasses, and may misunderstand some actions of the person s/he is in love with. The relationship gets messy. The emotion gets tangled up with the platonic one, which may result to confusion and worse heartache. A person in love, no matter how s/he may deny it, expects something in return. There is no such thing as a free gift, much more an emotional investment. Expectations always come up in the process of falling in love with a close friend. And that's where the danger comes in. Expectations have its way of ruining everything. Believe me.

Another thing is the awkwardness of the situation. Come on. It does not feel "exactly right" to fall in love with a friend. Everything gets awkward because something has changed, "you" have changed. Everything gets mixed up, and reason starts to be blurred. Emotions are cluttered. And then one thing you'll notice: the friendship is not the same anymore, and it is your fault. It is your heart's fault.

So you see. Falling in love with a friend is messy. It confuses the mind. It breaks the heart. And it leads to the deterioration of the friendship, which is more important than the sexual relationship because it can last longer than the latter. One might argue that we cannot choose who to fall in love with, but I beg to disagree. We can choose the person we fall in love with. We can, just as we can choose to be happy or not. It just takes time sometimes.

So for those who feel like s/he is already starting to fall in love with her/his friend, restrain yourself. It is either you are friends with that person or you are not. You choose.

On Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief

I am not the type of person to write a decent review on something I have watched or read. I am not articulate enough to do so, but I have my own judgments and comments on a lot of things which I keep only for myself. However, I will deviate tonight because I will "try" to give some decent comments on the book-turned-movie Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief.

I must admit that I put Percy Jackson series on hold for quite a long period of time. I stalled some months before finally reading the first book. Actually, I watched the film first before deciding whether to touch the pages of its original form or not. So you see, I have joined the bandwagon of people who watch the movie first before being able to read the book (which is very unusual for me). Do I regret it? No. In all honestly, I am thankful that I did. Why? Because the movie is upsetting. Even for me who has no idea about the content of the book, it is an epic fail. I don't know why they make film out of books when they can't even give justice to the original piece. It is like they bastardized the book. No offense, but the film was a major failure for me.

Movies should take the audience to a new kind of world. They should have an effect on the audience's reality. Movies should make the audience feel. And that what lacked in Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief (movie). I felt nothing while I was watching the film. I felt NOTHING! That rarely happens to me. I was detached from the movie that I was more aware of the reaction of the kid on my right side to every scene. I felt nothing. This might be due to the cinematography.

First, the color and texture (my knowledge on film jargon is limited, so bear with the layman's term) are somewhat more apt for a romantic comedy film. I wished that the film was darker than it was because the "mythology mood", as I would coin it, was not felt in the duration of the movie. I did not feel the angst of what mythology should be. Second, the camera movement did not involve the perspective of the audience (which I value so much, btw). Third, lighting was not used to the advantage of the film. There were not much mood setters in the film. And lastly, the effects were crude (though the water effect was okay). I did not feel like Medusa head was real. It was more like a painting, IDK.

There are a lot of things I could say about the actors, but I will just have to say 'so-so' and leave it like that. There is a room for improvement, as they say. I just really hope that the next Percy Jackson will be directed by Steven Spielberg. No offense to Chris Columbus.

Invictus

Last night, I went over some things in my life that need an overhaul. I have been busy lately that I wasn’t able to wrap my whole life accordingly. In the past few weeks, I was a mess, a total mess. I have been consumed by events that mean nothing metaphysical to me. All the things around me were real, but nothing mattered. I have been in a total whirlwind so to speak. My life was in a limbo. So I decided to take a break and think. And last night, the fear that made me do stupid things overwhelmed me again.
But I was able to overcome it. It was not easy. It took me years to finally accept that I am afraid of failing. And it took me many battles just to defeat my own fear. And last night, after a gazillion of battles I have fought, I won. But it was not an easy battle—nothing was, nothing is, and nothing will ever be.
I have been a prisoner of my own fear, that I realized when I woke up the next day. Little fear can cripple even a great man in the making. But I won’t let it loom my decisions in life. Never again. I might be still scared, but it won’t cripple me again. For I remember a great line from one of my favorite poems, Invictus: “I am the master of my soul, I am the captain of my fate.”

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