Cheers to Productive Weekend

Here is to a productive weekend!

I made a list of things to do the other day since I realized that I have not accomplished anything sensational since I started working. And guess what? I already finished reading What-the-dickens by Gregory Maguire and watching The Roman Holiday. Pretty cool. I am actually following my schedule. That's the first! I just hope ADHD won't prevail this time.

And yes, I am about to write a review on What-the-dickens and The Roman Holiday, but I am running out of time (as if I am renting a computer in a computer shop LOLJK). I have an early day tomorrow and I need to sleep now. As in right now, or else I will get cranky tomorrow. Dang. Sundays and Mondays are really not my day.

So long and goodbye. I am taking Kafka on the Shore with me to sleep.

Miss Misery

Lost conviction is lost humanity.

Life flashes before me. Then everything changes in an instant.

There is no magic anymore. The only thing left is a black hole where everything goes in and never comes back. There is no moment of clarity, no screaming truths, and no more epiphanies. Just confusion and lies all over again. Just that. And no more.

It stops there and proceeds no more. Indeed, a dead end.

Noodle Breakout

I had too much noodles and MSG for the night. So pardon my line of thoughts.

There are only two things that I want in life right now: Canon 1000D and Yashica FX 2.

I am so sorry for being materialistic these past days, but I really want these babies (especially the latter!) As I said before, I am torn between buying myself a new phone (need) and buying a camera (want). Apparently, Want won over Need. Talk about priorities in life. So I gave in to my inner evils. I need to see something empirical as the product of my meager salary. I need to see a product of my hard work. And it should be something that I want so that I could feel a little worth in my job.

In other news, I probably should get a passport now so that I could avail those cheap plane tickets bound somewhere beyond Philippine Area of responsibility. I should have done this when I was still in college, but I did not. Because back then, I was so blinded by the thought that I will not need a passport since I am not going anywhere but here (and that I might die if I ride a plane.) Little did I know that Real World will change my perspective. Now I want to go to Japan and Singapore (and maybe Africa) for some "anthropological" reasons. Thinking about it now, I want to punch the college version of myself for being so lazy. Good thing there's online application now.

Life flashes a sardonic smile

I find it amazing how people can grow up and mature in a short period of time.

Just six months ago, my friends and I were gushing about skipping classes, hang overs, exams, thesis, papers, and sleepless nights. But now, we often discuss investments, money, career, and other stuff that only "old" people can understand.

It is funny in a harsh way. Because as everything sinks into my head, I am coming to a conclusion that we are now deduced to something far from our fun-loving selves before. Everything becomes complicated. From long exams to thesis, we are now faced with more serious things like surviving life with meager salary, paying the bills, making up to our parents aka paying back (though this one is optional), making the means and ends meet, getting along with a lot of superficial people, understanding the system, and letting it beat you up. We forget our dreams. Then, we become victims of capitalism.

Which leads me to respect every single soul who has the courage to take the step to become what s/he wants to be. I salute people who do what they love to do despite economic struggles. I look up to people who ditch a sucky job to do what their hearts really desire. Only few people can do that.

To Capitalism and beyond!

I am a battered wife.

I decided to stay.

I just woke up this morning feeling a bit okay. It took me one Albert Einstein, a 7-hour sleep, some verses, and another 15 minutes to think over my life. Perhaps I am inconsistent and indecisive. But can you blame me for feeling such? I am just a struggling artists living as a corporate slave. My future is blurred.

I feel like a battered housewife. I am helpless over the fact that I cannot move on. I have other options, but I decided to stay, because I don't want to be broke. And being broke is something I don't want to experience ever again (okay, that was, of course, a sarcasm). Seriously, a lot of (working class) people feel this way. It is the strangling thought: If I resign now, I will have a hard time getting a new job. Only few have the guts to venture the path of the unknown, and I am not one of them.

By staying, I admit that I am a coward. I don't have the nerve to go and chase after what I really want. By staying, I admit that perhaps money weighs more than happiness sometimes. LOLJK. By staying, I admit that I want the best of both worlds.

But then, I am not staying for good. I will psych myself so that I could unlearn this helplessness that I feel. I will only stay until "such time" has come. Perhaps until then, I can truly decide.

Clean Slate

Hoping against hope.

The perfect phrase to describe my emotion right now. In a matter of 24 hours, I will be jobless. I am actually scared of joining the bum force. Mainly because I don't want to be broke again.

