Side B

Can you keep a secret? Because I have a confession to make. 

This is hard for me. I'd appreciate it if this admission will stay between the two of us. I don't usually do this, but I guess it is high time that I acknowledge this version of me. So, here it is: I think less of myself more than what I admit to the world.

To put it simpler, I am insecure. I am this big ball of insecurity. I sure don't look like it, but I feel it. The insecurity gnaws my being. It sucks my awesomeness as a person. I know I should not feel that way or even think that way, but I am human, too. I have my own issues. 

People tell me that I am one of the most confident people they've met, that they are amazed by how I don't give a fuck about everyone's standards and norms, that blah blah blah. Sure, thanks. But here's the truth: that's just a facade.

I'd like to think that I am really all that and more, but every time I do so, the more I realize that I am just this pretentious, full of shit, annoying, and insecure girl (Yes, talk about self-pity.) The more I think, the more I realize that I've amounted to nothing (based on the society's standards or success) for the past years. I may only be saying this because I have achiever college friends, but I don't know. I am not comparing myself to them. It's just that, I want more for myself. Do I even make sense? I mean, where am I right now? Sure, I have many aspirations in life and for my future, but what am I doing with my life right now? What are these life choices I've made? What have I done to myself? How will I be able to get through this period? What to do? What to do? Oh. Shit. Not. Again. 

I have nothing. I am nothing. Maybe in another time, I would argue that having nothing and being nothing is actually a good thing. But not this time. Not this time.