Can't Buy Me Love

December is for sissies! I am celebrating Sissy Month.

I was caught beneath the landslide of teenage angst and was drowned by waves of adolescent emotions. Too many decisions to make, yet so little time. Too many things to do, but no energy to move. I need more sleep, yet I can't waste my time dreaming of things I could never have. I am tired.

So much for youth. So much for wasted youth.

Edge of my Seat

Only few people are worth the effort, the time, and the shenanigans.

Sadly enough, you are not one of them. You never asked me if I am okay. You never did that, because you never really cared about me or about anyone. You never talked to me when you're okay and sober. You just talked to me whenever you have a fucking problem or whenever you needed someone who would listen to your crap. You saw me as someone who will listen to you whenever you want to rant. You only saw me as a wallflower, always ready to understand you, always ready to drop anything at your beck. You never saw me as an equal, because nobody can ever be your equal. Besides who I am to you anyway? I am just some dirtbag you can toss around whenever you are back to your fucking happy ways.

I was a friend to you, but you never were a friend to me. You never listened to me. It was always You because you are the center of the world. You never asked me, "What's wrong?" when I was deliberately telling you that I am fucking depressed. You did not even bother to pat my back, dude. Instead you asked me a far-fetched question directing to your greatness. You never cared that I was fucking my head with a steel bar just so I could get along with your mood swings. You did not even consider that I have a life and problems to deal with, that it was too much for me to do your stuff. I cannot fucking take it anymore

And you know what's the saddest part of it all? It is the fact that I allowed you to do that to me. At some point, I had my faults. I had been a doormat (because that's what I really am). But I can only take so much. I can never be that person anymore. I am tired of always having to consider your feelings before mine, of having to think about your opinions before I express mine, of having to put your needs before mine, and of having to be your shadow everytime. I am sick of it. I'm done with your selfishness and self-serving bias.

You weren't there when I was having a bout with depression. You weren't there when I can't feel my feet. You weren't there when I ate a pack of Cream-O in one sitting. You weren't there when I was thinking of dropping my major. You weren't there when my tummy went crazy. You weren't there when I had my heart broken. Maybe you cannot even understand the story behind these things, because you weren't there. You were simply not there for me.

Perhaps you will never understand me, but I don't care anymore. You can shit all you want, but you cannot move me. Not anymore.

Smells Like Teen Spirit

Ola! I cannot sleep (but my body is screaming R-E-S-T), that's why I am making a mixtape entitled Gloomy Sunday.

1. Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
2. Bon Jovi - It's My Life
3. U2 - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
4. REM - Everyone Hurts
5. U2 - Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of
6. Switchfoot - Edge of My Seat
7. Evanescence - All That I am Living For
8. Pink Floyd - Biding My Time
9. The Smiths - How Soon is Now
10. The Beatles - Strawberry Fields Forever
11. Elliott Smith - Passing Feeling
12. Remy Zero - Save Me
13. The Beatles - Help!

What do you think?

Fluorescent Adolescent

Somebody save me. I don't care how you do it. Just save me.

I want to go anywhere but here. I want to be part of something else. I want to see something new and something crazy. I want to participate in life. And I want to experience Charlie's I-feel-infinite moment. But the sad thing is, I am helpless.

Maybe it is the thing with depression. I keep on doing things I never want to do just to forget the things that I really want to do. I do things in order to compensate for the decisions I cannot make. I get sad, I get happy, I get cranky, I get apathetic over the fact that I am limited and that I do not act on it. One moment, I know what I am doing. Then the next minute, I am as lost as a three-year old kid. But I know that it is more than.

All my life people around me always tell me what to do and what not to do, what I can do and what I cannot do. I am tired being People's Puppet, but I am helpless. I do not want to disappoint them, that's the thing. That's the FUCKING THING. Emotional blackmails always work for me. Always. But I realized, how about my fucking feeling and my fucking life?

I am depressed and I do not want to talk to People, BUT NOBODY NOTICES THAT. I just want to be alone. I just want to lie on my bed and blind myself with Bewitched series or any old film. I want to vanish. I want to apparate. Or maybe be with people whom I trust my high-slash-drunken self with, and believe me there are only few people in that category. Or maybe I just want to forget everything.

"Obliviate!"

Tomorrow Never Knows

Imagination is running wild. Emotions are running high. Time is running out.

You closed your eyes. He opened his.

There was "Once a upon a time..." but there can never be "...and they live happily ever after." Perhaps it is the great "What if?" Perhaps he is "The One who got away." But there's no way that you'll ever find out why or how it is. You will simply never know. Not in this life time, not ever.

You opened your eyes, but he wasn't there anymore.

For No One

Dear Someone,

I can never that girl, can I?

With so much love,

Angel

Twist and Shout

For the love of everything, please don't let Zenki die on me.

I am fucking depressed right now. It is not because I am not happy with my life or anything related to that emo-fucking-excuse I have, but because of Zenki having a problem with his LCD. AGAIN.

More than a year ago, he also had this disease. Good thing, he was still under the warranty back then so I was able to send him to the specialist. But now. Exactly right now, his warranty expired. How fucked up can that be? Seriously. LCD is expensive, but I don't want him to die just yet. I have a lot of fond memories with him. He never failed me during my thesis days. He never gave up on his 7-day thesis/papers marathon. He was always there for me when I needed him. He did not go ballistic on me when I was downloading a lot of files (which leads me to realize that I haven't erased anything from his memory since I got him).

I am thinking of buying a new laptop (like a MacPro perhaps? LOLJK), but... I am happy with Zenki. I cannot say goodbye to him. I am contented with his performance. I love him and I am serious. He is still running fast, only that his LCD is a bit schizophrenic. Such an asshole. I wish I could find another LCD for him. I wish I could. And I wish it is not as expensive as I think it is. I must bring Zenki to the doctor tomorrow. :(

How I wish there's a miracle and that he's still under the (extended) warranty. Wishful thinking, I need you now.

Happiness is a Warm Gun

A friend once told me, "You're only young once."

I am only young once, so I might as well enjoy it. To bummer days and beyond!

Stupid Cupid

Love could be the most beautiful feeling ever...or it could be the most terrifying.

Either way, love is the most confusing and the most complex feeling of all. The rush, the thump, the rose-colored glasses, then the uncertainty, the fear, the anxiety--these emotions fill up your heart as butterflies swirl in your stomach.