So okay. I have been thinking most of the day about my decision. I know for a fact that my current job experience will have no bearing on the field that I want to enter. I want Research and Writing. Period. And this is far from being a Researcher/Writer. It's the main point that I have been telling myself for the whole day just to make myself feel less afraid of being broke for the coming months. Other than that, I have nothing else to say.

Apparently, I am still not decided. I can still feel a flickering hesitation in my chest. Is this the best decision I can come up with right now? Do I still have any other options? And yes, that's just me making myself a lot confused that before. I am not decided yet, but every time I think about my deteriorating health and state of mind, I just feel tired and depressed. And that's not healthy. So by stating this, I think I will take the path less traveled tomorrow. I have thought about this for the whole day while reading Albert Einstein Biography. Enough said.

I just hope that whatever happens, I won't regret it for the rest of my life.

In which case, I shall drop some verses from the Bible:

"Therefore do not worry, saying, ; What will we eat?' or 'What will we wear? For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ( Matthew 6:31-33)

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: the neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!" ( Luke 12:22-24)

"So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today." (Matthew 6:34)

"And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to the span of life?" ( Luke 12:25)

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid." ( John 14:27)

They make sense to me. Therefore, I shall concede to Tintin's piece of advice: It is not as if we're not going to get a job.

PS:

I am blaming The Perks of Being a Wallflower for being this unmotivated and depressed. So to anyone who will read that book, just make sure that you like what you are doing, and that you are not some hormonal psychopath like me.

Chasing Liberty

And so I failed.

I was supposed to inform the office manager that I am not going to continue working with the firm anymore. But then tons of work came. I forgot what I was supposed to accomplish today.

My day started with "Oh shit!" as I realized that it was already 7:30 in the morning and I have work. I stayed immobile for some 15 minutes to plan my strategy for the day. Should I drop the bomb to the manager first thing in the morning or should I wait until my paycheck is given? Should I leave my work at once or should I linger to finish my pending files? Should I do it or not? What are the pros and cons of leaving my job without any certainty about my future? That was the longest and the deepest 15 minutes of my life. Ever.

I dragged myself to work after that. The whole day was hazy for me since I was not myself and I was waiting for the right timing. All came swiftly. It all passed and went. But there are three things I can remember. First, my immediate superior started the day with, "Hoy Angeline! Madami kang rush." while I was having my coffee and small talk with two officemates. Second, the manager was cranky but he told me that I passed my first three months with flying colors. Third, I was swamped with work that I had no time to talk to the manager regarding my impending doom.

Aside from my failure to accomplish my personal task, I also failed to keep hope burning in my chest. I came to realize what a fool had I been last night. I totally busted my chance. So much for shooting for the moon, I guess.

Jack of All Trades, Master of None

I want so many things at once.

And it's not healthy anymore. I am too selfish for my own sake.

Perhaps my interviewer was right when he told me that I need to focus on my future and with what I really want with my life. I guess my resume is a solid proof that I have diverse interests ranging from Human Resource Management to Research and Writing. At first I thought it was cool, because I can be anything I want. But then, I came to realize that it was far from that. I remain to be jack of all trades, master of none

I tried to be an artist, a multimedia junkie, an educator, an anthropologist, a writer, and an employee. They all worked out for me, except for the latter part I think (refer to the previous entry). I just want to explore all my potentials and capabilities, because I want to tell my grandchildren in the future that I had been this and that. Unfortunately, companies want someone who has a direction in life. And that's not me.

I have no direction in life. I have no idea what my career will look like five to ten years from now. Mainly because I have simple needs and simple goals in life. I have not thought of buying a car, because all I need is a decent home where I can eat my mom's cuisine. I have not thought of staying in a company for more than five years, because I want to do something more humane than that. Life is too short only to be spent in a routinary job. I have not thought of any other long term goals because I only have one: to renovate our house. I mean it. I guess if I answered that to my (future) interviewers, they will never understand. Because they will expect my answer to be more work-related shit. I hate to disappoint, but yes. That's the only long term goal that I have in mind.

I have no direction in life, because I want to live life one day at a time. It's funny, because people want to do just that, but they can never understand what it means. I have no focus, because I want so many little things at once. But the thing is, I want only one big thing which people will never understand.

That is to be profound.

Red Light is All I Need

Do you really know what depression means?

Because it is something that I have been experiencing since I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I feel the need to find myself and to figure out what I really want to do with my life. I want to vanish for a while. I want to go to a place where I could totally unwind and think about my life in retrospect. I know that I do not have the liberties to do that because I have responsibilities with my family and all, but then reality is depressing me. I am an employee. And I am not growing.

