I Will

Today, I will make a list.

Since my career and love life are heading nowhere, I decided to make some changes in my ever monotonous life. I think, it is not yet too late to make a list of things I'd like to do this year to change the course of my life a little different from last year. Let me call this... Mid-year resolution.

Here's the list of things I intend to accomplish/do before 2011 ends:

1. Ride a plane. Whenever I think of airplanes, I think of death. It's normal.
2. Talk to strangers. When I was a bit younger, my mom always told me not to talk to strangers. If only she knew how socially awkward I am right now, she would not say that. (Talk to strangers = Meet new people)
3. Go and see a cadaver up close.
4. Watch a movie alone.
5. Say I love you to people who matter to me. And not to cringe or even laugh after doing so.
6. Go bald. Or have a really short hair.
7. Get a tattoo: All that and more.

Wish me luck!

Please please me

Today, I will rant.

With the recent events in my life, I don't know how to feel anymore. I mean, I almost got into law school, almost had my dream job (Barista at Starbucks), almost had someone special, almost blah blah blah. Almost, but not quite. I am always hanging by a moment, slightly tasting and feeling the high, but something always has to happen. Something happens all the time. Either I am bad at timing or I am just jinxed to the eternal doom of almost, but not quite kind of life. I don't know what to think of anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore. I don't know where I stand, I don't know what to do anymore.

I am not tired, I just feel lost. Lost in the moment of uncertainty. Lost in the fucks of life. Lost in everything. There's still hope, so they say, but I just wish it could let me survive until the end of the year.

One day, I will be someone else. I will be somebody I long to be. I will be a better person. Soon. But for now, let me be just this wrecked, hyperactive, anti-social 21-year old girl who doesn't know what's happening in her life despite all the planning and all.

With this, I shall end my note with...

When routine bites hard, and ambitions are low.

Frustration is Ze Bitch.

Recently, I've been putting a lot of effort in building my future--law school. I've been engrossed in turning my plans into actions that I forgot how it is to live life. I had it all planned. Law school. Scholarship. Work. I am willing to go MIA, to vanish from the face of Beer World (aka Social Life), and to become a walking zombie for four years. I am willing to do just that...for Law School. I want it that bad. I have never wanted anything this bad. And I have never worked hard like this in my life. Believe me, I have never been a Control Freak in my life. Ever. Until now. In college, life was simple for me--finish college, get a job, and save up. I thought of getting into law school (and even Med School), but that was just it. I just entertained the idea, but did not consider it as a next step. Until I had the taste of what it's like to be part of the Work Force.

That was when I saw the beauty of Dreams. That was when I realized that I wanted to pursue higher degree. Anything, just to achieve something. I was never an achiever. I was complacent and passive in school. (Blame it on my parents who taught me that grades do not matter.) I did not excel in school. I was only a member in the organizations I was in. I was a nobody. I did not graduate with Latin Honors. I was an average student. I have nothing but my transcript of record from Ze University. I did not like the idea that I would forever be a victim of the system. I realized that I am tired of mediocrity. (Not that mediocrity is bad, but try doing that for 20 years, you'll get what I mean.) I am tired of wasting my potentials for PHP13k something salary. I am made for something more. Hence, law school.

I attended summer classes for extra English units. I invested money, time, and energy to make it happen. I thought of strategies to make Law School happen. I applied for the Scholarship, got "accepted," and attended some classes. I worked hard for it. I religiously attended to my duties as an assistant to the Guidance Counselor. I became a different person--goal-oriented, control freak, time conscious, organized, and boring. I read the assigned readings with diligence and understanding. I read it twice for further understanding. Yes, twice! I learned to take down notes of important concepts, and to study my notes before the class. I became a diligent, competitive, go-getter person. But only for two weeks. Just when everything was falling into its right place, something happened. In this case, it was the Scholarship. Apparently, my papers were not processed yet. Hence, I was not able to enroll. Thus, no law school for me. I don't want to delve into the details, but the bottom line is, I was made to believe that I would get the scholarship. They led me on, they made me hope. They said it was a "Sure shot!" BUT NO.

I blame them for making me feel this frustrated. I blame their system. I blame them for making me believe, for leading me on, for using my skills, etc., etc. But I blame myself more. I should have taken into account the possibility of not getting that scholarship. I should have been prepared for that possibility. I should have seen it coming. I should have planned this Law School shit thoroughly. It was negligence on my part. It was my fault, really. But seriously, screw them.

Since I cannot do anything about it anymore, I might as well accept the fact that this is not the right time for me to enter law school. No matter how emotionally and mentally prepared I am for the nerve-wrecking four years in law school, I am just not meant to become a law student this year. Well, not in that school. I just have to wait for another year. It's just another year, right? What can possibly happen? It is not as if law school will go away. Law School is always there, waiting for my arrival, waiting for 2006-21683 to be re-activated.

Love Will Tear Us Apart

Do you know what happens when you get your heart broken? You overcompensate.

You do the stuff you don’t usually do. You study hard, you get active with a lot of community endeavors, you read books you thought you’ll never read, you exercise and make yourself better. You become somebody else. You occupy yourself with many things, thinking that you’ll get over him sooner than you expect. You keep yourself busy. You keep your head clear from any of his memories.

You run from his memories. You opt not to watch the TV shows that he likes. You turn off your iPod once you hear the music he listens to. You hide him from your News Feed on Facebook. You delete his messages on your phone. You throw away your photos together. You try hard to disintegrate yourself from him.

You wake up early to start a productive day. You work harder, you push yourself to the limits. You go home, a little drunk and tired. You hit the bed. You don’t have the energy anymore. You sleep late, and the routine continues the next day. You become a robot, merely existing, barely living. You tire yourself. You work until you run out of energy, until your body cries for help, until your mind screams “Rest!” You work and work and work and work until you hit pit bottom.

You keep fighting the urge to regress. You fight off any unwanted emotions. You keep telling yourself that you are strong. But in the end? The fact remains—you have a hole in your heart that no one/nothing, not even the greatest accomplishment, can ever fill in.