You see him. Your heart skip a bit. You take a deep breath. You stare at him, and suddenly you hear music in the background. It is the kind of music that only people (falling) in love can hear. The kind of music that makes a heart swell with overwhelming emotions. Everything fades into the background. There's only one dimension--He. Everything's on slow motion as he walks towards you. He is smiling his lopsided smile, the smile that won your heart from the very start. He waves at you. You smile back, failing to wave in return because you don't have the energy to do so. You hear your heart stumping like crazy. You hold your breath, anticipating, waiting for him.

Then, the future flashes before you. You are spending your life with him. You have two kids. You are living in a two-story yellow house with a big garage and a well-maintained garden. Your family owns a dog named Bully. He is the youngest partner in a well-known law firm in the city, while you are making your way in publishing industry. You talk about random things every night before going to sleep. You cook breakfast for him and the kids every morning and make sure that they do not forget anything before they leave. You stay at home, writing your new novel. During weekends, he cooks for the family. He makes time for you and the kids. He is the one in-charge during the weekends. He makes you feel like a queen. He takes you out to dinner sometimes while the kids stay over at their grandparents' place. But most of the time, you spend the time together as one happy family.

Sometimes you argue over silly things, but make up after everything is cleared. Your life together as a couple is pretty usual, only that the love you have for each other has not faded, not a bit. Time passes. Your kids turn into adults. Still, the two of you is together. You still listen to your favorite songs together. You two still hold hand and share the same dream together. He is old. You are old. But time is nothing. He smiles at you, his eyes glisten with unwavering love. You smile back, knowing that you have made the right decision to fight for him long ago.

Now, he's in front of you. His smile has not faded. His eyes shimmer with happiness and excitement. You gaze at him, longing, gaping, thinking of what to say. You heart is in your throat.

Five years is a long time. Yet, you are falling in love with him over again. You feel your gut tighten. Then, there comes fear. You are supposed to take this chance to tell him what you feel. You are supposed to tell him you love him, but you cannot. You fear his rejection. But it is now or never. You open your mouth to say the words you long to say for five years. Just when the first word is slipping off of your lips, a girl comes into the picture. He put his right arm over her shoulders and gives her a peck on her lips. He introduces you to her. You smile. She smiles. He says something to you, but you cannot hear any of it. Your ears stop functioning. You cannot move. You are staring at them, yet you cannot see. Your heart has been crashed. Your hopes died. Everything in you is breaking into pieces. Pain is eating you away. It is not jealousy, it is pure pain and heartache. You wish everything is just a dream, a very bad dream. But you know that the pain is real, way too real.

But of course, you know that none of these are true. That all of these just happen in your mind. You just make these up. You are not in love. You are not hurt. You are just bored and maybe a little bit hormonal. There is no "He," because "He" only exists in your imagination. The emotions you've created are just words without meaning, nothing more. You lie on your bed, shake off any remaining ideas in your head, and sleep. You sleep until you don't feel alone and lonely anymore. You sleep until you are in that familiar world again. A world where love is not confusing and complex. You sleep, and worry no more.

Just My Imagination

Everyday is a learning process.

Learning does not simply stop after graduating from school. Learning is infinite, just like the human mind. I admit, I do not know everything. I am no Thomas Jefferson. But I want to learn. I want to know a lot of things. I love to be able to understand everything and anything. And in learning, everything is beneficial. Everything, even the darnest thing, has wisdom and knowledge in it. Everything. The only challenge for human is how to see it.

I want to learn and to be able to remember every single information as long as I live. But my brain cells are not doing a good job in retaining my memory. At a young age, I am starting to be forgetful. I am a healthy young person, so there's no way I can have Alzheimer's Disease right now. It is just impossible unless I am Benjamin Button. But I am not him. So the only excuse I have for being so forgetful or just plain stupid most of the time is the fact that I tend to think a lot. Yes, I think a lot though it does not show. I have many things in my head that I cannot put on hold once they started screaming at each other. I have a machine-like brain that works 24/7. It is a dysfunctional machine though. I keep forgetting things no matter how hard I try to remember them.

Perhaps I should concede to Sherlock Holmes' piece of advice: Remember only important things, keep the rest in a safety box that you may need them someday.

Talk is Cheap

For the most part of my existence, I am confused.

What should I expect? After all, I am just a 20-year old adolescent who is torn between social responsibilities and personal responsibilities. I can be as confused as anyone else. They say life starts at 40. I still have 20 years left to waste, so to speak. And another 20 years to live Life before I die. But do I really want to waste 20 years for nothing? Can I stand living in this could of confusion for another long period of time? Is that what I really want?

I am a great mass of cloud. I have no form. I have no direction. I adapt to my environment. I don't claim my own personality. I cannot. But I want to be someone else. Not in the sense that I want live a different life in different time, I just want to be somebody whom I love to the core. And in order to be that someone, I need to decide and to act now. It's tough, but nobody said it was easy.

I am taking baby steps. I don't want to take a giant leap. I am not Neil Armstrong, so I'll pass that thing. I am nearing a decision. I've done this long time ago, but I just don't have the guts to do so. I think I know what I want now. I have wanted this long time ago, I just forgot about it. Certain things clouded my head and led me nowhere. But now, it came to me: I want to be a Visual Anthropologist.

This is what I wrote a year ago. I think I had it all figured out before, of course I was wrong. I am living in a fast-paced world where forgetting is as normal as breathing. It makes me sad how much conviction I had when I wrote this piece of crap. It was an epiphany. A eureka moment. But like any great inventions, it is destined to be put into oblivion. That's what sucks.

I just hope that this time I will pull this one off, that this time I will follow my dreams and will make sure that it will happen. I wish I had enough guts to abandon social constraints and go for it. But I guess, these words have no meaning until I act. And that's exactly the challenge for me.

I don't want to be confused anymore. I do not want to wait until I am 40 to realize what it takes to really live.

Saturday High

I hate to brag, but I just had a productive Saturday. I woke earlier than my usual Saturday waking up time.

I just ate lunch, and picked up where I left off at Kafka on the Shore. Before long, I realized that I am done with it. I felt a little sad over the book. The end justified the whole story. Only few books have that quality, I guess. Having read it was one hell of ride to consciousness and humanity. It kept me from asking why, and just led me to accept the fact that everything happens for some contorted reasons, which human mind cannot grasp. I felt like Kafka Tamura all throughout the story. I feel his emotions. I understand what he thinks. And maybe, I am Kafka Tamura in many ways. Perhaps Kafka Tamura is my metaphor, my exact metaphor.

After much realizations in life, I decided to watch a little bit about Woodstock. There are a lot of good songs in the clip. And a lot of quotations, too. This one's my favorite as of the moment.

