Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Stupid Cupid

Love could be the most beautiful feeling ever...or it could be the most terrifying.

Either way, love is the most confusing and the most complex feeling of all. The rush, the thump, the rose-colored glasses, then the uncertainty, the fear, the anxiety--these emotions fill up your heart as butterflies swirl in your stomach.

You see him. Your heart skip a bit. You take a deep breath. You stare at him, and suddenly you hear music in the background. It is the kind of music that only people (falling) in love can hear. The kind of music that makes a heart swell with overwhelming emotions. Everything fades into the background. There's only one dimension--He. Everything's on slow motion as he walks towards you. He is smiling his lopsided smile, the smile that won your heart from the very start. He waves at you. You smile back, failing to wave in return because you don't have the energy to do so. You hear your heart stumping like crazy. You hold your breath, anticipating, waiting for him.

Then, the future flashes before you. You are spending your life with him. You have two kids. You are living in a two-story yellow house with a big garage and a well-maintained garden. Your family owns a dog named Bully. He is the youngest partner in a well-known law firm in the city, while you are making your way in publishing industry. You talk about random things every night before going to sleep. You cook breakfast for him and the kids every morning and make sure that they do not forget anything before they leave. You stay at home, writing your new novel. During weekends, he cooks for the family. He makes time for you and the kids. He is the one in-charge during the weekends. He makes you feel like a queen. He takes you out to dinner sometimes while the kids stay over at their grandparents' place. But most of the time, you spend the time together as one happy family.

Sometimes you argue over silly things, but make up after everything is cleared. Your life together as a couple is pretty usual, only that the love you have for each other has not faded, not a bit. Time passes. Your kids turn into adults. Still, the two of you is together. You still listen to your favorite songs together. You two still hold hand and share the same dream together. He is old. You are old. But time is nothing. He smiles at you, his eyes glisten with unwavering love. You smile back, knowing that you have made the right decision to fight for him long ago.

Now, he's in front of you. His smile has not faded. His eyes shimmer with happiness and excitement. You gaze at him, longing, gaping, thinking of what to say. You heart is in your throat.

Five years is a long time. Yet, you are falling in love with him over again. You feel your gut tighten. Then, there comes fear. You are supposed to take this chance to tell him what you feel. You are supposed to tell him you love him, but you cannot. You fear his rejection. But it is now or never. You open your mouth to say the words you long to say for five years. Just when the first word is slipping off of your lips, a girl comes into the picture. He put his right arm over her shoulders and gives her a peck on her lips. He introduces you to her. You smile. She smiles. He says something to you, but you cannot hear any of it. Your ears stop functioning. You cannot move. You are staring at them, yet you cannot see. Your heart has been crashed. Your hopes died. Everything in you is breaking into pieces. Pain is eating you away. It is not jealousy, it is pure pain and heartache. You wish everything is just a dream, a very bad dream. But you know that the pain is real, way too real.

But of course, you know that none of these are true. That all of these just happen in your mind. You just make these up. You are not in love. You are not hurt. You are just bored and maybe a little bit hormonal. There is no "He," because "He" only exists in your imagination. The emotions you've created are just words without meaning, nothing more. You lie on your bed, shake off any remaining ideas in your head, and sleep. You sleep until you don't feel alone and lonely anymore. You sleep until you are in that familiar world again. A world where love is not confusing and complex. You sleep, and worry no more.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Just My Imagination

Everyday is a learning process.

Learning does not simply stop after graduating from school. Learning is infinite, just like the human mind. I admit, I do not know everything. I am no Thomas Jefferson. But I want to learn. I want to know a lot of things. I love to be able to understand everything and anything. And in learning, everything is beneficial. Everything, even the darnest thing, has wisdom and knowledge in it. Everything. The only challenge for human is how to see it.

I want to learn and to be able to remember every single information as long as I live. But my brain cells are not doing a good job in retaining my memory. At a young age, I am starting to be forgetful. I am a healthy young person, so there's no way I can have Alzheimer's Disease right now. It is just impossible unless I am Benjamin Button. But I am not him. So the only excuse I have for being so forgetful or just plain stupid most of the time is the fact that I tend to think a lot. Yes, I think a lot though it does not show. I have many things in my head that I cannot put on hold once they started screaming at each other. I have a machine-like brain that works 24/7. It is a dysfunctional machine though. I keep forgetting things no matter how hard I try to remember them.

Perhaps I should concede to Sherlock Holmes' piece of advice: Remember only important things, keep the rest in a safety box that you may need them someday.

