Nicotine Level: 15% -- Dismiss?
I've been a regular smoker for 4 years now. It started as an experiment when I was five or eight. I saw my older sister and our cousins lit a stick of my father's cigarette. They were in their teens. I watched them as they flicked the cigarette, took their first drag, and puffed the smoke out. To say that I was amazed was an understatement. I asked myself, "How do they do that?" They did not cough or anything. It was as if they were just breathing normally. How was it possible? And I knew there was only one way to find out.
What happened next was, I peeled a piece of paper from my Yasaka pad, got my baby sister's powder, and made my own version of "cigarette." I put a certain amount of powder on the paper. I rolled the paper and lit it. I took my first drag and coughed myself to death afterwards. It was that bad. I hated the feeling, and from that moment on, I knew that I would never try smoking again.
Apparently, I was wrong.
Years later, I discovered Dunhill Frost. Everything went downhill after that. I started with one stick a day, then it became two, until I couldn't count it anymore. I smoked whenever I got the chance. At first, I was hiding it from my friends for fear of not being accepted. (Talk about Teenager = The need for acceptance phase, right?) It was enough that I had the "alcoholic" image, I didn't want them to judge me more. Besides, drinking is more acceptable than smoking. It was only when I was in third year college that I went out in public. I guess, it was teenage angst that made me smoke in public. I was in the I-don't-give-a-shit-about-what-you-think-of-me-I'm-smoking phase. At first, some of my friends told me to stop it because it's not healthy. I actually believed them, but I didn't stop. Of course, I didn't stop.
From Dunhill Frost to Black bat to Marlboro Menthol to Black to practically any brand to Marlboro Lights. That was my cigarette evolution. Thinking about it now, now that I have Upper Respiratory Tract Infection again, I couldn't understand why I even started smoking.
Smoking calms me whenever I am stressed and/or emotional. It clears my head whenever it feels like exploding with information. It makes me say things in a nicer way whenever I feel the urge to curse someone like s/he means nothing in the world. And it helps me to pass time whenever I'm bored. But then, are these reasons enough? For now, I would like to think so.
I want to quit, but I am not a quitter. I know I would be able to stop someday. It would just have to take time. I don't have enough discipline and self-control to go cold turkey on it. I tried the flooding technique where I chain smoked almost 3 packs of 20s in one night. I stopped for 3 months and then I picked up the habit again. I just know that impulsive quitting would not work for me. I have to take one step at a time. Right?
***As of this writing, I haven't smoked a cigarette for two consecutive days. An achievement, if you know me. The craving for nicotine is not that strong. (Or maybe that's just because I am sick, I don't know.)
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