Also, I finished watching Sister Act 2 (at long last!!!). I devoured the whole movie in one sitting, pretty much a challenge for me if I must say. Music Ass made me laugh. I just remembered that when I was in grade school and high school, I loathed Music subject. I had a hard time staying awake during that subject. All we talked about were Bach, Haydn, Beethoven, and other classical musicians. That was a traumatic experience for me. But then, when I got old, I came to like music itself. One major factor is that I just listened to it without minding the technicalities of it.

I cannot say more to a productive day. I feel as though I am beginning to get the momentum again, but I do not want to get ahead of myself now. I'll just let things unfold before me and do whatever that I like...for now.

I am the Walrus

I am in a limbo.

I am in a limbo, a world where I can do anything I want without any prejudice. I am in a world where everything is calm. Time does not matter here. Nothing is impossible. Everything can happen if I want to. I am the Lord of the Sea, the God of the Sky, the Emperor of Hell. I am everything. In this world, I can be whoever I want to be. I can do whatever I want to do. No restrictions. No holds barred.

I am infinite. I am part of everything, and everything is part of me. I am part of a whole, and the whole is a part of me. In this kind of world that I created, there is no judgment. No concept of right and wrong, moral and immoral, good or bad. There is just humanity. There is just freedom without responsibility. It is freedom in its purest and truest sense. I am free, truly free. I am part of everything, but I am free.

I am the Walrus. I am free. There is no law. No prejudice. No rules to bind me to majority of the human population. I am just me, naked from all the social norms and social responsibilities. Nothing matters, and nothing means anything. I am a floating entity, lost in transition.

Nothingness confuses the mind, emptiness tears the soul. But still, I stay in this kind of world.

This is Why I'm Fat

After a week of recovering from hell files, I am bracing myself for another visit to hell next week.

This is the best that I can do with my area as of the moment, so pardon the shabbiness of it. I know that's one messy table, but the space is really not enough. That's an understatement, mind you. There are (rare) occasions though when my work space is as neat as a (private) hospital room.

Due to stress and lack of sleep, I noticed that I am having a problem staying awake while working. That's why I decided to give myself a strong shot of coffee. I named myself Bruno. Yes, the Barista was so game about it that he actually put it on. It was an effective upper...for about two hours. After that, I was dozing off again. Good thing my tummy has a love-hate relationship with coffee (and milk). So I spent the latter part of the day going to the comfort room, which kept me awake most of the time.

As for lunch, Tin and KC treated us (Riel, Iris, Sally, and I) to North Park. Good food is good food, I must say. I like their 3 kinds of mushroom--poisonous, slightly poisonous, and not poisonous. I cannot remember what we ate, but they're pretty much tasteful. I am not into Chinese Food, but I really had fun with North Park Special Fried Rice with Sauce.

And before I forget, it was Big Boss' birthday last Wednesday so he treated us (the whole office) to lunch at Max's. I was intending to take a picture of the food that I ate, but decided against it. Instead, I took this photo just to be disgusting and different. So yeah, whatever.

I noticed that I tend to eat a lot when I am stressed. Maybe that explains my beer belly.

Killing the Buzz

Wake me up when October ends.

October 2010 is being a bitch on me. I started it with a bang, and will probably end it with another bang. This month is the worst I've ever had in my entire 20 years of existence. It already topped my March 2008 shit load. I had the roughest weeks this month, and will have another (and hopefully, the last!) screwed up and tiring week whether in the work place or at home.

So far, October is not getting any better for me. The hate fest still continues. And there's this kind of "Revolution" that I am going through. Not that it matters to anyone, but I am pretty fed up with my life. Sounds like teenage shit all over again, right? I know it's immature, but right now, I just feel like that. Maybe it has something to do with my crappy internet connection that keeps on letting me down for the past few days. To think that I am paying the priciest plan there is. So much for "good" advertising, I guess. I just feel tired in general. And I am too young to feel this kind of tiredness. I wish there's an end to this stupid month. Please let this month end soon.

I am emotionally drained, but I can still feel. And that what sucks the most. Being emotionally battered. I usually don't go on telling anyone (not even my closest friends) about the burdens I have, because I know that they have their own set of problems too. I just shrug it off most of the time. I sleep until it passes. However, my defense mechanisms have reached their saturation point. They don't work out anymore. And now, I feel the need to explain to everyone what I am going through. No one will fully listen, of course. That's why I am putting these shits in words, hoping that words will take away what I am feeling right now. But words are never enough.

Perhaps I should just listen to Mozart's Fur Elise now and shut up. Or grab and watch that Sister Act 2 DVD for a change. Ktnxbye.

Backlog Please

I hate the internet!

I have had unproductive weekends because of my addiction to the virtual world. I should probably be cursed for dragging myself into this kind of stagnation. I have a lot of interesting things to during weekends, but I still have not accomplished anything because of the internet. There are so many things on the internet that's why it's hard for me to get out in front of my computer most of the time. Ahhh! I am doomed.

I am in the doldrums. I need a fix. I certainly need something to remind me of the things that I really want to do. Hm. Perhaps this blog entry will remind me of that, ne? I need to do some reading and watching.

I am currently drowning in my books. But yeah, I am done with The Perks of Being a Wallflower long time ago. And I am currently in the middle of reading Kafka on the Shore and To Kill a Mockingbird. Yes, I read two (or more) books at once. My attention span needs rewiring.

Of course, I need to get back to DVD marathon. Dang! I lost my touch in this recently. Thus, I am keeping an eye on these DVDs. Hmm. Though I am done with Across the Universe and Janis, I still have a lot of movies/documentaries to catch up. Define backlog.

I am hoping that when I log on the internet, I will see this. So that I can remind myself to do something else other than lurking on the net and stalking people.

Material Girl

October is not exactly my month.

On the first day of this month, I spent more than I could save for a phone that's not really universal. I should have given more faith in my philosophy ("Never spend on the first day of the month.") than in impulses. I should have known better than spending on the first day of a month. Now, I must suffer the consequences of going against my principle: I am broke.

Well, not exactly. I recuperated after two weeks. Thanks to my meager salary as an employee. Panic-stricken by the recent financial crash down, I planned everything ahead as I got my paycheck. I vowed not to spend on things that I don't really need. I paid the bills including my sister's Field Trip fee (yeah, I have to include that!) I promised to budget my allowance for two weeks. In short, I resurrected my savings. Only for two days.

Things got a little rough when I craved for french fries at McDonalds after I paid the bills. So I, together with my mom, headed out to the nearest Mcdo and ate a quater pounder and a cheeseburger. So much for the hungry tummies, I guess.

