Supernova

"Sige, papatayin kita!" (In english, I'll kill you!)

I never thought of myself as a violent person, but I scared myself with what I shouted a while back. Three words. Three deadly words. It was not that first time that I spoke of those words, but sure it was the first time that I really meant it.

I am emotional, but I am not violent. That's why I cannot grasp the reason why I said those horrible things. What's worse is that I do not feel any regret or remorse after those words slip from my lips. What I felt was a slow and melting relief as if I had been freed from whatever that was holding me back. The sensation was liberating. The feeling was magical. Then, realization dawned on me--I have too much hatred in my heart.

Perhaps it was because I tend to keep everything to myself. I usually drown my emotions with beer and vices, keeping my mouth shut. I usually go back to my shell, and hide there until the sea calms. I turn into this massive ball of curl, not letting anyone in. I curl like a fetus until my logic and rationality return to me. Slowly, I was turning myself into a blackhole. A blackhole that's just waiting to explode.

And then the explosion came. All the emotions I bottled up were summarized in three dreadful words. Maybe it was not really the message I wanted to say, but at that time, it was the perfect expression I could come up with. The expression was not classy. It was not even witty. It was just as savage as hatred and angst. And yet, that instance was the most profound moment in my life, and probably the most harsh, too.

I don't have regrets though. They were only words, but as the old saying goes, "The pen is mightier than the sword." I should probably do some rewiring in my brain. But yeah, I am tired of explaining myself. Ktnxbyedying.