Chopsuey

Perhaps when everything becomes clear, that's the time that we find ourselves questioning everything. When things unfold before us, questions keep on popping. When things get a lot better, that's the time that we more confused.

Or maybe it's just me being romantic and idealist again. For the past few months, I have glorified myself for being uncaring about the world around me. I have prided myself for being apathetic. I thought I could stand anything. I thought I already have a strong stomach. I thought the world has already turned me into someone heartless and ruthless. I was entirely mistaken. I am still the same--the idealist, romantic, dreamer of sorts.

I have seen a lot of things that shattered my dreams, my heart, even my faith. I have experienced some things that made me realized that life will never fair. I have prepared myself for further disillusionment. I thought that was enough. But nothing can ever be enough.

It still breaks my heart to see homeless people knocking on a black Mercendez Benz, begging for alms. It still makes me sad to know that poverty will never cease, that capitalism will always be the "only way", and that Philippines is just a victim of its own people.

Mad World

Do you know what's worth fighting for when it's not worth dying for?

The world has its way of disappointing people. I remember quoting myself that the world is simply harsh. Apparently, I have not lived to my own realization. The world is always surprising me. Always. One moment I feel like I have mastered the art of getting along with it. Then the next moment I am lost amidst the uncertainties of life.

It is like the world is playing tricks on me. I always find myself at the edge of things. I am always hanging like a wanderer, clueless and pathless. I always feel as if the world is going bipolar on me; as if I am being thrown to the opposite side every now and then. There is no permanence. There is no certainty. There is no guarantee. There are just surprises, detours, and disillusionments in the process of getting thrown to a lesser firm ground.

The idealisms that I held high for almost a decade have been flushed down the drainage. I have been awaken from my long sleepless dream. I have been disappointed by a lot of things, but never in my life that I decided that the world is simply a shallow place where people get screwed up by the system... Until now. I have come to an impression that the world is like a larger high school ground. Always too much of everything to the point of being void of anything.

The ambiguity and the vagueness of the world can sometimes be challenging. But it gets boring as time passes. It disappoints me that even though I am too grounded on reality, I still get struck by the cruelty of the world.

Whatever. This is just me being ambiguous and vague at the same time.

"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing."

-Anonymous

THE STORY OF MY LIFE IN ONE SENTENCE.

Regression

New life. New people. New friends to make.

So I have started working at the firm. There are a lot of new things to learn and new friends to make. I am still adjusting to the real world, and it is not uncommon for me to regress and to escape from reality. I still find myself lost amidst everything. I still find myself out of place. I feel a need to fit in.

It is like being in high school all over again with the office politics (which is a normal as ABC) as a bonus. I feel like I need to learn and to adapt faster. There'll be no grades. There's just an evaluation which is the basis of everything. It is either I performed well or I screwed up big time. It is either I get promoted/regularized or I get fired. There will be no in between shit. It is like what my professor told us, "You only have yourself to struggle with." And that's the problem with me. I just don't rely on myself alone. I also depend on my friends. But the thing is, my friends are not working for the same firm.

And I am not good at making new friends. Though people deemed me sociable, I would have to admit that it is not easy for me to settle and to be at ease with people whom I barely knew. This is the hard part of being older and cynic. Can I just go back to kinder where making new friends is as easy as borrowing your classmate's sharpener?

Jinxed? No. Just bad luck.

Someday when my life has passed me by

I'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me

-Someday, Sugar Ray

I better find a cure to possessiveness and nostalgia. Or better yet, find a solution to my bad luck when it comes to NBI Clearance. The latter sounds a bit possible and sensible.

I had been to NBI twice (as early as a bird!!) for two consecutive days, and yet I still have empty hands. I only gained a darker shade of eye bags, lost a two-day worth of rest and me-time, and wasted money and energy for a clearance that cannot be mine.

I do not know why I have that song playing in my head while typing this. There's no connection. And this entry is probably the most senseless one of all.

GERLS 101

All that happens when your dream comes true is a slow, melting realization that it wasn't what you thought.

-For One More Day, Mitch Albom

Meet GERLS, the people who made my college days worth the two-hour travel. I could not believe that we really had separate lives now. I know that this is bound to happen anytime, but I just could not process the fact that I would not be able to see much of them this June (and in the coming months or years). For the past four years, I used to see them in June after the looong summer breaks. But not this year, which brings me to make a short (psuedo)write-up about each of these adorable people.

Dongca, The Unica Hija. If there's an acronym that would perfectly describe her, it would be: LSS. No, it is not Last Song Syndrome. Uh well. It could be, but no. Aside from the fact that music is major part of her life, it stands for Long hugs, Surprises, and Stars. She always gives people a good deal of long hugs, making them feel loved and cared. (It is from her that I get my daily dose of long hugs--a reminder that I am still human and that I need to be hugged.) She digs surprises as much as she likes to give one. (She is an expert in surprises, swear! Even in her birthdays, she is the one surprising us.) Everyday is a different day when I am with her. It is as if the heavens had bestowed upon me a one of a kind daughter. She loves stars. And in reality, she poses as a wishing star to everyone, making her love ones' dreams come true. I know she would not agree to this, but she is the star that she wishes to be.