With my tummy full of junk food, I had the energy to roam around the mall and to do window shopping (it was the least that I can do since I intend to cut my expenses this time). Little did I know that it is not a great idea as I saw this pair of shoes.

It was love at first sight. I do not know how that happened, but yes. I fell in love with the shoes and thought I could do the tap dance with it. I think like an Irish, you know. Once upon a time, I did not understand why girls love shoes. But seeing this pair of shoes, I got the answer. In short, I bought the shoes. But my mom coaxed me into buying a gray bag to pair with my new shoes.

I can easily be convinced, that's why I ended up buying a gray bag...and a black one, too. And now I am broke. I need to save up again. Damned decision making skills. I just remembered that I still have a Batangas get-away to save up for. Now, I am screwed. So much for reading a lot of news regarding Finance and Savings. I totally banged up my savings. This is why I hate going to the malls. It is either I end up lusting over things that I do not need or I end up being broke.

Note to self: No to impulsive buying! (Now playing: Material Girl)

My kind of Strawberry Field

"Living is easy with eyes closed."

I survived hell week! A week of agitation and non-existent social life due to hell files. I am just so glad that it's over now. Goddamn lot files. I felt zombie for the entire week. So yeah, that's why I am treating myself with... BEATLES!

Apparently, I have been listening to a lot of Beatles songs since god knows when. But I can't still get enough of this addiction. So, just imagine my glee when The Infidel sent me a copy of Across the Universe starring Jim Sturgess and Evan Rachel Wood.

Well. There's nothing really unique about the storyline of the movie. It is pure crap. Perhaps the writers of the movie were overwhelmed by the greatness of the every song. But! The music is good. The songs are well-chosen. And boy, it is psychedelic. It is rare for any artist to re-do and to give justice to the songs that are bigger than history. But yes, the artists in this movie actually pulled it off. I was amazed at how they did that. They have soul when they sing. They wear their hearts on their sleeves as they say each word in the lyrics. Ahhh. Too much!

I actually like their version of Revolution, I want you (She's So Heavy), Happiness is a Warm Gun, I am the Walrus, Girl, Come together, Hold me tight, A Little Help from my friends, Oh! Darling, While My Guitar Gently Weeps, All We Need is Love, and the medley of Helter Skelter and Across the Universe. I basically like all the versions of Beatle songs in this flick.

The movie in general is so-so. But yeah, I kinda like it because of the songs. I am biased like that.

Hatefest

Always love. Hate will get you anytime. Always love.

I am slowly turning into someone I hate. No, I do not hate myself (at least, not yet). I am to vain to do just that. It just came into my little brain how much I have changed since I started working. I am a lot crankier and harsher now. I am easily agitated and provoked. I hate too much now. And it is not something that I am happy with.

I am turning into a monster. Please. Somebody save me. But maybe, I only have myself to struggle with.

Supernova

"Sige, papatayin kita!" (In english, I'll kill you!)

I never thought of myself as a violent person, but I scared myself with what I shouted a while back. Three words. Three deadly words. It was not that first time that I spoke of those words, but sure it was the first time that I really meant it.

I am emotional, but I am not violent. That's why I cannot grasp the reason why I said those horrible things. What's worse is that I do not feel any regret or remorse after those words slip from my lips. What I felt was a slow and melting relief as if I had been freed from whatever that was holding me back. The sensation was liberating. The feeling was magical. Then, realization dawned on me--I have too much hatred in my heart.

Perhaps it was because I tend to keep everything to myself. I usually drown my emotions with beer and vices, keeping my mouth shut. I usually go back to my shell, and hide there until the sea calms. I turn into this massive ball of curl, not letting anyone in. I curl like a fetus until my logic and rationality return to me. Slowly, I was turning myself into a blackhole. A blackhole that's just waiting to explode.

And then the explosion came. All the emotions I bottled up were summarized in three dreadful words. Maybe it was not really the message I wanted to say, but at that time, it was the perfect expression I could come up with. The expression was not classy. It was not even witty. It was just as savage as hatred and angst. And yet, that instance was the most profound moment in my life, and probably the most harsh, too.

I don't have regrets though. They were only words, but as the old saying goes, "The pen is mightier than the sword." I should probably do some rewiring in my brain. But yeah, I am tired of explaining myself. Ktnxbyedying.

Forgive and Forget. It is pure bullshit.

Cheers to Productive Weekend

Here is to a productive weekend!

I made a list of things to do the other day since I realized that I have not accomplished anything sensational since I started working. And guess what? I already finished reading What-the-dickens by Gregory Maguire and watching The Roman Holiday. Pretty cool. I am actually following my schedule. That's the first! I just hope ADHD won't prevail this time.

And yes, I am about to write a review on What-the-dickens and The Roman Holiday, but I am running out of time (as if I am renting a computer in a computer shop LOLJK). I have an early day tomorrow and I need to sleep now. As in right now, or else I will get cranky tomorrow. Dang. Sundays and Mondays are really not my day.

So long and goodbye. I am taking Kafka on the Shore with me to sleep.

Miss Misery

Lost conviction is lost humanity.

Life flashes before me. Then everything changes in an instant.

There is no magic anymore. The only thing left is a black hole where everything goes in and never comes back. There is no moment of clarity, no screaming truths, and no more epiphanies. Just confusion and lies all over again. Just that. And no more.

It stops there and proceeds no more. Indeed, a dead end.

Noodle Breakout

I had too much noodles and MSG for the night. So pardon my line of thoughts.

There are only two things that I want in life right now: Canon 1000D and Yashica FX 2.

I am so sorry for being materialistic these past days, but I really want these babies (especially the latter!) As I said before, I am torn between buying myself a new phone (need) and buying a camera (want). Apparently, Want won over Need. Talk about priorities in life. So I gave in to my inner evils. I need to see something empirical as the product of my meager salary. I need to see a product of my hard work. And it should be something that I want so that I could feel a little worth in my job.

In other news, I probably should get a passport now so that I could avail those cheap plane tickets bound somewhere beyond Philippine Area of responsibility. I should have done this when I was still in college, but I did not. Because back then, I was so blinded by the thought that I will not need a passport since I am not going anywhere but here (and that I might die if I ride a plane.) Little did I know that Real World will change my perspective. Now I want to go to Japan and Singapore (and maybe Africa) for some "anthropological" reasons. Thinking about it now, I want to punch the college version of myself for being so lazy. Good thing there's online application now.

Life flashes a sardonic smile

I find it amazing how people can grow up and mature in a short period of time.

Just six months ago, my friends and I were gushing about skipping classes, hang overs, exams, thesis, papers, and sleepless nights. But now, we often discuss investments, money, career, and other stuff that only "old" people can understand.