Talk is Cheap

For the most part of my existence, I am confused.

What should I expect? After all, I am just a 20-year old adolescent who is torn between social responsibilities and personal responsibilities. I can be as confused as anyone else. They say life starts at 40. I still have 20 years left to waste, so to speak. And another 20 years to live Life before I die. But do I really want to waste 20 years for nothing? Can I stand living in this could of confusion for another long period of time? Is that what I really want?

I am a great mass of cloud. I have no form. I have no direction. I adapt to my environment. I don't claim my own personality. I cannot. But I want to be someone else. Not in the sense that I want live a different life in different time, I just want to be somebody whom I love to the core. And in order to be that someone, I need to decide and to act now. It's tough, but nobody said it was easy.

I am taking baby steps. I don't want to take a giant leap. I am not Neil Armstrong, so I'll pass that thing. I am nearing a decision. I've done this long time ago, but I just don't have the guts to do so. I think I know what I want now. I have wanted this long time ago, I just forgot about it. Certain things clouded my head and led me nowhere. But now, it came to me: I want to be a Visual Anthropologist.

This is what I wrote a year ago. I think I had it all figured out before, of course I was wrong. I am living in a fast-paced world where forgetting is as normal as breathing. It makes me sad how much conviction I had when I wrote this piece of crap. It was an epiphany. A eureka moment. But like any great inventions, it is destined to be put into oblivion. That's what sucks.

I just hope that this time I will pull this one off, that this time I will follow my dreams and will make sure that it will happen. I wish I had enough guts to abandon social constraints and go for it. But I guess, these words have no meaning until I act. And that's exactly the challenge for me.

I don't want to be confused anymore. I do not want to wait until I am 40 to realize what it takes to really live.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Saturday High

I hate to brag, but I just had a productive Saturday. I woke earlier than my usual Saturday waking up time.

I just ate lunch, and picked up where I left off at Kafka on the Shore. Before long, I realized that I am done with it. I felt a little sad over the book. The end justified the whole story. Only few books have that quality, I guess. Having read it was one hell of ride to consciousness and humanity. It kept me from asking why, and just led me to accept the fact that everything happens for some contorted reasons, which human mind cannot grasp. I felt like Kafka Tamura all throughout the story. I feel his emotions. I understand what he thinks. And maybe, I am Kafka Tamura in many ways. Perhaps Kafka Tamura is my metaphor, my exact metaphor.

After much realizations in life, I decided to watch a little bit about Woodstock. There are a lot of good songs in the clip. And a lot of quotations, too. This one's my favorite as of the moment.

Also, I finished watching Sister Act 2 (at long last!!!). I devoured the whole movie in one sitting, pretty much a challenge for me if I must say. Music Ass made me laugh. I just remembered that when I was in grade school and high school, I loathed Music subject. I had a hard time staying awake during that subject. All we talked about were Bach, Haydn, Beethoven, and other classical musicians. That was a traumatic experience for me. But then, when I got old, I came to like music itself. One major factor is that I just listened to it without minding the technicalities of it.

I cannot say more to a productive day. I feel as though I am beginning to get the momentum again, but I do not want to get ahead of myself now. I'll just let things unfold before me and do whatever that I like...for now.

Friday, October 22, 2010

I am the Walrus

I am in a limbo.

I am in a limbo, a world where I can do anything I want without any prejudice. I am in a world where everything is calm. Time does not matter here. Nothing is impossible. Everything can happen if I want to. I am the Lord of the Sea, the God of the Sky, the Emperor of Hell. I am everything. In this world, I can be whoever I want to be. I can do whatever I want to do. No restrictions. No holds barred.

I am infinite. I am part of everything, and everything is part of me. I am part of a whole, and the whole is a part of me. In this kind of world that I created, there is no judgment. No concept of right and wrong, moral and immoral, good or bad. There is just humanity. There is just freedom without responsibility. It is freedom in its purest and truest sense. I am free, truly free. I am part of everything, but I am free.

I am the Walrus. I am free. There is no law. No prejudice. No rules to bind me to majority of the human population. I am just me, naked from all the social norms and social responsibilities. Nothing matters, and nothing means anything. I am a floating entity, lost in transition.

Nothingness confuses the mind, emptiness tears the soul. But still, I stay in this kind of world.

This is Why I'm Fat

After a week of recovering from hell files, I am bracing myself for another visit to hell next week.

This is the best that I can do with my area as of the moment, so pardon the shabbiness of it. I know that's one messy table, but the space is really not enough. That's an understatement, mind you. There are (rare) occasions though when my work space is as neat as a (private) hospital room.