Briege, The Black Sheep. No moments are dull for this one. She laughs at everyone's jokes as if the joke is really funny. She has sick sense of humor as she finds beauty in aliens. She is the kind of person that one will be able to drag anywhere. Be it an alcohol fest in Katipunan or a beer marathon somewhere in Manila. She can be devoid of emotions, but what lies beneath the that surface is a soft-hearted person. She can be weird sometimes, but she is a critical thinker whose only joy are Aliens, Sleeping, and Sneakers (ASS, that is unintentional really.)

Ingrid, The Hot Mama! The prettiest and the hottest girl alive! She has BBB! Beauty, Brains, and Boobs. She is a perfection in the making. She is the beauty amidst the ugliness and pollution of Taft Ave. She lights up the darkest and saddest moments by her bright personality and retard jokes. She is family-oriented and is one of the most caring persons I have known in life. She never fails in comparison (to anything!). She never fails.

Gellai, The Master. She claims to be an idealist, but her eyes are too open to reality. She is a romantic. A damsel in distress who wanted to be saved by her prince. But don't let that fool you. She may be a princess, but she can fight. She is a Spartan at heart. There's no battle that she cannot win, and no puzzle she cannot solve. If demi-gods were true, then I know that she would be Athena's child.

Zana, The Chocoholic. Do not let a single grain of sugar enter her bloodstream or else you're in for a big trouble. LOLJK. If there's someone in our group of friends who is understanding and objective, it would be Zana. She has her firm beliefs and principles in life, but she understands and accepts human flaws. She sees through everything. She is the reflective type of person. But! She is fun to be with. She may seem intimidating sometimes, but she knows where she stands and she knows when to have fun.

Bge, The Histrionic. The depth of a person cannot be measured by the make-ups that she has. Being too hooked in DSM-IV before, she diagnosed herself to have a Histrionic Personality. She can get emotional most of the time, but she is the right person to approach when one needs notes and academic advice/coaching. She knows what she wants, and she works hard for it. She may get lost along her way, but she never fails to catch up. Besides, she got the fastest legs. She sure knows how to win the race.

Chawen, Jack of All Trades. By Jack, I mean the card and by Trades, I mean the under-the-table moments. She is known for her good life techniques. She can carry herself in a way that no one would know that can curse like a man, gamble like a pro, and drink like a tambay. She can be a princess and a pauper, depending on what the occasion calls for.

Hammie, The Banker. I am torn now between The Banker and Tagalista ng Noisy. But I opt The Banker since she is half-chinese and she is rich. She is a TAN, duh. She seldom talks, and if she does, she speaks in fluent English. She may be the quietest in the group, but she is the coolest. She is sincere, and one of the few people who can make anyone comfortable in silence. She seldom talks, but she always prays.

Jemu, The Only Girl. As much as he claims himself to be a cynic, he is actually the opposite. Because beneath that big and fatty body is a fragile heart. He has a clear cut vision of reality. He remains grounded on the truths of life. He is objective and has a mind like a machine. He is a Magna Cum Laude, for Pete's sake. But what other people cannot see is that he offers more than what he can give to the people he loves (which makes his heart a lot bigger than his body).

I am ending this now. I could not think of any parting words. Perhaps I have run out of things to say. Or maybe I have forgotten them. Nostalgia can kill.

Remind me not to listen to Someday by Sugar Ray.

Old Songs Make Me Wanna

Strangers are just family you have yet come to know.

-The Five People You Meet in Heaven

People come and go. We meet a lot of people everyday. Some of them may become part of our lives, while some of them may just leave without even saying hello.

I should have accepted that reality long time ago, so that saying goodbye would not be this difficult. I know that someday I will lose some of the people I have come to love. I know that in one way or another people will have to say goodbye and other shit that will result to a broken heart (no, not in a romantic way). People, no matter how much they love and care for each other, are bound to part or to fall apart. Besides, relationships are not forever (or even for life). But I still hope that there would be something to solve that case. I still hope that there might be something to prevent falling apart and parting ways. I really do.

Curse me for being such an idealist shite but everyone looks forward to having a long term relationship, right? It is not as if one will think of ending a newly started relationship. And maybe that's the problem with me. I find it difficult to say goodbye (for real). I find it heart shattering to let a relationship go down the drainage. I have a hard time letting people (who are dear to me) go. It breaks my heart. I feel as though my chest is being crushed by a bulldozer. It depresses me. It makes me wonder why. Then, as much as I want to revive the relationship, I could not because I am too weak and too sad to even look at the person. That's the sad part. I do not have the strength to do something about it. It is just too much for one heart. But still I hope. I hope that someone else will come to replace them... Or that they will come back. Still I hope.

People come and go as they please. They move forward. They move on. But I am stuck at the same place where they left me.

Okay. So What?