There's nothing wrong with being an employee. What sucks is that my job is not something that I really want. I wake up everyday with a big question mark on my head. I wake up everyday feeling very tired and depressed. I drag myself to work because I know that it is something that I need to do for the sake of subsistence. It is just a routine. And I don't like routines. For three months, I have been doing this and that. But I am not growing anymore. I am stagnant. I am not learning because I don't like what I am doing for a living. Perhaps it has something to do with that.

Three months is a short period of time to learn, but I know it when I am not learning anymore. I know it when all I do is passive learning. It is not good. For the past eight years of my life, I do that. And it is not funny anymore. The real world is here. There's no school to house me in times of great depression, and there are no professors to blame for a failing grade. The real world is here and I am part of it. I only have myself to struggle with. I am the only one who can change my life. I am the captain of my soul, I am the master of my fate.

So tomorrow will be a make or break for me. Sure I have made friends at work, but it is time for me to decide for myself. I won't make the same mistake that I did back when I was in college. I have been playing safe all my life, that's why I am stuck in mediocrity. I wish I could make something happen tomorrow.

It is time to take the risk. It's good thing that I am depressed right now. I do stupid things when I am depressed. I just wish that hope won't die with me tomorrow.

Fast Forward

The funny thing about high school batchmates is that they never turn out to be what you expected them to be.

I was digging some old stuff from my high school days and I saw our yearbook. It was something that I haven't seen since forever, so I tried flipping through it, hoping that I would get some inspiration from what I used to be back then. Little did I know that it was the worst move I could ever muster.

I saw the page where my hideous picture was plastered. My hair was dead. It looked like a brush, a steel brush. My gums and teeth were big enough for two people. And my nose was pretty much non-existent. In short, I looked gruesome. Oh shit. I was a total loser back in high school (make that until college!) I was an invisible student. Not a geek, not a nerd, just a loser. I was (still am) socially awkward so to speak. I don't mingle much and I don't make friends (Okay, LOL for that.) So yeah, given that it was the first page that I saw, I immediately turned over to a random page.

Guess what I saw? Some high school batchmates who are currently having the time of their lives. It was funny to think of them that way, because they were far from what they used to be. Some of them were the ones who were least likely to get through the harsh claws of reality, but when I looked at them now, they actually made it with flying colors. Some of them went to Law and Medical school. Those people who did not talk much back then are the ones prospering right now. It was indeed the revenge of the nerds in the end.

Some of them definitely have a good future ahead. They are making the best of their choices and decisions, while here I am ogling on the past that I never can undo. While they get the taste of sweet life, I am stuck in a place called Mediocrity. I'd like to think of myself as late bloomer of some sort, but reality depresses me. I can't seem to get out of this phase. I am making myself believe that this is just a phase in my life. That this, too, shall pass.

I can dream, can't I?

Shakespeare, I need you now.

I am never good at making decisions. Never.

That's why I keep on stalling. But time is running out. I cannot pretend to be rich anymore by wasting it. I need to come up with a good decision now. Or else, I'd be making the same mistakes that I did when I was in college. That'd be awful.

Oh shit. I need to contemplate now. I only have three days to decide. To be or not to be: that is the question. On the side note, why would I keep on doing something that I do not love? Why?

Everything to Everyone

I always have the need to explain myself to people who do not even give a shit.

I want to be like Holden Caulfield so that I could pass off for being such a jackass most of the time. Unfortunately, I am far from being that person. I guess, I am more of Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower (I keep on typing wallpaper! Allahdammit.) I can be really dense and shithead sometimes, but I (try to) understand the people around me without even asking why. I always try to be sensitive, because I know I am far from it. I try to be patient, because I am not. I try to be objective, because I am an emotional person. I try to be a team player, because I prefer working alone (and am efficient that way.) I try to be mellow, because I can get pretty aggressive. I try to listen a lot, because my attention span is really screwed up. I try to be kind, because I am mean. I always try. I always try to be someone better so that I could make up for my weak points. And it is not easy.

It is never easy to be the understanding one. Who says so? Everyone expects me to be cool and apathetic at all times. That is just sad. Because whenever I become insensitive, impatient, emotional, anti-social, and aggressive, people fail to acknowledge the simple truth that I also have my shortcomings like everyone else. It happens all the time. All the time. It is as if I have "Doormat" written on my forehead.

I cannot always be everything to everyone. I wish I could say that to some Neanderthals (oh yes, they still exist!) But then, I am a victim of the label that I put on my humanity: Wallflower.

Do you know what sucks about being ultimately happy?