Due to stress and lack of sleep, I noticed that I am having a problem staying awake while working. That's why I decided to give myself a strong shot of coffee. I named myself Bruno. Yes, the Barista was so game about it that he actually put it on. It was an effective upper...for about two hours. After that, I was dozing off again. Good thing my tummy has a love-hate relationship with coffee (and milk). So I spent the latter part of the day going to the comfort room, which kept me awake most of the time.

As for lunch, Tin and KC treated us (Riel, Iris, Sally, and I) to North Park. Good food is good food, I must say. I like their 3 kinds of mushroom--poisonous, slightly poisonous, and not poisonous. I cannot remember what we ate, but they're pretty much tasteful. I am not into Chinese Food, but I really had fun with North Park Special Fried Rice with Sauce.

And before I forget, it was Big Boss' birthday last Wednesday so he treated us (the whole office) to lunch at Max's. I was intending to take a picture of the food that I ate, but decided against it. Instead, I took this photo just to be disgusting and different. So yeah, whatever.

I noticed that I tend to eat a lot when I am stressed. Maybe that explains my beer belly.

Killing the Buzz

Wake me up when October ends.

October 2010 is being a bitch on me. I started it with a bang, and will probably end it with another bang. This month is the worst I've ever had in my entire 20 years of existence. It already topped my March 2008 shit load. I had the roughest weeks this month, and will have another (and hopefully, the last!) screwed up and tiring week whether in the work place or at home.

So far, October is not getting any better for me. The hate fest still continues. And there's this kind of "Revolution" that I am going through. Not that it matters to anyone, but I am pretty fed up with my life. Sounds like teenage shit all over again, right? I know it's immature, but right now, I just feel like that. Maybe it has something to do with my crappy internet connection that keeps on letting me down for the past few days. To think that I am paying the priciest plan there is. So much for "good" advertising, I guess. I just feel tired in general. And I am too young to feel this kind of tiredness. I wish there's an end to this stupid month. Please let this month end soon.

I am emotionally drained, but I can still feel. And that what sucks the most. Being emotionally battered. I usually don't go on telling anyone (not even my closest friends) about the burdens I have, because I know that they have their own set of problems too. I just shrug it off most of the time. I sleep until it passes. However, my defense mechanisms have reached their saturation point. They don't work out anymore. And now, I feel the need to explain to everyone what I am going through. No one will fully listen, of course. That's why I am putting these shits in words, hoping that words will take away what I am feeling right now. But words are never enough.

Perhaps I should just listen to Mozart's Fur Elise now and shut up. Or grab and watch that Sister Act 2 DVD for a change. Ktnxbye.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Backlog Please

I hate the internet!

I have had unproductive weekends because of my addiction to the virtual world. I should probably be cursed for dragging myself into this kind of stagnation. I have a lot of interesting things to during weekends, but I still have not accomplished anything because of the internet. There are so many things on the internet that's why it's hard for me to get out in front of my computer most of the time. Ahhh! I am doomed.

I am in the doldrums. I need a fix. I certainly need something to remind me of the things that I really want to do. Hm. Perhaps this blog entry will remind me of that, ne? I need to do some reading and watching.

I am currently drowning in my books. But yeah, I am done with The Perks of Being a Wallflower long time ago. And I am currently in the middle of reading Kafka on the Shore and To Kill a Mockingbird. Yes, I read two (or more) books at once. My attention span needs rewiring.

Of course, I need to get back to DVD marathon. Dang! I lost my touch in this recently. Thus, I am keeping an eye on these DVDs. Hmm. Though I am done with Across the Universe and Janis, I still have a lot of movies/documentaries to catch up. Define backlog.


I am hoping that when I log on the internet, I will see this. So that I can remind myself to do something else other than lurking on the net and stalking people.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Material Girl

October is not exactly my month.

On the first day of this month, I spent more than I could save for a phone that's not really universal. I should have given more faith in my philosophy ("Never spend on the first day of the month.") than in impulses. I should have known better than spending on the first day of a month. Now, I must suffer the consequences of going against my principle: I am broke.

Well, not exactly. I recuperated after two weeks. Thanks to my meager salary as an employee. Panic-stricken by the recent financial crash down, I planned everything ahead as I got my paycheck. I vowed not to spend on things that I don't really need. I paid the bills including my sister's Field Trip fee (yeah, I have to include that!) I promised to budget my allowance for two weeks. In short, I resurrected my savings. Only for two days.

