What makes life worth living?

What happened to that girl who once believed that everything is possible? What happened to that girl who once had faith in one Omnipotent? What happened to that girl who once thought that life is good? What happened to that girl who once believed in people, and in herself? What happened to that girl who once knew how to play piano and guitar? What happened to that girl who once loved reading good books? What happened to that passionate little girl?

The sweet innocent smile on her lips was replaced by a quipped smirk, she was not the same anymore. The once twinkling eyes were clouded by the sadness impaling her thoughts. Her once joyous laugh sounded like vacuum of sound now. Her face--it wasn't the same anymore, her blooming and beautiful face was gone, replaced by gloomy and serious one. The laugh lines seemed like wrinkles now. Her dimples I cannot see anymore, not a sight, not a glimpse. Her brows almost touched each other's end, making her look older that her real age. It was a face of someone I once knew, of someone stranger than myself. I do not know this girl anymore. What happened to her?

Her smart and funny remarks were gone, only her lifeless and boring comments were that ones that I can hear now. It was as if she was not herself. It was as if someone took her from me. Her passion in reading, gone. Her love for music, gone. Her fixation in arts, gone. All of these were thrown away, what replaced was apathy. She did not care anymore. She was fun no more. Her faith was also gone. It was dead, she said to me once. Her faith in someone omnipotent, in the people, in herself: dead and gone forever. She lost interest in anything. The girl who once believed that everything is possible went on a vacation, I do not know is she'll ever come back. The girl who once lived is now the girl who merely exists.

Perhaps, time had changed her. Or not.

A Letter Addressed to my Beloved Thesis

Dear Thesis,

Thinking about you is killing me. It brings me to the unfathomable depths of depression and desolation. I don't know. You make me feel so worthless. It is as if I can't do anything right. Every try seems like a failure. I am tired and lost.

With you, it feels like my whole world is crunched in a tiny matchbox. It is hard to breathe. I feel suffocated with our relationship. You just make me feel tired and sad and depressed. Can we just put an end to this madness? Please. Because I can't take it any longer.

Love,

Angel

PS:

Please bear with me. You know how much I love you, but it gets tiring sometimes. So I guess, we should just enjoy the time while it lasts, 'kay? When we part, think of it as a new beginning for you. Don't be so sad.

Buhay Estudyante

"Breathe in. Breathe out. Relax. Everything will be okay. You can do it."

Mantra for the rest of January and February 2010. Kinakabahan na ako.

Shit. Alam mo yung feeling na parang guguho na ang mundo mo sa dami nang dapat mong gawin? Yung feeling na mabilis ang pintig ng puso mo, parang masusuka ka na, at nahihilo at biglang nadedepress at nagpapanic. Yung wala kang magawa kundi mag-isip lang nang mag-isip. Yung pakiramdam mo na sasabog na ang utak mo sa kakaisip ng mga bagay bagay at deadlines, tapos hindi mo naman magawa kasi isip ka lang nang isip. Inaatake ka na ng panic, isip ka pa din ng isip. Gusto mang gawin, mapapatigil ka na lang kasi hindi mo alam kung paano mo uumpisahan. Tapos maiisip mo na mahaba pa ang oras. Pipilitin mong kumbinsihin ang sarili mo na mahaba pa ang panahon at kaya mong gawin gawin ang mga dapat mong gawin sa loob ng isang linggo. Tapos hindi mo na gagawin ang mga bagay na dapat mong gawin kasi iniisip mo na mahaba pa ang panahon. Magbubulag bulagan ka sa katotohanan ng buhay. Then, sasaya ka panandalian.

Matutulog ka na muna, magbabasa ng kung anu-ano, magsusulat ng blog entries, maglalagi sa internet. At bigla mong maaalala na madami kang dapat gawin na hindi mo ginawa. At kapag napagtanto mo ito, kulang na ang oras. Magppanic ka ng ilang segundo o minuto, magrarant sa mga kapalpakang ginawa mo sa buhay. Magbblog ka, sasabihin mo kung gaano kadami ang dapat mong gawin at kung gaano kaliit o kaunti ang oras na nakalaan para matapos mo ang mga bagay na iyon.

Isusumpa mo ang mundo. Magagalit ka sa professors, sa mundo, at sa edukasyon. Sasabihin mong sinisira ng mga ito ang buhay mo, na pinahihirapan ka ng mundo at ng profs mo, na mahirap ang mag-aral. Ipagkakalandakan mo sa virtual world ang mga bagay na kailangan mong gawin para makita nila kung gaano ito kadami at gaano kahirap. Gagawin mo ang mga dapat mong gawin, hindi ka magtutulog. Magka-cram ka. Aakalain ng magulang mo na isa kang mabuting estudyante dahil napupuyat ka sa paggawa ng papers, projects, documentaries, at thesis. Isa kang mabuting estudyante sa mata ng magulang mo. Kulang ka sa tulog, tapos ka na sa mga dapat gawin. May eyebags ka sa eyebags mo at pimples sa pimples mo. At sisisihin mo ang eskwelahan kung bakit ka napupuyat at kulang sa tulog.

Pero ang mapagtatanto mo sa huli, matapos ang lahat ng ginawa mo at lahat ng pinagdaanan mong hirap, ikaw ang nagkamali. Ikaw ang may dahilan kung bakit ka napuyat o nawalan ng tulog. Ikaw at ang mga mali mong desisyon ang may sanhi ng pagkapagod mo. Maiisip mo na hindi ang eskwelahan o ang edukasyon o ang propesor ang may dahilan kung bakit ka naghihirap dahil ang totoo, ikaw ang gumagawa ng dahilan para mahirapan ka. Maiisip mo na dapat hindi mo sinisi ang sinuman o anuman sa kapalpakan mo sa buhay. Walang kang dapat sisihin kung bakit may eyebags ka sa eyebags mo, o kung bakit may pimples ka sa pimples mo kundi ang sarili mo.

Ginusto mo iyan. Dapat kang matuto sa mga pagkakamali mo. Alam mo na dapat iyon. Pero sa susunod na pagkakataon, alam mong hindi mo pa din maiiwasang ipagpaliban ang mga dapat mong gawin dahil mas masaya kang gumawa ng wala at maging masaya kahit panandalian lang. Alam mo na ang kalalabasan ng mga gagawin mo, pero wala mas pipiliin mo pa ding magpanic at magcram. And the cycle continues.