It is funny in a harsh way. Because as everything sinks into my head, I am coming to a conclusion that we are now deduced to something far from our fun-loving selves before. Everything becomes complicated. From long exams to thesis, we are now faced with more serious things like surviving life with meager salary, paying the bills, making up to our parents aka paying back (though this one is optional), making the means and ends meet, getting along with a lot of superficial people, understanding the system, and letting it beat you up. We forget our dreams. Then, we become victims of capitalism.

Which leads me to respect every single soul who has the courage to take the step to become what s/he wants to be. I salute people who do what they love to do despite economic struggles. I look up to people who ditch a sucky job to do what their hearts really desire. Only few people can do that.

To Capitalism and beyond!

I am a battered wife.

I decided to stay.

I just woke up this morning feeling a bit okay. It took me one Albert Einstein, a 7-hour sleep, some verses, and another 15 minutes to think over my life. Perhaps I am inconsistent and indecisive. But can you blame me for feeling such? I am just a struggling artists living as a corporate slave. My future is blurred.

I feel like a battered housewife. I am helpless over the fact that I cannot move on. I have other options, but I decided to stay, because I don't want to be broke. And being broke is something I don't want to experience ever again (okay, that was, of course, a sarcasm). Seriously, a lot of (working class) people feel this way. It is the strangling thought: If I resign now, I will have a hard time getting a new job. Only few have the guts to venture the path of the unknown, and I am not one of them.

By staying, I admit that I am a coward. I don't have the nerve to go and chase after what I really want. By staying, I admit that perhaps money weighs more than happiness sometimes. LOLJK. By staying, I admit that I want the best of both worlds.

But then, I am not staying for good. I will psych myself so that I could unlearn this helplessness that I feel. I will only stay until "such time" has come. Perhaps until then, I can truly decide.

Clean Slate

Hoping against hope.

The perfect phrase to describe my emotion right now. In a matter of 24 hours, I will be jobless. I am actually scared of joining the bum force. Mainly because I don't want to be broke again.

So okay. I have been thinking most of the day about my decision. I know for a fact that my current job experience will have no bearing on the field that I want to enter. I want Research and Writing. Period. And this is far from being a Researcher/Writer. It's the main point that I have been telling myself for the whole day just to make myself feel less afraid of being broke for the coming months. Other than that, I have nothing else to say.

Apparently, I am still not decided. I can still feel a flickering hesitation in my chest. Is this the best decision I can come up with right now? Do I still have any other options? And yes, that's just me making myself a lot confused that before. I am not decided yet, but every time I think about my deteriorating health and state of mind, I just feel tired and depressed. And that's not healthy. So by stating this, I think I will take the path less traveled tomorrow. I have thought about this for the whole day while reading Albert Einstein Biography. Enough said.

I just hope that whatever happens, I won't regret it for the rest of my life.

In which case, I shall drop some verses from the Bible:

"Therefore do not worry, saying, ; What will we eat?' or 'What will we wear? For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ( Matthew 6:31-33)

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: the neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!" ( Luke 12:22-24)

"So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today." (Matthew 6:34)

"And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to the span of life?" ( Luke 12:25)

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid." ( John 14:27)

They make sense to me. Therefore, I shall concede to Tintin's piece of advice: It is not as if we're not going to get a job.

PS:

I am blaming The Perks of Being a Wallflower for being this unmotivated and depressed. So to anyone who will read that book, just make sure that you like what you are doing, and that you are not some hormonal psychopath like me.

Chasing Liberty

And so I failed.

I was supposed to inform the office manager that I am not going to continue working with the firm anymore. But then tons of work came. I forgot what I was supposed to accomplish today.

My day started with "Oh shit!" as I realized that it was already 7:30 in the morning and I have work. I stayed immobile for some 15 minutes to plan my strategy for the day. Should I drop the bomb to the manager first thing in the morning or should I wait until my paycheck is given? Should I leave my work at once or should I linger to finish my pending files? Should I do it or not? What are the pros and cons of leaving my job without any certainty about my future? That was the longest and the deepest 15 minutes of my life. Ever.

I dragged myself to work after that. The whole day was hazy for me since I was not myself and I was waiting for the right timing. All came swiftly. It all passed and went. But there are three things I can remember. First, my immediate superior started the day with, "Hoy Angeline! Madami kang rush." while I was having my coffee and small talk with two officemates. Second, the manager was cranky but he told me that I passed my first three months with flying colors. Third, I was swamped with work that I had no time to talk to the manager regarding my impending doom.

Aside from my failure to accomplish my personal task, I also failed to keep hope burning in my chest. I came to realize what a fool had I been last night. I totally busted my chance. So much for shooting for the moon, I guess.

Jack of All Trades, Master of None

I want so many things at once.

And it's not healthy anymore. I am too selfish for my own sake.

Perhaps my interviewer was right when he told me that I need to focus on my future and with what I really want with my life. I guess my resume is a solid proof that I have diverse interests ranging from Human Resource Management to Research and Writing. At first I thought it was cool, because I can be anything I want. But then, I came to realize that it was far from that. I remain to be jack of all trades, master of none

I tried to be an artist, a multimedia junkie, an educator, an anthropologist, a writer, and an employee. They all worked out for me, except for the latter part I think (refer to the previous entry). I just want to explore all my potentials and capabilities, because I want to tell my grandchildren in the future that I had been this and that. Unfortunately, companies want someone who has a direction in life. And that's not me.

I have no direction in life. I have no idea what my career will look like five to ten years from now. Mainly because I have simple needs and simple goals in life. I have not thought of buying a car, because all I need is a decent home where I can eat my mom's cuisine. I have not thought of staying in a company for more than five years, because I want to do something more humane than that. Life is too short only to be spent in a routinary job. I have not thought of any other long term goals because I only have one: to renovate our house. I mean it. I guess if I answered that to my (future) interviewers, they will never understand. Because they will expect my answer to be more work-related shit. I hate to disappoint, but yes. That's the only long term goal that I have in mind.

I have no direction in life, because I want to live life one day at a time. It's funny, because people want to do just that, but they can never understand what it means. I have no focus, because I want so many little things at once. But the thing is, I want only one big thing which people will never understand.

That is to be profound.

Red Light is All I Need

Do you really know what depression means?

Because it is something that I have been experiencing since I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I feel the need to find myself and to figure out what I really want to do with my life. I want to vanish for a while. I want to go to a place where I could totally unwind and think about my life in retrospect. I know that I do not have the liberties to do that because I have responsibilities with my family and all, but then reality is depressing me. I am an employee. And I am not growing.