It is the sudden feeling of emptiness that comes after.

It was all yellow

I am feeling kind of blue.

This is one of those days when I just want to lie down and drown myself with sad songs and melodies that don't really mean a thing. I keep on regressing and reminiscing the past--the only thing that I could never get back. There is no pain. None at all. There's just a hallow feeling in me.

I keep on going back and reviewing my life years ago. What have I done? What mistakes have I committed? What stupid decisions have I made? What have I missed? It is too much for me. It is sad, but it does not hurt. It is just sad to think that they were nothing but memories. Memories that will make my existence a lot more meaningful. But soon they will fade just like me.

I go on thinking. I could ramble on and on, but I would not make sense anymore. There's just too much in nothingness. There's just too much in one emotion. And it's too much for one heart.

Sleep is for the Faint-Hearted

My mom always nags about the benefits of a good night sleep. Even my sister always asks me what do I get for sleeping late when I have to wake up early in the morning for work. Little did they know that is that I want doing things without them lurking on my back and asking me what I am doing/writing. I love it when time is at my mercy. I like it when it is quiet, I can do all the things I am about to do. I think I lose hours of awesomeness whenever I sleep. Though I am cranky whenever I lack sleep, I can put up with that. I get cranky at myself. Besides, why do I need to sleep at night when I can be sleep working during the day?

I will not be surprised if I die of Leukemia or severe Anemia (though I know that lack of sleep is not a cause of such disease.) At the very least, I will not be surprised if I get fired for being such a lousy employee (Oh gods, employee does not sound really friendly to me.) Not at all.

Burning the Bridges

Sitting, waiting, wishing...

I could use some good introductions right now like "I wish I could write like Edgar Allan Poe..." or "How does it feel to be always waiting for something that will never come?" or "Some stars are meant to fall and never to regain its twinkle," but I know I could not sustain that. I would be bastardizing a good start with a nonsensical follow ups. So better not to use any of them.

I am thinking of something witty or interesting to write about. I have thought of writing my obituary, but that's just so typical. I have thought of ranting about how my life sucks right now, but that's so whiny. I have thought of weaving words for my suicide note, but that's pathetic. I have thought of listing down what I did today (which is not interesting at all), but that's very lame. So, I decided on writing about nothing and something at the same time. What could that be?

Superman is Gay. This has been a theory since time immemorial. I have heard a lot of accounts regarding Superman's gender. There are a lot of debates going on the virtual world, but nothing beats the joke that I have heard from Infidel today (I guess, that's because it was the first time that I have heard of this joke!) It goes something like this (but not quite). There were some text missing, but get the point? That must have been the start of his "gayness." LOLJK. I also found a discussion on his gender over the internet. A serious discussion, dude. You can check it out here. Oh, pop culture! What the heck. I need Foucault or whoever gender theorists are available.

Blue streak. Ever heard of the expression talk a blue streak? Well, I haven't until Infidel told me about it. It means to say a lot very fast, to talk very much and very rapidly, in short--to blabber. But! It also means something other than its figurative meaning. Apparently, it is the term used to label the act of igniting one's fart. I kid you not. You can check this and that for further proof that one's fart is combustible. I also Googled on the matter (fart is the subject, my friend) and found an interesting link that can provide anyone a better understanding on fart. And yes, while I am writing this I am slashing my throat using a bread knife. Writing about fart is close to abomination and social suicide.

Dongca's Birthday!

Ber Months. I am never a fan of months with -ber on its end, because that only means one thing: Christmas. Though I am lusting for a long Holiday, I am not looking forward to Christmas for reasons I stated before. I am slowly turning into a Grinch. I have to endure the (repetitive) Christmas songs again. Oh. NO.

Want vs Need. My ultimate dilemma. Right now, I am contemplating on choosing which to acquire: a cellphone or a camera. I really want to have a Blackberry for a phone, but that's just not me. I mean, 2mp and not much of a mp3 player. So I think I will settle for Sony Ericsson Aino. As for the camera, well... That's different. I am lusting for Yashica FX-2 ever since I held it with my hands, but it is not practical to use film right now (unless I am a professional photographer.) So I (will) concede to Sir Abe's piece of advice: Go Digital. But then, I am having a hard time choosing which of the two (cellphone and camera) I will get. I can only have one! It is hard to choose.

This and That. November and December will be the death of me. I need to decide before November 11, 2010!!! Why is it hard to decide? Tell meeeee! WHY?

Oh shit. It's past 12am already! I failed to post this on the first day of September. Crap.