Things got a little rough when I craved for french fries at McDonalds after I paid the bills. So I, together with my mom, headed out to the nearest Mcdo and ate a quater pounder and a cheeseburger. So much for the hungry tummies, I guess.

With my tummy full of junk food, I had the energy to roam around the mall and to do window shopping (it was the least that I can do since I intend to cut my expenses this time). Little did I know that it is not a great idea as I saw this pair of shoes.

It was love at first sight. I do not know how that happened, but yes. I fell in love with the shoes and thought I could do the tap dance with it. I think like an Irish, you know. Once upon a time, I did not understand why girls love shoes. But seeing this pair of shoes, I got the answer. In short, I bought the shoes. But my mom coaxed me into buying a gray bag to pair with my new shoes.

I can easily be convinced, that's why I ended up buying a gray bag...and a black one, too. And now I am broke. I need to save up again. Damned decision making skills. I just remembered that I still have a Batangas get-away to save up for. Now, I am screwed. So much for reading a lot of news regarding Finance and Savings. I totally banged up my savings. This is why I hate going to the malls. It is either I end up lusting over things that I do not need or I end up being broke.

Note to self: No to impulsive buying! (Now playing: Material Girl)

Friday, October 15, 2010

My kind of Strawberry Field

"Living is easy with eyes closed."

I survived hell week! A week of agitation and non-existent social life due to hell files. I am just so glad that it's over now. Goddamn lot files. I felt zombie for the entire week. So yeah, that's why I am treating myself with... BEATLES!

Apparently, I have been listening to a lot of Beatles songs since god knows when. But I can't still get enough of this addiction. So, just imagine my glee when The Infidel sent me a copy of Across the Universe starring Jim Sturgess and Evan Rachel Wood.

Well. There's nothing really unique about the storyline of the movie. It is pure crap. Perhaps the writers of the movie were overwhelmed by the greatness of the every song. But! The music is good. The songs are well-chosen. And boy, it is psychedelic. It is rare for any artist to re-do and to give justice to the songs that are bigger than history. But yes, the artists in this movie actually pulled it off. I was amazed at how they did that. They have soul when they sing. They wear their hearts on their sleeves as they say each word in the lyrics. Ahhh. Too much!

I actually like their version of Revolution, I want you (She's So Heavy), Happiness is a Warm Gun, I am the Walrus, Girl, Come together, Hold me tight, A Little Help from my friends, Oh! Darling, While My Guitar Gently Weeps, All We Need is Love, and the medley of Helter Skelter and Across the Universe. I basically like all the versions of Beatle songs in this flick.

The movie in general is so-so. But yeah, I kinda like it because of the songs. I am biased like that.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Hatefest

Always love. Hate will get you anytime. Always love.

I am slowly turning into someone I hate. No, I do not hate myself (at least, not yet). I am to vain to do just that. It just came into my little brain how much I have changed since I started working. I am a lot crankier and harsher now. I am easily agitated and provoked. I hate too much now. And it is not something that I am happy with.

I am turning into a monster. Please. Somebody save me. But maybe, I only have myself to struggle with.

Supernova

"Sige, papatayin kita!" (In english, I'll kill you!)

I never thought of myself as a violent person, but I scared myself with what I shouted a while back. Three words. Three deadly words. It was not that first time that I spoke of those words, but sure it was the first time that I really meant it.

I am emotional, but I am not violent. That's why I cannot grasp the reason why I said those horrible things. What's worse is that I do not feel any regret or remorse after those words slip from my lips. What I felt was a slow and melting relief as if I had been freed from whatever that was holding me back. The sensation was liberating. The feeling was magical. Then, realization dawned on me--I have too much hatred in my heart.

Perhaps it was because I tend to keep everything to myself. I usually drown my emotions with beer and vices, keeping my mouth shut. I usually go back to my shell, and hide there until the sea calms. I turn into this massive ball of curl, not letting anyone in. I curl like a fetus until my logic and rationality return to me. Slowly, I was turning myself into a blackhole. A blackhole that's just waiting to explode.

And then the explosion came. All the emotions I bottled up were summarized in three dreadful words. Maybe it was not really the message I wanted to say, but at that time, it was the perfect expression I could come up with. The expression was not classy. It was not even witty. It was just as savage as hatred and angst. And yet, that instance was the most profound moment in my life, and probably the most harsh, too.

I don't have regrets though. They were only words, but as the old saying goes, "The pen is mightier than the sword." I should probably do some rewiring in my brain. But yeah, I am tired of explaining myself. Ktnxbyedying.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

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