There's nothing wrong with being an employee. What sucks is that my job is not something that I really want. I wake up everyday with a big question mark on my head. I wake up everyday feeling very tired and depressed. I drag myself to work because I know that it is something that I need to do for the sake of subsistence. It is just a routine. And I don't like routines. For three months, I have been doing this and that. But I am not growing anymore. I am stagnant. I am not learning because I don't like what I am doing for a living. Perhaps it has something to do with that.

Three months is a short period of time to learn, but I know it when I am not learning anymore. I know it when all I do is passive learning. It is not good. For the past eight years of my life, I do that. And it is not funny anymore. The real world is here. There's no school to house me in times of great depression, and there are no professors to blame for a failing grade. The real world is here and I am part of it. I only have myself to struggle with. I am the only one who can change my life. I am the captain of my soul, I am the master of my fate.

So tomorrow will be a make or break for me. Sure I have made friends at work, but it is time for me to decide for myself. I won't make the same mistake that I did back when I was in college. I have been playing safe all my life, that's why I am stuck in mediocrity. I wish I could make something happen tomorrow.

It is time to take the risk. It's good thing that I am depressed right now. I do stupid things when I am depressed. I just wish that hope won't die with me tomorrow.

Fast Forward

The funny thing about high school batchmates is that they never turn out to be what you expected them to be.

I was digging some old stuff from my high school days and I saw our yearbook. It was something that I haven't seen since forever, so I tried flipping through it, hoping that I would get some inspiration from what I used to be back then. Little did I know that it was the worst move I could ever muster.

I saw the page where my hideous picture was plastered. My hair was dead. It looked like a brush, a steel brush. My gums and teeth were big enough for two people. And my nose was pretty much non-existent. In short, I looked gruesome. Oh shit. I was a total loser back in high school (make that until college!) I was an invisible student. Not a geek, not a nerd, just a loser. I was (still am) socially awkward so to speak. I don't mingle much and I don't make friends (Okay, LOL for that.) So yeah, given that it was the first page that I saw, I immediately turned over to a random page.

Guess what I saw? Some high school batchmates who are currently having the time of their lives. It was funny to think of them that way, because they were far from what they used to be. Some of them were the ones who were least likely to get through the harsh claws of reality, but when I looked at them now, they actually made it with flying colors. Some of them went to Law and Medical school. Those people who did not talk much back then are the ones prospering right now. It was indeed the revenge of the nerds in the end.

Some of them definitely have a good future ahead. They are making the best of their choices and decisions, while here I am ogling on the past that I never can undo. While they get the taste of sweet life, I am stuck in a place called Mediocrity. I'd like to think of myself as late bloomer of some sort, but reality depresses me. I can't seem to get out of this phase. I am making myself believe that this is just a phase in my life. That this, too, shall pass.

I can dream, can't I?

Shakespeare, I need you now.

I am never good at making decisions. Never.

That's why I keep on stalling. But time is running out. I cannot pretend to be rich anymore by wasting it. I need to come up with a good decision now. Or else, I'd be making the same mistakes that I did when I was in college. That'd be awful.

Oh shit. I need to contemplate now. I only have three days to decide. To be or not to be: that is the question. On the side note, why would I keep on doing something that I do not love? Why?

Everything to Everyone

I always have the need to explain myself to people who do not even give a shit.

I want to be like Holden Caulfield so that I could pass off for being such a jackass most of the time. Unfortunately, I am far from being that person. I guess, I am more of Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower (I keep on typing wallpaper! Allahdammit.) I can be really dense and shithead sometimes, but I (try to) understand the people around me without even asking why. I always try to be sensitive, because I know I am far from it. I try to be patient, because I am not. I try to be objective, because I am an emotional person. I try to be a team player, because I prefer working alone (and am efficient that way.) I try to be mellow, because I can get pretty aggressive. I try to listen a lot, because my attention span is really screwed up. I try to be kind, because I am mean. I always try. I always try to be someone better so that I could make up for my weak points. And it is not easy.

It is never easy to be the understanding one. Who says so? Everyone expects me to be cool and apathetic at all times. That is just sad. Because whenever I become insensitive, impatient, emotional, anti-social, and aggressive, people fail to acknowledge the simple truth that I also have my shortcomings like everyone else. It happens all the time. All the time. It is as if I have "Doormat" written on my forehead.

I cannot always be everything to everyone. I wish I could say that to some Neanderthals (oh yes, they still exist!) But then, I am a victim of the label that I put on my humanity: Wallflower.

Do you know what sucks about being ultimately happy?

It is the sudden feeling of emptiness that comes after.

It was all yellow

I am feeling kind of blue.

This is one of those days when I just want to lie down and drown myself with sad songs and melodies that don't really mean a thing. I keep on regressing and reminiscing the past--the only thing that I could never get back. There is no pain. None at all. There's just a hallow feeling in me.

I keep on going back and reviewing my life years ago. What have I done? What mistakes have I committed? What stupid decisions have I made? What have I missed? It is too much for me. It is sad, but it does not hurt. It is just sad to think that they were nothing but memories. Memories that will make my existence a lot more meaningful. But soon they will fade just like me.

I go on thinking. I could ramble on and on, but I would not make sense anymore. There's just too much in nothingness. There's just too much in one emotion. And it's too much for one heart.

Sleep is for the Faint-Hearted

My mom always nags about the benefits of a good night sleep. Even my sister always asks me what do I get for sleeping late when I have to wake up early in the morning for work. Little did they know that is that I want doing things without them lurking on my back and asking me what I am doing/writing. I love it when time is at my mercy. I like it when it is quiet, I can do all the things I am about to do. I think I lose hours of awesomeness whenever I sleep. Though I am cranky whenever I lack sleep, I can put up with that. I get cranky at myself. Besides, why do I need to sleep at night when I can be sleep working during the day?

I will not be surprised if I die of Leukemia or severe Anemia (though I know that lack of sleep is not a cause of such disease.) At the very least, I will not be surprised if I get fired for being such a lousy employee (Oh gods, employee does not sound really friendly to me.) Not at all.

Burning the Bridges

Sitting, waiting, wishing...

I could use some good introductions right now like "I wish I could write like Edgar Allan Poe..." or "How does it feel to be always waiting for something that will never come?" or "Some stars are meant to fall and never to regain its twinkle," but I know I could not sustain that. I would be bastardizing a good start with a nonsensical follow ups. So better not to use any of them.