I got a job. A real one.

(Yeah, I know I sounded unhappy in my last post but that's just me being bitchy about the tax). So here is the story behind my first real employment...

I applied to the HR/Admin Assistant position, and I was invited for an interview (that was Wednesday). I got excited. June 2. First Wednesday of the month. The moment that I received the message from the Office Manager, I told myself that I am set to pursue HR. I have made up my mind, in short. But as it seemed that day, HR has decided on me as well: It does not want me.

I was told, as the interview went on, that I was not qualified for the position simply because the firm preferred someone with experience in the field (i.e. Policy Making and other HR/Admin Stuff that I was not able to learn at the university). I was not qualified. The sad reality every fresh graduate must face: Being not qualified because of lack of experience.

Yes, it sounded as if a hopeless case but it did not. The Office Manager pointed out, "I could have set aside your resume since you do not have the most important qualification for the position you are applying to, but I saw something in your resume. You are well-credentialed, that's why I am going to discuss to you about the other positions in this firm."

The bottom line: the Office Manager offered me another position. He deemed that I would be better in that position. So he referred me (I just met him that day, I had no connections with him whatsoever) to that position, telling me that my resume would compete against the resume of other applicants (applicants to the same position) with Latin Honors. I just said yes (primarily because I was too sabaw to digest what was happening). That very same day I was interviewed by the Partner, Managing Associate, and Supervisor. That very same day. After the long interview, I had the exam. (Yes, I had the exam after I was interviewed). I had a long and tiring day (and it was all worth it, I guess). The parting words that I heard the Office Manager said was something like, "We'll get in touch with you Wednesday next week. Or maybe earlier than Wednesday." and something like, "Malay mo next time na mag-usap tayo, details na ng offer ang pag-uusapan." But I did not want to assume just yet, because I did not want to be jinxed (read previous blog entries).

The next thing I knew was waking up the next day and reading a message that came from the Office Manager stating, "The firm is set to make an offer to you. Hope you are okay tomorrow at 11am to discuss the details." And the only words that came out of my mouth was Oh God.

Another bottom line: I accepted the job. Hence my employed status.

However, I got interested at the job posting of the position that I have accepted. So I search online. And there you go (look at the picture above). The qualifications of an Insurance and Claims Specialist. My jaw just dropped at Fresh Graduates who belong to top 25% of the graduating class are encouraged to apply, and With experience working in an insurance company... I was not even a Cum Laude, and certainly I did not have any working experience in the field of insurance. (Plus the fact that my course is far from Legal Management or such disciplines!)

I must be born really Lucky! And yes, I am bragging this. I am sorry.

Tax is a bitch.

I got the job.

I should be happy right now. My bum days are coming to an end. But no. I am somewhere in between happy and sad just because of the tax. Crap. I miss the days when all I had to think about were exams, photocopying fees, and beer. But now, I have to think of a budget because I don't get an allowance from my mom. Now, I have to be wise with my money. And I have to pay the tax (which is the saddest part!!!) I also have to give back to my family (required!).

I have waited for this moment. Seriously. I thought that I would jump for joy and cry for merriment. I have waited for that kind of moment. But it never came. All I felt were a sudden rush of doubt and fear in me. The Am I sure to accept this epiphany came to me. I have seen the pros and cons of this job in a flash. I need to be patient and persevering. I have to. I need to be competitive. And fear is eating me alive, but I accepted the job offer.

I am about to venture to another chapter of my life. I am about to see the changes that will take course. I am about to unfold my future. Just because I got the job and I need to pay the tax.

Lady Luck is on my side!

When it rains, it pours.

Humble. An adjective that I believe is not suitable for me. I am not humble. I guess it has something to do with the schools I have been to and the blood that's running in my veins (Santos). But lately, I have had some humbling experience that taught me to be humble and proud at the same time. Proud in the sense that I am from a good school and shit. And humble in a way that though I am from a good school, I still have a lot to learn. I am still lacking.

So there. I learned so much shit that I have decided to keep my mouth shut. But I have learned as well to speak when needed. (And I don't see why I am telling these things HERE).

Anyway. So positive thinking and good vibes worked for me. The result came sooner than expected, and it was sweeter than I thought. I just hope that everything will turn out good for me tomorrow. (I'll dig the details once it's rightfully mine.)

I am keeping my fingers still crossed. Nothing beats Badjula and visualization!

Rolling Luck.

High hopes. Good vibes. Let the good time roll.

Make or break moment for me next Wednesday. I hope that the results and Lady Luck will be good to me. No, I still don't want to spill the details. I'll just dissect it once it is sure. Please. I do not want to be jinxed.

Good vibes! Good vibes! I hope my mom would not ruin it for me. I really want to work outside the boundaries of our home and to explore my potentials as an individual. I want to meet new people (though that is scary at the same time), make new friends, and learn new things I want to have a personal growth.

I am crossing my fingers for next Wednesday's events. Will it change the course of my life? Well, I really hope so. Wednesday. Wednesday. Wednesday.