I am thinking of something witty or interesting to write about. I have thought of writing my obituary, but that's just so typical. I have thought of ranting about how my life sucks right now, but that's so whiny. I have thought of weaving words for my suicide note, but that's pathetic. I have thought of listing down what I did today (which is not interesting at all), but that's very lame. So, I decided on writing about nothing and something at the same time. What could that be?

Superman is Gay. This has been a theory since time immemorial. I have heard a lot of accounts regarding Superman's gender. There are a lot of debates going on the virtual world, but nothing beats the joke that I have heard from Infidel today (I guess, that's because it was the first time that I have heard of this joke!) It goes something like this (but not quite). There were some text missing, but get the point? That must have been the start of his "gayness." LOLJK. I also found a discussion on his gender over the internet. A serious discussion, dude. You can check it out here. Oh, pop culture! What the heck. I need Foucault or whoever gender theorists are available.

Blue streak. Ever heard of the expression talk a blue streak? Well, I haven't until Infidel told me about it. It means to say a lot very fast, to talk very much and very rapidly, in short--to blabber. But! It also means something other than its figurative meaning. Apparently, it is the term used to label the act of igniting one's fart. I kid you not. You can check this and that for further proof that one's fart is combustible. I also Googled on the matter (fart is the subject, my friend) and found an interesting link that can provide anyone a better understanding on fart. And yes, while I am writing this I am slashing my throat using a bread knife. Writing about fart is close to abomination and social suicide.

Dongca's Birthday!

Ber Months. I am never a fan of months with -ber on its end, because that only means one thing: Christmas. Though I am lusting for a long Holiday, I am not looking forward to Christmas for reasons I stated before. I am slowly turning into a Grinch. I have to endure the (repetitive) Christmas songs again. Oh. NO.

Want vs Need. My ultimate dilemma. Right now, I am contemplating on choosing which to acquire: a cellphone or a camera. I really want to have a Blackberry for a phone, but that's just not me. I mean, 2mp and not much of a mp3 player. So I think I will settle for Sony Ericsson Aino. As for the camera, well... That's different. I am lusting for Yashica FX-2 ever since I held it with my hands, but it is not practical to use film right now (unless I am a professional photographer.) So I (will) concede to Sir Abe's piece of advice: Go Digital. But then, I am having a hard time choosing which of the two (cellphone and camera) I will get. I can only have one! It is hard to choose.

This and That. November and December will be the death of me. I need to decide before November 11, 2010!!! Why is it hard to decide? Tell meeeee! WHY?

Oh shit. It's past 12am already! I failed to post this on the first day of September. Crap.

My ears are full, but my heart is empty.

After watching Standing in the Shadows of Motown, I realized how much of an ignorant I am about music. My knowledge in music is limited to The Beatles, Bee Gees, Air Supply, The Smiths, Hall and Oates, Pearl Jam, and some contemporary artists/bands like Elliott Smith, Jack Johnson, Augustana, Aqualung, Dashboard Confessional, and Yellowcard. My knowledge is nothing compared to musicians and people in the music industry (I guess?) I am totally ignorant. Until The Funk Brothers.

I am not really the type of person who is open to different genres of music. I guess, I only listen to the songs I love listening to and to the genres that kind of stuck in my head. RnB and Soul ,and Jazz and Blues are not included in my playlist. Though I like Mr. Postman, My Girl, and some of Michael Jackson's songs, I am just not into these kinds of music. Not really. Until I saw this film.

The film made me realized how much of a "fad" girl I am. Sure I like the Beatles and other famous Rock Bands during the old times, but I know little of what lies beneath them. Though I have read and watch various books and documentary films about the British Rock Band and the First Wave of Rock Music, I am still incompetent. I know very little. I should die. I should be crucified. Okay, that was just a joke. But get the point? I still have a lot to know. I still have a lot to learn. But overall, this film made me appreciate the RnB and Soul and Jazz and Blues music. I never thought that I would appreciate the sound of bass, drums, guitar, tambourine, saxophone, and piano combined. Well, until the Funk Brothers.

I guess, I should open my ears and my heart when it comes to music. So to anyone who does not have faith in RnB and Soul and Jazz and Blues music, watch this film. I guarantee you that you won't regret it.

The MRT Experience

After a very long time, I once braved the claws of MRT again.

It was a Saturday and yet there were a lot of people rushing in and out of the train. MRT never fails to amaze me. So there, I hopped in the train at around 5:30pm and was bound to Shaw Boulevard to meet my friends. I was beating the 6pm call time so I would not be late. But it seemed to me that I was destined to be late anyway. What happened next was beyond my control.

When I reached Ayala Avenue Station, I started feeling a little uneasy. I started losing my hearing sense on my right ear and I started seeing an episodes of black out. But overall, I was still a bit okay. It was only when I reached Guadalupe Station that the symptoms persisted. I could not breathe anymore and with every breath that I took, all I could say was "Fuck!" The people in the train looked at me, but I could not see their expressions because my vision was becoming a lot blurry that it was. I could hear a buzz on both of my ears, it was crazy. I could catch some of the words that people in the train were saying, but I could not make sense out of them. I told myself that I could go through it until I reached Shaw Boulevard, which is only one station away. I could still stand anyway. But boy, I was wrong.

Guadalupe to Shaw Boulevard Station was the longest MRT ride I've ever experienced. The symptoms were getting worse. I could not stand anymore. I felt sudden weakness and numbing of my hands and feet. I started perspiring like a basketball player. Then a concerned citizen advised me to get off Boni station (station after Guadalupe) first so that I could get some fresh air. I conceded to his advice. When I got off the train, everything went blank. I knew right there and then that I passed out. Though I could still hear some of the voices that were talking to me, they were all hazy just like how it was in some movie scenes wherein a character passed out. I could not reply to their questions. I did not have the energy to do so. I was helpless. And that was the worst feeling ever.

I do not know how long I was in the hazy state of nothingness. But I can remember that there are still some people who have the heart to help other people in need. With that, I am starting to believe in humanity again. And yes, I am not going to brave the MRT again. Not ever.

Old Songs and New Hopes

I stayed up until 3am this day, so that pretty much explains why I have two entries on the same date. I woke up at 11:15am (way too early for a Saturday morning!) I got hold of Sherlock Holmes beside me and started reading for I was too lazy move. I read some sentences until my mind drifted away from the book.

A sudden realization dawned on me. I am not a novelist in the making. I am an essayist (or much more like it than a novelist.) I wondered for some minutes to ponder upon that realization. It was indeed one of my golden moments--knowing, realizing, and understanding. So yeah. That was just about it. And I got back to reading.

Before long, I found myself being flooded with sceneries of London 1880s. It was until my phone rang that reality swallowed me again. So I answered it, talked to my mom and ended the conversation after sometime. After that, I decided to open the computer and Zenki. I gave up on Sherlock Holmes and decided that I will just watch some good movies. But then, the internet was so enticing I could not control myself from binge blogging.

That's why I am writing this. Right now, I am listening to Betterman by Pearl Jam, while Zenki is playing The Series of Unfortunate Events (the movie!) I wanted to write about how old songs make me feel good and hope for some more, but this entry is too boring.

I HATE NOISY HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS!!! I cannot concentrate on the things that I am about to do.

PDF first Before Books

I promised myself not to buy any book/s until I am done reading Sherlock Holmes Volume I and Volume 2, but then it is hard to control my impulse when it comes to books (though my addiction is nothing compared to Kristine Joy Valdez Patag, free exposure dude!)

Usually, I do research on what book I am most likely to read. On a normal basis, I just download a PDF version of the book or borrow it from a friend first. Then, if I find it to my liking, I will buy it. But recently, I tried buying some books without even doing my usual routines. So I found these

and bought them. A big mistake! I was disappointed at Once Again to Zelda. I had so much expectations on that book since the teaser was interesting and the cover was cool. When I bought that book, I thought that I would learn something that I would not be able to learn from the internet. But lo and behold! I saw Wikipedia as its source! As for the writing style, it is not praise-worthy. I think that some parts of it were plagiarized. I felt like I wasted my money on that copy. Nevertheless, it still looks good on my shelf.

As for the The Last Man Who Knew Everything, it is like reading an academic book. It is interesting, but it is boring. If you know what I mean. I cannot say much about this book though, since I am still in the middle of reading it. If I get past page 3, I will let you know. But for the meantime, I will pass it to my younger sister as her first reading material from me. While Bright Shiny Morning seems like a good read, but I have not opened the book yet so that remains to be judged soon.

I also bought To Kill a Mockingbird which is included in my reading list and Sexing the Cherry which is included in Tin's reading list. I thought of selling the latter to her since I just bought it out of whim and since it was on sale. (So please Tin, if you are reading this, I am selling you that book for only PHP99.00!)

I know I promised myself not to buy any book/s until I finish reading what I am supposed to read, but then seeing this book is urging me to break my promise (AGAIN!) I've already downloaded the PDF version (another addition to my reading list!) So I will just blind myself to death with a loooooong reading list to accomplish.

I should probably continue reading Sherlock Holmes now. Or else the list will just pile up.

Obliviate!

I will only admit it once: I am not really a fan of Harry Potter Series.

I know it is a modern classic already, but I am not really into it like any other people. I will not say sorry if it offended you that I am not as attached to it like any of you are. I have a read-and-forget attitude on books. Harry Potter is one of those books. I am not a fan, but I have read the whole series more than once (so let's make that twice.)

I have read (and watched!) it for one social reason--to relate to humanity. For one, reading/watching the whole series is like being updated to current events and not reading/watching it is equivalent to social suicide. That's common sense, I guess. It is a fad just like The Beatles during the 60s. It is a mania, and everybody and every single soul of this generation knows it. And not knowing will receive a reaction equivalent to "What era did you come from, dumb ass?"

I read it back when I was in high school. I remember that I still have to borrow the books from my friends in order for me to read it, because I had no intention of keeping them on my book shelves for the rest of my life (the dumbest excuse I could muster for being so broke) and because I really do not know who is Harry Potter (just like how I do not know 3D stereogram or Venus Raj.) So you see, I was not really updated with a lot of things back then (well, up until now I guess.) Most of the time, I was clueless of what my high school batch mates were gushing about. They were often saying unintelligible words that only they could understand. It was like they were speaking a different language from mine. I could not understand them. I could not relate. I always come home asking myself, "What is expelliarmus? Is it even included in the dictionary?" because my classmates often said that when they did not want to stand up and get their things. Only when I have read the books that I came to know the language they were playing. Then, I started to get in touch with the world they were living.

It must have been social pressure that led me to read and to watch the series, but for most part of it I was willing to. I am not a fan for the reason that I haven't memorized all the spells and characters and details in the series. I am not a fan, because I do not have the whole series of books. I am not a fan, because I can sleep at night without dreaming about my life in Hogwarts. I am not fan just because. I could list a lot of (petty) reasons as to why I am not a fan of Harry Potter, but doing so will just overkill and later on defeat the purpose. I am not a fan, but I do not dislike it. Actually, I enjoyed reading it. And maybe I will read the series again three or four years from now just to get a different perspective on why many people love it like I love Pride and Prejudice. Maybe then I will become a fan.

But for now, I will just stare at this set of Harry Potter series and drool. They are lovely. This picture is encouraging me to buy a copy of each book. A complete set will look good on my (future mini-) library of classics. Hmm. What do you think?

I am getting inconsistent with my previous statements. This picture is just pure awesomeness. Or maybe it has something to do with that Beatle figurine (or is it a Beatle?)

Nowhere Girl

I was young, naive, and stupid. I made mistakes I could never undo. I told tales of lies. I sought confirmation. I was young and I was lost. I was never part of anything. I was just a mere entity floating endlessly through the unfathomable depth of life.

So much of a dramatic introduction, I might as well drop it now.

How I spent most of my college life--broke, drunk, and elated. I miss those days when all I can think about was having fun. I miss my days as a juvenile delinquent. I hung around with my friends, cut my classes, missed my classes, and went to class a little drunk and zombie-like most of the time. I had the typical college life, so to speak. And yes, I miss my college life A LOT.

For that, I hold truism in the saying that, "There's a time for everything. It is called college." I do not know who said that, but whoever s/he is CHEERS!

Home is where good food is

I have been living with my older sister in Makati for almost a month now. At first I thought that I can survive living away from home (the far, far, far away kingdom of Rizal), but boy I was entirely wrong.

I remember keeping a list of pros and cons of living in Makati and living in Rizal while working somewhere in Makati. Of course, living in Makati gained all the pros there are: long sleeping hours, less expenses, near the office, etc. That's why I decided to give it a try. Yes, I have more time for sleeping and resting, less travel time, and more reading time. But! My big problem is food. Though there are a lot of food chains nearby my house, I could not bring myself to enjoy them. I am not picky when it comes to food, but there's just something in my Mom-made food that's not in any other fast food. Aside from that, I cannot eat alone. Eating alone is very depressing. And eating a so-so food alone is a lot depressing.

I want to go home. The cons do not matter. I want to go home everyday. I want good food, and I want to eat with my family. So what to do now?